Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Good grief. Word tells me I have 2100 -ing words in the first act of Archangel and 1000 -ly words. That's going to take a wee bit of time to address.
- Kdot
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
I wouldn't over worry about having too many -ing's.
Stripping them with military favour can really stilt the phrasing.
Opps! I mean
I wouldn't over worry about the existence of too many -ing's.
Stripping them with military favour can cause unnatural formations in the elucidation.
- Kdot
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Darn, still have a stripping. Think... Think... Think
I wouldn't over worry about the existence of too many -ing's.
Excessive removal can cause unnatural formations in the prose.
204 2024-05-08 22:46:53 (edited by Dirk B. 2024-05-08 22:56:46)
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
LMAO! That's hilarious. I don't plan to remove them all. I started on it earlier today and, so far, I've kept about 1/3 of them. It only applies to -ing verbs, of course, not to other -ing words. If the un-ing version reads like cacas, I'll leave it until some mythical future publisher tells me otherwise. Even if I intended to sell the book through a publisher, I have no idea when I'll continue the cleanup beyond act one. I decided to get on with v2 of Connor Book 1 around early July. I only have so many years left to live, and I'd like finish the Connor trilogy before I drop dead, at which point anything I've published will change to a Creative Commons CC BY license. People can do anything they want with the publications at that point as long as I'm credited for the original work. And not credited for the derivative crap. 
The only way that plan would change is if the work is ridiculously successful before I keel over, in which case I still have no idea who to leave it to.
205 2024-05-09 06:29:12 (edited by njc 2024-05-09 06:30:01)
- njc
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Dirk B. wrote:
Good grief. Word tells me I have 2100 -ing words in the first act of Archangel and 1000 -ly words. That's going to take a wee bit of time to address.
You mean like "bring", "thing", and "fling" ? If they are auxiliary verbs, the complaint might have merit. If they are present participles ("let loose a stinging reply") or gerunds ("He loved singing") then Word can just take its ever-loving de-ing-ing campaign and put it where the pixels never light.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
I'm looking for alternative names for the Libertarian Church on New Bethlehem, which is an outgrowth of billionaires practicing the Greedy Gospel on the Bezos Islands. While its origins are fine, I want a better name for it in the future. It's too bland. Needs to be more spicy.
One possibility is to somehow tie the Church to Trump and/or capitalism. These are capitalist extremists; survival of the fittest! The Church of Trump? I figure since Elon and Bezos are mentioned in the story, why not Trump? If I do that, I'll have to work in their fear of stolen elections.
I'm also open to a Church name that clearly reflects their capitalist views. Definitely not your father's Christianity.
Residents of New Bethlehem could be called bootstrappers by others in the Sovereign Stars, a derogatory term for their mindset (i.e., you're on your own).
- njc
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Isn't that like the Prosperity Gospel movement?
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Exactly. Any suggestions? They wouldn't refer to their movement as the Greedy Gospel since they don't agree with that characterization.
- njc
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Something about virtue, reward, gifts? In DS9 we learn that the Ferengi believe in a great river of wealth, and they have a need to find it.
- George FLC
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
As a member of that wing of Christendom, let me protest a bit! My group might be more Prosperity Gospel Lite. We are not as far out there as some but y'all might have problems with us. Heck, I have problems with some of our teachings. But you're looking from the outside in and all you see is BAD. You're painting us all in one massive green (as in Mamon) stroke. You might be surprised as to how my church has been very generous and merciful to people who have needed desperate help. I'm thrilled with what we've been doing and are doing. Some of it is almost unbelievable.
I know it's space opera. I know you're trying to slap groups around and exaggerate. But so many people take so many punches at us that it's a little wearisome. How often do you hear the good stuff? Never. So, be careful. Slap everyone around and it'll go down easier. Perhaps say something good about us. You handled Catholicism so well and you still had zombie nuns and corrupt cardinals.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
George, while the idea for the name of the Greedy Gospel was based on the stereotypical portrayal of the Prosperity Gospel, I've intentionally avoided any mention or comparison to the Prosperity Gospel. The name Greedy Gospel is mentioned once as a historical movement followed by billionaires and trillionaires, who feel they're paying too much in taxes. The Bezos Islands are a tax haven for people like Bezos, Musk, and Trump. The Church on New Bethlehem and the Republican attitudes of the citizens are a future extension of capitalism and Republicanism run amok.
Since I needed a religion for the planet, I went with Protestantism, yet the closest I come to making such a connection is to say that the citizens revere the King James Bible, which gave me an opening to take all biblical quotes in the book from that public domain Bible. I also have Church "Elders", the most prominent of whom is Elder Amos, who turns out to be a traitor. The fact that he's an elder is not an attack on Mormonism nor on any denomination that happens to wear purple frocks with white collars (there is one, but I forget which).
If you look back at my post above (from 04:46:45), I'm looking for a sexier name for the modern Church on New Bethlehem. I want a slightly better name than Libertarian Church, which, by the way, is also the name of an existing Christian denomination (Libertarian Christianity), who might be as offended of my using that name as you are about my using the term Greedy Gospel.
My ideas come from modern/contemporary elements of our society, which I then change to futurize them and/or to minimize comparisons to anything I'm not trying to satirize. I intentionally avoided comparisons to the Prosperity Gospel because you objected to whatever name I had previously, which led me to the idea of a branch of Christianity founded by the stinking rich as a self-serving denomination. And I mention that that denomination didn't get created until some time in the future to further separate it from Libertarian Christianity and the Prosperity Gospel.
Another example: the execution of Andrew (a 14-year-old) came from my discovery that the US once executed a young teenager (14, I believe) and sentenced another to death at age 12, although the latter was 19 when actually killed. Might some Americans be offended that my idea for Andrew originated with two events that happened in America in the 1950s/60s? Sure, because you don't execute minors anymore, but that happens to be where my idea for him came from. Even though I never mention those two executions, I nevertheless am commenting indirectly on the American justice system, which is much harsher than that of most Western countries.
I also changed the nationality of the unethical woman (Dr. Anne Narky) who invented the faulty Congo-2071 vaccine to Canadian because I didn't want it to seem like I was only picking on Americans. I also have a world in the book based on the Soviet Union/Russia, which some Russians might find offensive, yet I never mention Russia or the Soviet Union. I have a world based on Mayan civilization, which modern residents of some Latin American and South American countries might find offensive because they're descended from the Mayans.
My creation of the Greedy Gospel, the Bezos Islands, the Libertarian Church, the reference to Elonus the Socialist, and (soon) Trumpism all originated to steer clear of the Prosperity Gospel by instead tying it to extreme capitalism. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to name things so as to avoid offending my reviewers, which really isn't what I should be doing given that the book is intended, in part, to be social/cultural commentary on modern society.
Hope that helps.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
George, having thought about it some more, I'm open to changing the name of the Greedy Gospel if it'll make you happy. However, I would appreciate your assistance in coming up with a new name for both the Greedy Gospel (GG) and the Libertarian Church. The name for the Greedy Gospel would hopefully reflect the fact that it was created by the stinking rich for the stinking rich, and ideally be something derogatory (a name that others called it by (eg, the Stinking Rich for Christ, but better).
The new name for the Libertarian Church should be "sexier", meaning, ideally, it should reflect the fact that extreme Republicans/conservatives/stinking rich dreamed up the Church for their own benefit. Also, when a reader first sees the name, their reaction should be either "weird" or "funny," or both.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Possible alternatives to the Greedy Gospel (all of these are intended as derogatory terms for the stinking rich):
The Loaded for Christ, The Filthy Rich for Christ, The Stinking Rich for Christ, The Obscenely Rich for Christ
Mammonists for Christ - love this
Money Changers for Christ - like this
Billionaires for Christ, Trillionaires for Christ
Scrooges for Christ
Money Grubbers for Christ
The Greedy for Christ
Capitalists for Christ
EDIT:
I decided to go for Mammonists for Christ. Money Changers for Christ is good, but it is suggestive of just bankers.
Also, a better way to handle the name of that movement is to have it named by the stinking rich as part of their assertion that you can serve both.
- Kdot
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Golden Arches*
Collective Soul**
Soul Bank
Blessings of Shylock
Reluctant Jonases
* or gates or roads or anything conveying transition
**Well this one is trademarked, but nice to brainstorm on. Collective Gold. Silver Soul. Loaded With Blessings.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Oops. You were responding while I was updating above.
A few more that yours bring to mind are "The Road (or Path) to Heaven" or "The Highway (or Expressway) to New Jerusalem".
Shylock might be an odd duck since he converts to Christianity at the end of the play, where followers of the movement think they already are Christians.
I'm still leaning toward Mammonists for Christ. It's the perfect contradiction/assertion for the obliviously rich to make.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Looks like I'll probably blow my June 30 deadline. What I had thought might be a 10-page chapter has morphed into a giant (hopefully no more than 30 pages). Although I may eventually take a hacksaw to this in the future (don't ask me how), for now I want to finish the first act with a really strong chapter before I put the book back on the shelf. Poor Joseph is locked up in a psychiatric facility, where the shrinks take away his clothes to prevent him from harming himself and to force him to cooperate. I got that crazy idea from a story I once read about a psychiatric prison taking away most of a psychotic prisoner's clothing out of some bizarre fear he would somehow harm himself using them. Not sure how, though. By swallowing them maybe? I took it a step further and made Joseph stark naked, having to frequently keep his hands over his privates. 
And as luck would have it, he has to spend much of the time in the presence of a beautiful young nurse not much older than him in situations where he can't cover up. I am so mean.
I'll just make the forced nudity a metaphor for the degrading way the mentally ill were and continue to be treated in secure psychiatric settings.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Wow! Apparently there are real cases where prisoners hung themselves with only underwear (see below). So I guess Joseph's psychiatric hospital had legitimate reasons to be concerned that he might off himself with his clothing.
We performed external autopsies and examinations on two inmates who had committed suicide by hanging themselves with their underwear and using the window bars of their cells as ligature points after they had been placed in solitary confinement. In one case, the inmate had even been deprived of her clothing (with the exception to her underwear).
- Kdot
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
In Canada, at least, when you're on suicide watch, they'll issue you paper clothes
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Kdot wrote:
In Canada, at least, when you're on suicide watch, they'll issue you paper clothes
What would be the fun in that? And you can still choke on paper.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Crap. The chapter ended up being too long. Now I'll have to see if I can salvage my favorite parts. The conversations between Joseph and the nurse (or medical resident) are some of the best scenes, but the invasive tests he's forced to undergo will have to be reduced to summary form. Too bad.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Only a few short scenes left to write, with 3 pages worth of space free to use.
Problem now is, in this chapter, which comes at the end of act 1, Joseph is no longer the immature jerk he was in my last draft of act 2. He's light years kinder and more likeable. And you feel sorry for the guy.
Not sure what I'll do about that. The only way I'll ever finish and publish this book is if I need several breaks from Connor over the next few years.
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
The final chapter(s) of act one are done. Technically it's one huge chapter, but I posted it in three parts. Now that I've cleaned it up, the dialogue and scenes are much more appropriate to the story of Joseph in a psych ward. Still has him naked, but the focus is on the relationship between him and the nurse. Terry liked their dynamic enough, he wants to see them get together as lovers at some point in the future. I feel the same way, but book one of this trilogy really has no good way way to slip her in given where the story is going. It also blows up the whole arc of Joseph coming to terms with his homosexuality, although I could have him conclude he's probably gay in book 1, then bring Catherine (the nurse) back in book 2, where he realizes he's actually bisexual.
The odds of finishing book 1? Slim.
The odds of writing book 2? Not a hope in hell if I want to finish the Connor trilogy.
Still, act 1 is now complete. I think I'll celebrate with a high fiber brownie.
On to Connor v2...
- Dirk B.
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Re: The Archangel Syndrome
Awesome idea: I can replace Princess Stephanie (a doormat) with Nurse Catherine in the second act (the young leaders conference), and replace Paul Highlander, Joseph's 2nd cousin and best friend, who travels with him to Earth, in the third act. It's too bad about Paul since that reduces him to a short appearance in act 1 (he's present at the parade square massacre). But I can make Catherine be his older sister. That allows me to bring her into the story several times, and tie her to Paul, who is otherwise this unrelated character. Paul can come back for the dogfights in the final battle, while Catherine would accompany Joseph and Christian onboard Lupus's flagship to capture it from within. She could have training as a military medic, who accompany each raider's combat team when they board enemy vessels.
