A sad poem, a warning. Is it given by a disappointed lover? I like this piece of writing. The progression from 'irresistibly drawn' to 'I believe you not'. An addiction to a particular person? To me the poem raises questions such as this. The imagery is vivid and the emotions displayed are a mixture of knowing, of awareness and yet of getting drawn into the situation until the final outcry in the last line.
Well done.

This is an exceptional poem. I love the subtle tones you add to this piece. One of my favorite lines was, "Soft flowing forgery painted on tattered canvas lent" how you mentioned that the canvas was "lent" really added to the superficiality of the love and how it was fleeting and impermanent.

Exceptional?, for sure. "languid eyes" "wanton illusion" "words of love too easily spent" "Soft flowing forgery". We all seek unique and different ways of expressing and defining emotions, you have found several, unexpected, and easy on the eyes. I've never actually met the epitome of the "her" you describe but you have a way with images that makes me shudder at the thought.

Bryan

Derek,

I really enjoyed the rythm of your writing. The tense mood set by descriptives like "Soft flowing forgery" and "Pleasured offerings roll from seditious tongue" wrapped around me like a noose. I very much look forward to reading more of your writing.

Only suggustion is: try playing with anotomical references to embolden the illegitimate sensuality and betrayal throughout the entire piece to personify the actions/emotions.

Derek this was heartfelt and the emotions you evoked was amazing with the details you used.
Pursed passionate lips


brush my cheek; I feel them not


Seductive upturned eyes


search my soul; I see them not


My favorite line in this piece and I wouldn't make any changes, you've written with precision and flare. Thanks for sharing

I don't get a sense from the poem that there is any reason for the distrust described other than the speaker's attraction to the lover. Is it meant to be an examination about the doubt inspired by arrousal? Is the beauty of the object of desire the motivation for the suspicion? If so the accusatory tone of the piece seems contradictory.

Creative, but it seems as if you played yourself with this poem...Maybe someone really played you and you can't remove the scar. It's easy to be creative when you're depress, so lighten up a little you're pretty dark in this. It can happen to anyone when I say NEXT poem please!

This is superb, Derek. You know, the poems I have reviewed this morning could be a series; is that what they are ? I think you could put them together as one and submit them somewhere if you haven't already done so. This poem is so sensitive, and leaves the reader in no doubt about what's happening. Some poems are so obscure that it is hard to work them out. As you know, I am not a poet and until I joined this site, was not "up" in poetry. Your poetry has assisted in rectifying this :)

"Ghost of reality...phantom wisps of truth within lies" Therein lies the foggy substance of the world making its presence known to the psyche subsumed by a landscape of love rooted in illusion. It's a rite of passage, a beautifully wrought moment of realization that I can relate to intimately.
"I believe you not." A kick to the soul, a goading to the heart, an offering of reality dissolving the dream-that ineffectual stance wrapping one in flotsum for nought. Great.

This is a solid and in my eyes a completed poem. I love the almost indifference to the lover in the end, its obvious that the person is suffering but its almost as if they are past the actual pain and now are just merely living the lie and decing whether or not to go on with it or get out of it. thanks alot for sharing. great job.

Good morning, Derek Atkins! You've sketched a mood in a few delicate strokes, and you've drawn it within the constraints of a rigid form: trimeter (one exception, next-to-last line) alternating with tetrameter throughout (if combined to heptameter, could have been alexandrines). Perfect rhyme (one exception) in first four four-line stanzas. Last stanza is eight lines (could have been two four-line stanzas), with perfect rhyme because same word repeated. In point of fact, the pattern has changed; in place of rhyme (similarity of sound) there is similarity of form of affirmation. Good structure! Fine as is, but could, perhaps, be "tweaked" if desired. Excellent alliteration. In first stanza sibiliants "s" and "f". In second, initial "w" sound, among others. In third, "r". In fourth, "k" sound. This is a delicately poetic allusion to disillusionment. Although not ambiguous or ambivalent, it lends itself to myriad interpretations, a true sign of lyricism. Sincere compliments! Sonny

Would that all of us smitten could taste the reality of your words and know that most is not what it seems. How many tears would that save? You have suggested with well chosen moments of deliberation and judgment the very curse of the heart when it is asking to be felt, heard, known to another... usually at a time when it should be consumed with manual labor or running a marathon. I.E. infatuation usually bites us when we are least prepared.

I like this poem and can relate to it just like everybody else. I like that you gave the other person villianous descriptions of their lies and deceit. It also gives the narrator clues as to the other's true personality and to warn others not to be near his/her lover. Keep up the good work!

Hey, Derek. I have absolutely no qualifications to review poetry. I rarely write it and I don't read it much. But some poems do move me and this was one of them especially images such as these- "Warm whispered breath words of love too easily spent Soft flowing forgery painted on tattered canvas lent" Simply beautiful.

Kat

You're really smart aren't you Derek?

There are many layers to this poem IMO. I felt you handled this very skillfully. There is something very controlled and deliberate about your writing. Maybe it flows easily for you, I don't know, but you read as if you are very very careful about word choices. For example, here....


Ghost of reality

phantom wisps of truth within lies

Cast your play

you revel as my innocence dies

Cast your play. That's interesting to me and a sharp departure from what most would use. Cast your dye is what my mind thinks here, but cast your play takes this to a different place, it slows down the read and makes your readers pay closer attention, makes us think what you're saying and not just assume.

You've set a very sad and haunting mood here.

Here you set a very sensuous mood with your word choices. Cock did crow, brings to mind the dawning of day, dawning of light, but it also makes one think of passions spent. And then again, here, with surging tide of ominous warnings, there is a sexual underbelly that really adds mood and tone to this poem. You capture so much.


Cock did crow

Dawn on the darkest of mornings

Revelation came slowly

surging tide of ominous warnings

The first two stanza speak of seduction. A drawing, a pulling, an alluring.

painted on tattered canvas lent.....This line really intrigued me. I wondered why tattered and lent. I gave me pause to stop and wonder, to really picture this. I ended up loving it. lent, not owned outright. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, I don't know, but I thought this was brillent. How can you give what you do not own, so of course the canvas would have to be lent. It works on many levels IMO. The painter didn't own the real thing so had to borrow, but also, I thought, on surface it looks as if he's being given true love, but in the end finds it was only lent, for her pleasure, not his to keep. I love the way your word choices allow me to explore your meaning, and how multi-faceted they are.

Your next two stanzas speak of passions spent and reality revealed.

Then the last two stanzas, truth is now known. There is such a feeling of resignation here. Of apathy, which IMO is the true opposite of love not hate. Hate is just the other side of love. Apathy and indifference are loves opposites. You captured that well here. That mood of indiffernece and resignation.

Okay, sorry. I'm done.

Great poem.

pamela

Very creatively written, the imagery is very precise like "Cock did crow, Dawn on the darkest of mornings." Somewhat of a dark poem, though understandable with the context. The rhyming was very good as was the flow.
You seem to have a gift keep up the great work.

God Bless!

Derek, Oh my.. my story! You read my diary didn't you? I would imagine that all who read these words can relate in one way or the other. Possibly we all have been the 'guilty also.' We just didn't see it that way. How one person perceives events and words are sometimes seen through emotions more than reason. We create what we want.

There will always be those who do not take the soul into consideration when they 'play games.' It is a rite of proving self to be able to capture another and do with them what he or she wills.

To mend the broken is to search for him or her that knows the incredible responsibility it is to hold the human heart. To know true love and all it can bring is a wonderment that few ever truly experience. How sad as so many are in search and simply miss each other.

This is such a lovely piece and all aspiring writers on this site needs to take a look and learn. This is writing.

The second verse brought memories rushing of a guy I cared sooooooo much for and to him I was but a game. One more notch in his belt I guess. What he didn't know is how since that time I have seen him for what he truly was. Thank you God.. is what I say .. saved me from myself.

As you aptly wrote with such cleverness; the warnings were all there, they always are but hope puts blinders on us all.

I need to dig out all your older work. Have been so busy the last month or more but hopefully things are slowing a bit. I can get to some of them.

I love your writing Derek...

Flo

Hi Derek, this was a great journey of love leading to betrayal and infidelity. It was passionately simple at first and then came the awakening, the revelation of a inconstant lover. Your choice of words was very vivid and imaginative. I think I liked this line best: Ghost of reality, phantom wisps of truth within lies. The way you set it up lies could mean "untruths" or lies could be where the "truth within" is residing. I liked the double entendre. Good work!

There's a background of relgious betrayal in this, something like Peter betraying Christ in Gethsemane. The cock crowing, the kiss on the cheek, darkest of mornings, but it also has the subliminal message of an innocent love betrayed in romantic situation. Some very good phrases in each section. Genitives of apposition work very well.

flame of wanton illusion
swirling mist of confusion
ghost of reality
phantom wisps of truth
surging tide of ominous warnings

This narrator is not easily fooled.

Caveat emptor.

Nadine

Very nice you are a very talented person I love your way of expression the words flow nice and the feelings come through painting a picture of a love that should never have been the temptation lust the one night or twenty minute affair ending in disappointment and emptiness
very well written Keep up the good work
Raydreamer

I felt the love and loss pulsating with each word. Unlike others, the message didn't stick out so much to me so I had to read it a second time. You really chose some excellent words... obtuse? yes! Great style and writing. I enjoyed reading this. Post more! and good luck to you in getting pucblished!

Moving

if you've ever loved, and loved, and loved, until it hurts too much to do so any longer, but still hold hope until it takes its last breath, and then come to realize there is nothing left, you will feel the stages of dispare and anger here in your poem i'm not a poet, so i can give no professional advice, but i can tell you that this moved me.