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Congratulations!

For reference, this monster has a mouth and a spare: http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.p … VnGMFv9Okm

Hitting with bricks is for kets, not rytters: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krazy_Kat

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FTlnV6_uaK4

Gunn Diode

Bore Axe

At a certain point you have to stop showing or your story mires itself in detail.  That said, I think this passage might be improved, but not by going as far as you have.  'tight fit' is a plausible target, but 'narrow' is direct description, though not related specifically to Tazar's scantlings.

You've also added conclusions not supported by the original story.  Had an animal broken through that, the crystaline points would have broken off.

Let me add a thought on Janet's "It's just an aside."  A Cooper Mini is a small car, but it would be very large if you tried to use it as a motorcycle sidecar!  The result would be hideously unbalanced--unless maybe you used this motorcycle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodge_Tomahawk  (That's a frightening thought, actually.)

The problem with the five priests is that the sentence is overloaded.  The main topic (Tazar's traverse of the passage) is introduced, and then we have to introduce a whole 'minor premise' almost as an aside.  You could change 'five glowing speartips' in my version to 'the five priests' glowing speartips' but we've tread that point repeatedly in the story.

Amy's version of the second paragraph doesn't tell us if plug is slug is poultice, or why Tazar would chew it.  I had to guess at the connection to make it explicit.  It uses the participle for 'pulling out' as a modifier on the act of going in--a contradiction.  We're left to surmise (reasonably) that Tazar bandages the injured calf, but saying so does not break the flow.  'Supply' is a vague word with no picture.  'Roll' is specific, and provides a picture.

I hope you never have to do that!

Now ... as to preconceived formula:  The preconceived formula is just the exact sequence of events, for all events internal and external.  It doesn't cover things like 'I'd never dreamed of anything so wonderful.'  Nor do I suggest or demand that you write everything that way ... only that you practice a little so that you learn, as a habit, how to see that ordering.  That will give you the freedom to use it or avoid it by choice.  I don't think you'll ever be a pointilist, or want to be.  But doing things on that very foreign way for an hour or so, on a very short sample, may show you the other side of Jack Spratt (or his wife ... you decide which is which).

Unless you think the exercise will ruin you forever?

When a movie script is written, especially for an action movie, it's often converted into cartoon-like drawings called a storyboard.  Sometimes (as for Jackson's LoTR) the director or author and a few others play out the parts before a camera to test both the script and the director's blocking and composition of shots.

What I'm suggesting is a little like rehearsing the story internally, going through things as they happen, as they must happen, for things to make sense.

Back to The Elements of PROGRAMMING Style for a moment.  The authors suggest, in different words, that the first step is to be able to identify bad style so you can go back and revise it ... and the second step is learning, during the revision, how to avoid the problems when you first write it, so revision is less and less necessary over time.

Only KH can say how well the samples I wrote match Jenna's voice.  In part, that's because he's kept it to himself so much!  More specifically, he's let Jenna show herself by her large actions, but not by small details.  A detail like the Unfamilar Potato can be telling--and touching.  If I didn't know Jenna before, this would hit me in the face like a mudpie.

I  have to work on description because I don't see things that way--yet.  When I work mentally I cut right to the action and skip the establishing shots and all the rest.  But I'm trying, and maybe even doing a little better.  The ideal, of course, is to have the description and action so closely linked that you can't pigeonhole the bits of story into one or the other.  That's a long way off for me.  But the nearer goals will get me closer.

Ah, I've got email about your next posting.  And Awwwayyy Wweee Gooo!

Thank you.  A KH compliment!  I must learn how to happy-dance.

That's not changing from oblique thinking to linear.  That's wiping the thinking out and writing in its outcome.