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(10 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Y'all:

With X-mas coming up, I thought it might be nice to list some of your all-time favorite novels ever. Who knows? A list may contain a great gift idea.

So, to kick off, here are mine:

* Speculative fiction (whatever that is): The War of the End of the World - Mario Vargas Llosa (Possibly the greatest novel ever written.)
* Sci-fi: Demon Princes - Jack Vance
* Horror: 11/22/63 - Stephen King
* Police procedural: Neon Rain - James Lee Burke
* Historical fiction: The Lenny Budd novels - Upton Sinclair
* Fantasy: The Majipoor Cycle - Robert Silverberg

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(12 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

750 pages? I eat those for breakfast. Will check it out.

Ray

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(12 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

They'll be reviewed by the time you wake up tomorrow morning. If I live. If you publish from here straight onto the Internet, it's considered published by agents. Also, yeah, it may get ripped off.  Big no no.    :o)

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(12 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Well, it's so good of you to 'maybe reply.' I didn't ask for anything in return. I'll pass.

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(12 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Had a few, but still looking for an additional, productive, respectful critique of your novel/novella-length manuscript before submitting? I'm looking to collect at least a hundred points, preferably in a pleasant, binge reading manner, so... Point the way. No first drafts, please. Anything goes, except, with all due respect, chick lit.

Dirk.

The dialog at the end is quite jarring. I'd use a new paragraph for it, and add 'he said.'

And you!

Fangs and neck-biting? Watch out! Don't turn her into a vampire.

Dirk!

For what it's worth, I think you're passing up an excellent opportunity to add some suspense to the mix by not foreshadowing that your boy suspects demons in the room. Have him sniff, throw in a colorful metaphor, make it scary, force the reader to turn the page. His shivering tells me nothing.

Ray

Howdy, Dirk!

Written in the POV of Romano, I think your first attempt is indeed a bit shaky. Romano can't know Connor furrows his brow 'to concentrate', and 'He' muddies the waters a little more.  If you connect the two sentences with a comma and say, '... his brow, at the same time slowly turning his head from side to side, as if... ' Also, Romano's observation about sensing something the others can't seems a bit... Oh, I don't know, too convenient. Maybe if you illustrate that a bit, I can believe it.  'like a dog sniffing the smell of food  [in the air]'? Also, who shivers? Romano? It gets damned complicated sometimes, doesn't it?

Hope this helps a bit.

Best,

Ray

Dirk B. wrote:

POV question. Since the following is from Father Romano's POV, Kdot rightly pointed out that the second sentence is a bit of a POV slip. I've since made it worse by adding "in concentration" to the first sentence.

Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in concentration. He turned his head slowly from side to side, as if sensing something that others could not. He shivered.

Technically, it's possible Connor is smelling a fart and trying to figure out where it's coming from, but that's not likely. How big a deal is this? And what would fix it? If I take out the problem parts, I'm left with:

Connor closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. He turned his head slowly from side to side, then shivered.

Doesn't really tell the reader enough until half a page later when Connor says he can sense many demons in the room. Or does it?

Suggestions?

Thanks
Dirk

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(15 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Actually, let me correct my previous post. The piece was posted here, and I received 3 reviews, all of them complaining about the length of the sentence, none of them about that error.

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(15 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Memphis Trace

Yeah, that's what the editor highlighted.  A sarcastic remark like that really helps the topic move forward.

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(15 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

I know it's joke, my dear Temple.   :o)

I guess because I like wordsmithing long sentences, I'm often (falsely) accused of writing run-ons. It's like authors here don't know what a run-on actually is, but, judging by the number of words between the first and the last one, it must automatically be one. It makes me wonder if they actually read books, or study at least some rudimentary principles of the English language, which puzzles me, given the fact English is not my mother tongue, and if I can do it, they most assuredly must be aware. Long sentences occur in novels of every genre, be it sci-fi, fantasy, horror, or speculative literary (whatever that is). Also, writing is hard work, and success must be earned. Submissions are often answered by dead air. It's not like a car mechanic is hired because he/she has a driver's license. Anyhoo, occasionally it will consume the better part of an hour for me to get it right.

So, here's the definition of a run-on sentence, to avoid further 'misunderstandings,' or planting comments as soon as there are more than, say, twenty words without a period at the end:

A run-on sentence exists when two or more independent clauses are not joined with the proper conjunction or punctuation. A run-on sentence is poor grammar. More than one independent clause cannot exist in a sentence unless they are properly combined. To properly combine clauses, correct conjunctions or punctuation must be added to the sentence. Despite their name, run-on sentences have nothing to do with length. Run-on sentences can be quite short, in fact. The only thing that determines a run-on sentence is when more than one independent clause exists without the proper tools to combine them.

Also see: https://writingexplained.org/grammar-di … n-sentence for examples.

During all my years of writing, I have never had a story rejected because of long sentences. Ever. My latest short story sale (Gigolo, which was up for review on this site a few weeks back) to https://www.3lobedmag.com/ contains this baby:

Only occasionally there's a glimpse of what once was, like a bubble of methane escapes melting permafrost and explodes: Jody's grandfather's apple orchard where they played hide and seek amidst old and gnarled tree trunks, the grass so high it tickled her thighs and chills ran down her spine when thinking how many nasty frogs might be hiding in this wilderness; Marcy's dad with his 8mm film camera, recording scenes for prosperity in his backyard, a sudden gust of wind blowing smoke from the barbeque onto the scene, obscuring three fourth-grade girls practicing for the cheerleading contest and granny laughing, granny who always understood everything, her favorite person in the whole world, granny in the background, granny she loved so much, granny who would pass away that same night; and cradled in soft chairs, the aroma of hot popcorn tickling her nostrils and Lea's impatience for the movie to begin and silently praying no big person will sit in front of her and her friends giggling and her mom telling them to hush but there's a smile in her voice and—

Can that be improved? I'm sure it can, but all I'm asking in this longish post is to pay attention to what and how it's written. and don't discard stuff without knowing why...

Ray

P.S. I'm not Shakespeare. I do this mostly for the money, and because my muse won't stop pestering the hell out of me. Plus, I'm a cranky old bastard. So there.

Howdy, Dirk!

Made it. Decided to stay another month. Have received some very valuable input from several older members, too good to miss. Plus, as a serious insomniac, like you, it appears, I write mostly at night, and an occasional discussion here sounds good to me. Have at it!

Ray

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(5 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Dirk!

Too bad. Another little thingie I wasn't informed about. If I'd known, I would've waited. I'll bet if I had posted as a separate book, it would've shown.

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(5 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Far from attempting to be an asshole, I do want to say I can't help but becoming one.

I just posted the 2nd chapter of The Greater Divide, perfectly connected to the first chapter, believe it or not, but now the post doesn't show up on the list of new posts. So I dunno. Are there more hoops to jump through? About to give up.

After an absence of more than ten years (my muse left me after our youngest son passed away), I came back here to have a rather complex manuscript reviewed. Honesty demands I mention having received several excellent x-rays, but those are far and few between. Mostly I hear the excuse for not reading and/or commenting that the chapters aren't 'connected,'  so I get an occasional drive-by review of, say, chapter seven, along with comments such as” I don't understand what's going on here,' or 'Who are these people?' sometimes getting such BS in exchange for doling out what I think are thoughtful and respectful reviews, several of which remain without a 'Thank You' note.

Various folks have pointed out to me how to do it, and I kindly thank them, but it's obviously too late now, as re-formatting requires the same amount of points as used for the original posts (the 9 chapters I posted required some hard-earned 85 points), and that ain't happening.

I fail to understand why posting a new chapter of a certain manuscript, while the software recognizes the title, and in addition specifically asks for a chapter number, even without clicking the storied  'Add A Chapter' button, isn't automatically 'connected,' but instead treated as yet another new book. But, hey, maybe I'm too stoopid. But I do know that the chapters are easily retrievable with just 2 clicks: 'View Public Profile,' and 'Portfolio,' to find all these 'books' in numerical chapter order. That is if one wants to make an effort.

Don't like the story of The Great Divide, or think my writing sucks? Fine. No problem. So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut  has repeatedly pointed out. But to become a victim of what I consider a useless complication: not fine. Also, to monthly lay out 8 or 9 bucks, or whatever it is, to have my intelligence offended isn't exactly cricket, either. I can go to Walmart 24/7, and have that done for free.

In short: I'm disgusted and deeply disappointed.

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(10 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Oh, my. I hope you feel better soon, Marilyn.

Ray

Howdy, Linda!

Thanks. You are most kind.

I saw you've been here a long time, and I wonder if in the past (before 2010) we crossed paths. I've only been back 2 months, as I have a manuscript with a rather complicated plot I'd like to expose to daylight. Lots of drive-by reviews nowadays, it seems to me.

Kind regards,

Ray

Howdy, Vern!

I remember you from way back, particularly a fine short story about a young lady who committed suicide by jumping off the Empire State Building, or am I confused? That's quite possible, so...

I followed the goddamned instructions, Temple. Go play somewhere else.

Howdy, Bill:

Thanks. The problem is that that's exactly what I did. My portfolio consists of 7 chapters, and they're all listed as 'Book', after having made that choice. Oh, well. Maybe it's a browser problem. I mostly use Opera or Edge. Will try in Firefox. Thanks again.

Ray

I can't for the life of me figure out how to make that work. I could sure use a little help. Thanks much in advance.

Ray

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(38 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

More years than I care to remember ago, this site bulged out from talented would-be authors, who took their prose serious, and more than just a handful eventually saw their work picked up by agents and publishers. I fondly remember working with a lot of them, and, later, to see my name mentioned in the Author's Notes or Thank Yous. I thankfully reciprocated, feeling as if a manuscript had become a communal effort. It was a time when reviews were serious, very worthwhile, and definitely encouraging, and it was not rare to receive 15, even 20 critiques within days of posting a chapter or a short story. Those pertaining to my own work I used to print out, and I still have most of them, complete reams. When you get older, nostalgia rules.

Today, not so much.

If you have several pieces up for review, and, when after 4, 5 days there's nothing, I must question what's left of The Next Big Writer. Even looking at the actual quality of some of these crits breaks one's heart: the majority only deals with the first, say, quarter of a post, just so the points are collected and in the bank. Other critiques offer nothing but glib remarks (the just over 50 words even contain typos), mere drive-by comments, so to speak.

Hell! Some authors here have contacted me with regards to this or that person leaving a 'mean', 'offensive', or even 'discouraging' review.

Mind you, lately I stumbled across a few fine prose composers, exceptions to the zombie climate, I guess. At the same time, I still find it a challenge to help newbies along when they take their first steps into the damnable business of writing fiction.

And that's all I have to say about that. Cue the derogatory replies: 3, 2, 1: