Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (Page 38 of 77)

OK, I figured out what was missing from the last posted chapter of Dictates. 300 new words added. Found my hook :-)

Mother protect us. Look at those teeth!
-- She describes everything in detail except the teeth, the teeth that really made her scared ... I'd also like to be clued in what they look like, throw me a bone please? Make me scared too?

Where is the light coming from? Is it more light now that the mist is gone? Maybe want to make clear, here or where Taz-man starts to see before he faints.

*snickers* I know Tazar didn't "faint" *snickers again* - when I start to give you/Taz witty crap like this, it means I like you lot, so it's a good thing, promise!

There was a bright blue strip running between (the) holes for the ears.
-- think it reads better/clearer with the additional 'the' YMMV

Mar. This is a mar. How in the Three Hells did Tazar know this thing was near?
-- Okay, so it was pretty special for Taz to have picked it up, but why? Because it's never been done before? Because it can't be done? Why haven't it been done before or why can't it be done? Like the teeth, I'd like to know why it's special - I might actually like Taz more, borderline impressed even, you never know, but if you can make readers more impressed with your characters, don't let the opportunity pass by i.e. don't underplay an incredible feat ever - you make me think of my performance reviews at work

Jaylene fought to keep panic out of her voice. “Valharic! Did you see if this thing was male or female?”
-- Did you see? Or 'can' you see? *subtle difference* The thing is still there - if Valharic hasn't noticed it yet, I'm sure a plan can be made since the thing is, you know, still there .... Lift the tail and, I don't know, check it out?

If you agree, then, the "No. Why?" should also change to something like "No. Why? Should I look?"

Next issue, and this is a biggy.

Clearly Valharic, as the reader, is on a 'need-to-know' basis and we do not need to know why the gender of this thing is important ... alrighty then, we're building a stretcher. <------ not good, Ms Amy. Why isn't Jaylene answering a simple question while I'm building a stretcher?

Good tension makes me ask questions I know I'll get answered as I read on. Where is the mate? is good tension, no, actually, brilliant tension. I will not put this damn book down before I know where is the mate! I"m chewing my nails. But why is the sex of this thing important? I can guess the answer, but why do I need to guess when a simple sentence can tell me straight off the bat what the underlying danger is from someone that KNOWS. (I'm guessing the male or female is bigger and stronger and we're looking at a female or male here ... but I'm guessing stuff that I really shouldn't be left guessing especially when it's a quick thing to fix/sort out). And added to that, a bit later on, why is it important that this thing give live birth and doesn't lay eggs? And why is laying eggs more dangerous than live births? What can those eggs do that a baby can't? *scratches my head* <---- not a good thing

This in my humble opinion is bad tension. It leaves me confused, uninformed and with questions I don't understand why it can't be answered right now? It was important enough to be raised right now, so why can't it be answered right now? It make me feel a little bit cheated by the author after reading through this chapter only to be left with questions that can be answered without too much effort - it's not good tension, it's a cheap shot withholding information for the sake of withholding information to artificially up the tension - but it isn't, it's leaving readers frustrated, not worried. That isn't something you want, I think.

I understand they need to move and get the stretcher built, but I don't understand WHY? Give me a bone, a small bone, please? And I'll go away.

Other than this, that is a great hook! Yeap, you found it. I wish I can end chapters like that!!!

Oh, they can't look under the tail because I threw half the body into the abyss below the waterfall.

OK, your corrections have been added to the Jaylene analysis at the end of the last chapter. I added better lighting, description of the teeth, the mar backstory, and bundled (fainted-snicker) Tazar on a stretcher. I kept the last line as a hook.

Janet, I like the idea of Alda using the tail as a joke, but the timing wasn't right. I can't put jokes there without messing with the tension.

Anybody have any thoughts about my improvised stretcher? I'm terribly proud of that one…

Will repost for points if you want