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This is the new chapter 1 of version 3 of the book (technically, this is a prologue). If you haven't already read v3's Book Content Summary, please do so. It provides some useful information about the story and may help you decide if it's right for you. Please note that v3 is a separate book from v2 for technical reasons. My primary focus remains v2.

IMPORTANT CHANGES: This chapter includes a number of name changes compared to v2 to clean things up. Luna II is now called Neuer Mond since it's neutral territory (think Switzerland) and therefore shouldn't have an Imperial/Latin name. Similarly, a colossus (the largest Realm warship) is now called a dreadnaught, also to avoid the obvious Imperial/Latin connection. The opposite is true for behemoths, the largest Imperial warships - they're now called titans. For the same reason, Admiral Adalwulf is now Admiral Gaius Lupus. Incinerators (always hated that name) are now called supernovas for ship-mounted cannons, deep fryers for energy rifles, and light toasters for the handguns. :-)

FEEDBACK: Besides the usual, if anyone has the time, please nit my comma and paragraph usage with an inline review. I'd prefer to get this right up front, before I write a whole book full of errors.

Thanks.
Dirk

I've noticed a few different authors on the site using different rules to break up paragraphs, especially when it's mixed with dialogue. Following is from one of my chapters (with paragraph numbers for clarity):

     1. Next, Joseph exited the bathroom, set the weapon back to full power, and fired at the glass booth over the head of the remaining guard. It exploded in a shower of glass, momentarily stunning the guard. Joseph quickly reset the weapon to stun, then fired repeatedly at the man until he was sure this guard was unconscious as well. He called to his fellow slaves and said, “Everyone, Paul and I are leaving. If you want out of here, we can escort you.”
     2. Paul and the others came running.
     3. At Joseph’s direction, they carried the unconscious man into the bathroom, stripped both guards of their uniforms, and placed them in restraints. Joseph and Paul quickly put the uniforms on, grabbed the rifles, and led the others out of the warehouse. “Try not to act suspicious,” Joseph told everyone. “It’s a simple slave escort. Nothing more.”
     4. The group walked past multiple open warehouses where other guarded slaves loaded and unloaded ships.
     5. “So far, so good,” Joseph said.

Should the sentence in (1) starting with "He called to his fellow slaves..." be a separate paragraph? It's still a continuation of Joseph's actions. Does it come down to stylistic preference?

Same question for the dialogue in (3) that starts with "Try not to act suspicious..."

Should paragraphs (2) and (3) be combined? What about (4) and (5)?

I'd be interested in hearing as many opinions as possible.

Thanks.
Dirk

I just did a very detailed review for a new member only to realize part-way through that he was probably a free member and won't be able to see it. I'm aware of the limitation and still got burned by it. Also, I won't be able to do nearly as detailed a review using a regular review (commas, dialogue punctuation, formatting, bits of grammar, etc.), so the user won't be aware of what he's missing, since he can't see it. I know regular reviews can be used for very detailed feedback as well, but it's a royal pain and I know I won't be as thorough with dozens of small suggestions if I have to revert to old-site style copy-and-paste.

Perhaps a way to go would be for free members to get a three-month premium trial or some other way to see what they could have by becoming premium. Another way to go would be to let a free user see one (three?) inline reviews from each reviewer, but then no more. The former is probably easier to implement, but I think the latter is preferable, since it takes more than three months (in my experience) to really find and make helpful connections. If I was a free member and saw a Charles Brass-style inline review of my work, I'd sign up in a heartbeat. Lucky for me, I've got several awesome reviewers, but it took time to find and build those relationships. If someone can see inlines applied to their work, it would be a major hook.

Regardless, we really need a way to warn reviewers when someone won't be able to see an inline review. The button to leave inline reviews should warn off reviewers if the recipient won't be able to see it. The warning message could include the suggestion to leave a regular review instead.

In the mean time, is there a way to tell if someone is free or premium?

Thanks.
Dirk

Since notifications to my regular reviewers aren't working yet, I thought I'd post ongoing requests for reviews here for now.

Chapter 24 (Hail, Apollo!) is up in "Into the Mind of God v2".
Chapter 1 (For the Realm!) is up in "Into the Mind of God v3" (separate book). I used a separate book, since versioning won't work well for me as I do major chapter surgery in v3.

Thanks.
Dirk