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I was thinking it's about time I tried my hand at what many argue is the most difficult of all types of short stories--the comedy one. So, by writing this out I wanted to see if I can be funny. Sadly, it looks like the funny gene passed me by. I'll still take a run at it though, and my next short story will be a comedy attempt. Uh, any recommendations on if it's more advantageous to write a comedy SS in 1st person or 3rd person? Consider the writer (me) has no gift for gab, so which one do you think I can best squeak by on?

I tried to envision walking through a prison with a camera on the way to see a particular prisoner. Does the camera pick up some of the other inmates on the way? Now Maribel is not just brash but she's somewhat nosy/curious as to why she keeps questioning what she sees.

The boorkin will definitely be used in a later setting. I don't want to give away too much, but I've established the boorkin are loyal to the Foresters and later it is revealed that Talmas has the Forester blood line. So you can see how these can be connected later, I think. The other prisoner, Paldara, joins the story at a later point.

I have several things in the story that seem at first pointless, but do come into play later on.

Agree - 3.

I think the majority were newer members, although I feel it's mostly about one's background if anything can be used to point to reviewing and writing skills. But that's correct, it doesn't matter if someone with years of editing experience wants to join, we are at the limit of what most of our members can juggle for reviewing, writing, and the other necessities of daily living.

Completed reviews of Randy's Dangerous Alliance, chapters 2,3,4,5, & 6.

Well deserved recognition of your hard work and knowledge of the subject material. I'm certain more five star reviews will come your way

HERE COME THE ORCS!

One of the cornerstones of the fantasy genre, the vilified Orc was a creature used when the author needed a fantasy version of a gang member from the mean streets of Sin City.

And now the Orc is soon to step from the pages of fantasy to reality if mankind follows its usual path of mishandling new breakthroughs:

"Researchers have created a viable hybrid part-human, part-pig embryo for the first time in history. According to a study published in the journal Cell Thursday, researchers were able to successfully inject human stem cells into a pig embryo and grow tissue that would form the early stages of human organs like the heart, liver and neurons."

We only need a handful of crazed scientists to build a real life Orc army and then J.R.R. Tolkien will join the likes of Jules Verne's submarine where fantasy becomes reality.

To me, it's more interesting for the current trajectory than having the parents operating as a pair. It was necessary to first show them together in the family life setting, but I like seeing how Mellaen works to find and follow Shogrun's trail. Because Caneth's capture was the key that draws the MC down the story's plot, it was evident to me and I'm sure all other readers that Caneth is "out of the picture" until the time to confront Shogrun and what follows occurs.

I feel the time has been spent wisely where the MC - Merran has gotten the most screen time and her mother is also featured with less but adequate frequency. I'm not shy about telling you otherwise if I think so either.

Jeran as I mentioned remains my concern as far as the characters go up to where I'm at in chapter 22. I think you have to find a way to turn the dial up on him and find some places to stress him, drop a dilemma on him, put him at odds with one or more of the others, etc. This won't be easy if made contrary for a time to Merran because he is beholden to her and would understandably feel gratitude. Whatever your reasons to the contrary may be, at this point his presence isn't being felt enough through the adventure. This is completely repairable IMO but you would benefit from drawing up both situations and developments that could address this you are comfortable with and a list of those that make you uncomfortable but may spark inspiration nevertheless. I guess I'll end my sermon here and leave the pulpit.

The review members collectively wave to Jube. "C'mon back and pontificate to us some more *after* you've managed to finish your novel, okay?"

I mentioned at the end of my last review, I'd post some of my impressions here so far for your consideration -

Story opening: Home run. Why? The story's trigger and key that draws the characters into the plot are all hitting right away and sneaks up on the reader. The way Shogrun goes from 0 - 60 sneaks up on you. He starts out with the impression he's just ticked off about the abuse of his pets, but escalates from there on showing it wasn't really premeditated - we call this realistic. The stakes are thrown at the reader right away and are as obvious as a truck coming at you: 1. My father was kidnapped! 2. That evil slime even took the baby! 3. I need to get them back! 4. Who the hell are you soldier boy? Wait, you're that guy who started this mess in my house! And one of the best points is the big hint from seeing how Shogrun seems to be rather well off that there is a power behind him to contend with later.

Magic system: Okay with room for improvement. Why? No apparent cost is one problem for me. I didn't forget the comments right above this one from before, but I'm on chapter 22 and have seen no costs to using magic more freely than a potato peeler in an Idaho field of Russet potatoes.
I get the strong impression from watching the abundant usage of magic that these sorcerers can go on forever using it to: cook, clean, heal, harm, hunt and kill, and everything in between with no cost to themselves. They don't get exhausted, they don't suffer ill effects if they exceed their limits - do they have limits? They certainly have distinctions of abilities among themselves. Masters are at the Academy and there are some references of sorcerers knowing who is stronger than who. And yet there were some examples of drawing on external power sources (magical stones) for accomplishing tasks at hand alluding to limits.

Limits and such may be in later chapters, but it would be very beneficial to put an example or two in prior to chapter 20. The Elemental Fire - I think I mentioned before that traditionally, fantasy authors from novices to the big fish use Water as the element for healing since it has some realism to it. Blood is mostly water and the body has a lot of it so it makes sense in that respect. Using Fire is interesting to me in the way it breaks away from the norm so the element used is not an issue for me, but I think a distinctiveness should be introduced. For example - Today I used Fire to heal and then I used Fire to turn the enemy to ashes. But what if you described the flame appears green or blue or white when healing and red when destroying? That's what I was getting at. In regards to this, I think I mentioned in the review how Harsan uses Fire to heal one leg then Air to heal the other annoyed me to no end. It gave me the very strong impression he could do the healing with any element he chose based on a whim. If you've read the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher (quite the arrogant ass IMO if you've seen his comments before including his letter to Nanowrimo which did anything but encourage hopeful authors) his MC Harry Dresden, wizard for hire, has something similar to your world build Sorsight. But JB incorporates a *cost* for wizards to use their wizard eye (I forget what he called it). When looking upon something purely evil or deeply scarred psychology, the wizard can go mad or become violently ill for days.

Character impressions: The MC is a young girl thrown into tragic circumstances, but takes the bull by the horns and decides to do something about it. Heroic fantasy novels are often heavily slanted toward male MC's so this diverges in a refreshing way. Not only is the gender bucking the trend, but her demeanor is strong willed and decisive. You see this even before the opening hook action by her stubborn streak displayed toward her parents. Jaden has an interesting military background provided from the beginning and through the chapters. This character needs work IMO to avoid becoming just the background himself. Granted, he's not meant to be the MC, but he is meant to be a major character. Stop gagging him with narrative and let him talk in dialogue more often. Most importantly, provide him a *slant* to his character. The late David Eddings wrote an amazing bestseller series called The Belgariad and The Mallorean. One of the most masterful character creations and interactions are found in his books. Each character has a distinct *slant* that makes them tick from the others. I'll take one of the most extreme for example. "Relg" is a holy man but a known religious fanatic that even annoyed his own God regarding being pure from sin during a face to face meeting at one point. Until Relg undergoes an epiphany of sorts in later chapters, his interaction and inclusion among the other major characters range from smirks, to laughs, to disgust, to one of the more brutish characters considering removing Relg with a sword. What is Jamen's slant? He gets along with Merran, he pays attention and follows along on the magic explanations, but other than providing some military training tidbits he doesn't seem to have a slant at all. I would've expected him to carry a "Magic can't do everything and for most of what you show me I can do without magic in a different way." This could be a source of mild conflict with sorcerers they meet and you could even have him undergo an epiphany later on where he sees the use of magic in a different light. As he is now, he's "I'm following Merran." And little else is coming across from him.

I like Glaselle's design so far. She pays a lot of attention to Merran and that's realistic to me. There are hints dropped in that she also pays attention to Jeran, so the reader is teased with maybe she is attracted to him. Glaselle is shown both in skill, experience, and attitude she can be very different than Merran and the contrast helps keep me interested in the character progression. I did think you benefit more if you took the opposite approach of "I'm happy for you Merran as I mentally add up all the pros going for you." It's more realistic for her to think and/or exhibit some traces of jealousy. Suin has this angle down perfectly in her novel. Would it be as interesting to read about how everyone got along and cheered each other's accomplishments page after page? I think not. Here's how this works IMO realistically - A man says to a group of people, "See those two couples over there? One couple is going to walk hand-in-hand heading left. They will never argue or get upset with each other and will get along very well. Ah, but this other couple heading to the right is different. They will get along sometimes and argue often and may even break up! Now which couple do you people want to follow?" As sad a commentary as it may be on humanity, you can bet most if not all are going to follow the couple going right. It's more interesting is why. I'm only around 20% into the progression of your chapters from book 1, but I hope to see more clashes of opinions, ideas, and maybe even beliefs down the line from the character interactions. No, they shouldn't be constantly fighting and clawing and scratching at each other, but some in moderation goes a long way.

Plot/Events: As I mentioned, the opening hook is great and doesn't get much better than that with early timing to boot. If you're following the 3 act structure or some variant that is closely similar then I should be coming up quick on the 1st major conflict point in your plot. A 1st conflict point recommended at around the 20-25% mark of the novel, a climax of events at around the 50% mark, and a final conflict point at around the 75% mark followed by a resolution for the ending. That's the template but, of course, it's not something that must be adhered to exactly as it's a guide.

I'll break here and may add more later when family members have ceased trying to abscond with my keyboard and PC.

Completed reviews for chapters 6,7, & 8 of Suin's Being Fifteen novel .........

I forgot to ask so I'll put the question here, is your magic system in your world build drawing a cost?

Brandon Sanderson writes that magic systems in magic based fantasy writing can be categorized as - 1. Rigid and all magic operating has clear cause and effect relationships understood from the world building expository given. As an example, you want to throw a fireball at your enemies? First you need to be within a yard of a fire source, second you need to be trained and have the ability to manipulate fire, third you need to possess mana equal to at least 100 normal people. An example of a fairly rigid system to use it, eh?  2. The Middle of the Road approach where some rules are in play and leeway is built in for effect without cause mentioned. This is the method Sanderson recommends. 3. A magic system that is effect with no cause given and no rules governing its usage that is made apparent to the reader. Sanderson cites Gandalf as a good example of this. We see what he can do, but aren't informed as to how he does it.

But the big thing is cost. Is there a cost to using magic in the writer's world build? Sanderson cites Superman as a good example of this. If there was no Kryptonite weakness built in for Superman then readers would quickly tire of an invincible character that could not be stopped. Sanderson also argues Superman's moral rigidity similar to say a Samurai's Bushido code of conduct also acted as a restraint the character had to deal with as a cost to doing business. Probably a better example is the main character in the epic series Eye of the World. Men use *Saidin* a magical power source restricted only for males where women are not even able to sense it's existence, but the cost is they slowly go insane the more they use it over time.

While you could easily tell me "Just read on and you will find out" I'd like to jump the gun here and ask if you've built in a magic cost for Merran, her parents, and others like Goran?