Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread
Since you asked, in the review, I suggest something along these line:
“You didn’t answer my question. We’re north of the Shattered Plain. Binen is between us and safety. We both know that city is filled with crawling death that will find us eventually! We’re taking a big risk!”
Express this in IM. Explain Melody's response also in Kha's IM. Four lines, not counting a paragraph break. In Dictates, same thing from Jaylene's perspective, maybe slight difference in info.
Straight narrative: (2 sentences on the Wolves and their history). So now Kha was ... . Melody was with him. Jaylene was ... Their best fighter, Tazar was ... Conloth ... and Dresdorf the dwarf ... .
In the present tense: he's doing it.
Once he grounded and stamped the base into this loose gravel, he’d scan this hole and test if there was old magic here.
Kha swung the piece of sambas wood over his head and rammed it into the floor of the cave. The ground connected.
Something was wrong.
(Fleuron)
Jaylene falling.
Tazar fighting.
Kha (or his hand) and the Black Staff.
(If there is another reveal to be coming via Kaldar's memory, give us a glimpse of what happens to him; otherwise not.)
Begin the first chapter here.
Mandates:
Kha woke up to find himself laying in a simple bed with white linen sheets. The act of opening his eyes exhausted him. The lids sagged, too heavy to lift.
A woman’s voice ...
Drop this middle part.
Someone lifted his head and put a wet cloth in his mouth. He sucked it with the desperation of a hungry babe. A few swallows later, the world faded.
Someone turned him, running a damp rag along his backside. The chill made him moan. He didn’t want to be cold anymore. He was rolled back. Someone lifted his head with a strong wide hand. Warm broth appeared by his mouth.
Rephrase the first sentence without using 'someone' as the subject. You're super-close in his POV; passive is appropriate. So is 'Kha felt someone ...' or 'Strong, hard hands rolled him ....'
“Don’t gulp. Slow...that’s the way,” said a soothing voice.
Kha drank until his head fell away from the bowl. Broth dribbled down his neck.
The person with the cloth cleaned up his mess.
Last part: `Wiped him clean.' Yes, Kha is proud and thinks negatively of the situation and the need. But we're mired with him in his perceptions.
Stomach uncomfortably full, Kha drifted back to sleep.
Kha's mental state precludes so intricate a sentence.
Day after day, Kha was cleaned and fed, marking the passing of time by each shift of healers who appeared at his bedside. Too weak to talk, his mind recovered first. xxxxxxxxxxx A cold draft oozed from the single pane of glass as the world outside continued on without him and marked the passing of seasons.
Skip the middle stuff, or just say they talked. He may not remember much, and you'll reveal the info later. Even 'day after day' is a conclusion that he can't make until later.
One day, he heard a man’s voice. “Master Kha, can you hear me?” the person asked hopefully.
Not sure about the 'one day'. If Kha is in shape to remember, give us a detail (cold, light, his aches); if not, 'hopefully' is too clear a perception.
So we're in the first chapter now, past the prologue.
I'm assuming that this comes after the Su Cinibre sequence. If so, maybe you should have a sentence about some experience of it that's only explained when we read Acts.
His stomach was full but nausea threatened to make him toss up the precious food.
Friends were dead, but what about the living? What happened to Melody and Airen? What about Tazar and Drezdorf?
How did Conleth die? Did he suffer?
Dragon attacks were rare but not unheard of. Why was a dragon flying over the Earthwound at the exact moment that the Wolves decided to explore? How could a dragon cause a cave-in?
My team. My family. They are human, so I knew I would outlive everyone except Melody, but I never expected to lose them so soon. No one has visited. Where can they be?
Sorrow overwhelmed him. How was he going to hunt everyone down when he could barely lift his head?
Conleth died but I have to find the others.
Kha's weak, and this should be too.
Or ... maybe ... these are Kha's thoughts (more reflective), and perhaps some of his words, writing the letter. Or we segue from the thoughts (at the start of a chapter or fleuronated scene) to the letter as he sets it down and sets out. (Give us thought with the secondary effect of time and date, so we link to Jaylene's timeline.)
Next chapter: establishing shot that tells of his journey to Aerie; he is at the gate.
Okay, let's see KH tear this up.
