Congratulations!!! Woo-Hoo! Huzza-Huzza.
226 2018-09-01 16:05:05
Re: First book finally published. (11 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Basic)
227 2018-09-01 16:03:39
Re: WIP: Exile in Time (29 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Kdot wrote:Unrelated note: Tolkien sure would get a lot of nits if he posted on this site. So many unnecessary words, including the "suddenly" that Norm's been taking fire for.
Delete(reason) wrote:[Sam saw a strange and terrible thing. (OBV)]
Gollum on the edge of the abyss was fighting [like a mad thing with](cliché) an unseen foe. [To and fro](implied) he swayed[, now so near the brink that almost he tumbled in,](smaller sentences) now dragging back, falling [to the ground](where else would he fall?), [rising, and falling again](too many -ing's). [And all the while](not needed) he hissed [but spoke no words](implied by hiss). The fires below [awoke](fires don't sleep) [in anger](over explaining), the red light blazed, [and all the cavern was filled with a great glare and heat](Not important - smaller sentences).
[Suddenly](no suddenly) Sam saw Gollum’s long hands draw [upwards](too much direction) to his mouth; his [white](can any other colour gleam?) fangs gleamed, and [then] snapped as they bit. Frodo [gave a cry](cried), and there he was, [fallen upon](on) his knees at the [chasm’s] edge. But Gollum, dancing [like a mad thing], held [aloft] the ring, a finger still [thrust] within [its circle].One of my reviewers hit me with a review like this.
I'm reminded of Rockefeller who, once he became wealthy, supported legislation that would ban how he became wealthy. I would add to the list of those who would be excluded by editors today such illuminaries as Dorothy Sayers, e.e. cummings, Melville...the list goes on and on and on. One of the reasons that I decided to self-publish. I may only make a pittance (I average about $30 a month in royalties; last month was $2.95), but I have an audience that appreciates me and as for the rest? Their loss, not mine.
228 2018-09-01 15:59:38
Re: WIP: Exile in Time (29 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I like the flow much better - didn't have that blurry feeling. Bungalow mentioned (I had pictured it more like a locker room - part of a larger complex). Shed blood = bonus points. Tears xtra bonus points (unless those tears are rips). Last paragraph is sharper or cleaner than I remember, not sure which.
Thanks, Kdot. Don't apologize for being slow; you gave me a thoughtful and useful review here.
229 2018-08-31 17:29:38
Re: WIP: Exile in Time (29 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
OK, Kdot, how's this?
That rattled Barbara. “You’re good. You could have gotten a lot of that from my dossier, from some sneaky actions on your part. You almost make me believe it. But let’s just see how good you really are.” Turning, her back to the sink, Barbara lunged at Rhiannon.
Rhiannon stepped aside at the point of no return, clocked Barbara on the back of the neck as she skidded by toward the bungalow’s side window.
Barbara fell down, lept up; her robe flew open, displaying a growing pinkish-red color on her knees. She circled Rhiannon, did a leg sweep and push with a knock to the fairy’s neurovasculars. There was a satisfying crack from the neck. The intruder gasped and fell.
The two women wrestled, rolling toward the sofa and back toward the window, threatening the table and Barbara’s OLED television.
Barbara’s focus went from Rhiannon to the device that had cost her two months salary.
Taking advantage of her opponent’s shift in awareness, Rhiannon brought her elbows in toward her torso, and, using her forearms and knees as frames, exploded. Rotating her hips and shoulders, she rolled Barbara off her, jumped to her feet. The vibrations knocked the television over. It made an ominous fizzing noise.
Barbara craned her neck at her television, silently wept for her lost electronic friend, not yet paid for, still noticed that Rhiannon was about to knuckle the soft part of her legs and come down with a ridge hand to her genitals. She jumped to avenge her lost television and subdue the enemy alien.
As Barbara landed on her feet, Rhiannon kicked the marine, who doubled over with a scream, spittle dropping on the Safavieh solid plush shag rug that separated the entertainment table and the sofa. Between the drool, the blood, and the tears from unfriendly feet, the rug too would need a visit to the furniture infirmary.
Cursing, whether to reduce her pain or because of the shambles that was replacing her lounge one couldn’t say, Barbara circled around to Rhiannon’s back. Got her in a hammerlock. Pinched the nerve on the fairy’s wrist.
Wincing in pain, Rhiannon grabbed Barbara’s hand, did an ‘L’ maneuver with her feet, then pressed down on a nerve point on Barbara’s arm and kicked her. Now, it was Barbara’s turn to scream.
Barbara, putting her mass into it, kicked back, forcing Rhiannon with an ‘oof’ to let go of her grip and step back, to prepare for a panther strike. Before Rhiannon could complete the strike, Barbara somersaulted to her visitor, knocking her back down.
Rhiannon thrashed, the cottage cheese ceiling mocking her as Barbara finally put handcuffs on her. Rhiannon screamed, resisted by kicking. Barbara made an iron stomach, as the feet threatened to knock the front of her stomach against the back, Tensing, the marine leg cuffed the fairy.
Rhiannon whistled for her death sword. She realized that was absurd; it hadn’t been forged yet.
She heard Barbara gasp, as a whirring sound got louder and louder, and the Goblin Ice blade appeared out of nowhere and sliced through Rhiannon’s shackles. It floated a fraction of an inch from her side, as she sprung up.
230 2018-08-31 16:20:29
Re: WIP: Exile in Time (29 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Thanks, Kdot. Your distinction between sequence and story scene is a great one (very analytical. Cough) and the examples illuminating. I see your point and will change the fight scene (and others, if I remember) accordingly.
231 2018-08-25 16:53:26
Re: Savior of the Damned (the Connor series) by Dirk B. (1,461 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
The route from Old Jerusalem to Bethany is blocked, and the Jordan River no longer runs by where Jesus was baptized. That is almost as bad as when I finally got to visit Nottingham Forest, of Robin Hood fame and found they'd built a suburban housing track there. At least the Black Forest is still there, even if they have highways through there complete with speed limits and 'Watch Out for Deer' signs. Sigh. Othello's profession--gone!
232 2018-08-25 02:50:06
Re: Savior of the Damned (the Connor series) by Dirk B. (1,461 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I'm sorry I spoiled part of the ending of Season 1 for you, then, Dirk. You can't get it on Netflix; only HBO. There's a lot more to Delores's evolution than I've mentioned though. However, best for you to not watch the show until you forget what I said; instead read Julian Jaynes, The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind, It's a discredited theory, as they mention in WW, but they give it a twist--it's a model for how to create consciousness, given programming. The book may give you an idea. Prophets were people who still had the bicameral mind--and heard the voices of their own subconscious as the voice of God. So imagine how you start hearing those voices as your own. And instead of coming to the conclusion that it is your own voice, you come to the conclusion that it's God's voice and the fact that you can't distinguish means you are God. But this is an ontological truth. When ordinary people experience that, they are considered delusional, as the underlying assumption is that the assertion, "I am God" is false. And there are books on the parent self and the child self, and how, in adults, you get messages from your parent self. Substitute 'God the Father' for 'parent.' Well, this should get you started. Meanwhile, I'll edit "SPOILER ALERT" in my comment. Toodles.
233 2018-08-23 20:47:11
Re: Savior of the Damned (the Connor series) by Dirk B. (1,461 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
In paranormal literature, an imprint is usually part of an energy field--left by a spirit, for example. Auras also can show whether you're happy, or fearful, that sort of thing, by whether they are expansive or hug the body. If he's supposed to be the reincarnation of Jesus, then I suggest that you use the analogy of remembering a dream or recalling repressed memories (controversial because of the blend of fantasy and suggestion, but they might make a good model). Also, maybe if you hear yourself when you talk to yourself, that could be useful. One person I knew heard a voice in his head that told him he couldn't be successful. Using an energy psychology technique, he "tuned" the voice up until he recognized it--it was his mother. So think of the times like that, when you hear a voice in your head telling you something--and maybe have Connor hear a voice, unbidden, like an ego-alien, say the Sermon on the Mound. He tunes it up (have him go to a psychologist or hypnotherapist, and as he hears the voice more clearly, he realizes it's his voice. Or better still, have him hear the voice of Jesus (from Zeferelli or others who have produced films), but as he tunes it up, it's his voice.
SPOILER ALERT. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE FIRST SEASON OF WESTWOLRD, DON'T READ FURTHER. Another possible model. Delores kept on having 'memories,'in scenes where she and Bernard were talking, and he was probing the breakdown in her programming. But when she finally gets to the center of the maze, she first sees Bernard, but she turns around and it's her talking to herself. Freedom and sentience is when you hear the voice of the gods as your own voice. SPOILER ALERT.
So Connor, in his way to self-discovery, when he talks to himself, at some point is talking to Jesus--and Jesus becomes him...Just thoughts and I hope I didn't spoil that part of WW to you if you haven't seen it.
234 2018-08-23 20:35:03
Re: Can poverty take a life? (14 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
njc, yes, a great example!
235 2018-08-23 17:43:43
Re: Savior of the Damned (the Connor series) by Dirk B. (1,461 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Aura is probably fine. But in energy psychology, your aura is different than your energy field, which can contain isomorphic manifestations of your thoughts. Your aura is a colored field said to enclose a human body. It is sometimes thought of as a subtle body. Your energy field contains chi, the chakras, any effects from kinesthesiology, the flows that allow acupressure to work, dim mak, the power of chi kung, which can be used (and I know this because I have done it) to move an opponent's body against his will. So it depends on what you are trying to say. Sounds to me like it's aura, as it sounds like you're talking about the subtle body of Christ following along your character.
236 2018-08-23 17:10:02
Re: Can poverty take a life? (14 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
In literature, you can say what you want, so if you want to say someone died from poverty, sure, go ahead. You'll be in the tradition of Dickens, Victor Hugo, Zola, and others who did this. Strictly speaking, it's one's responses to poverty that might lead to death. Zweig, a real world billionaire, became that way because he was born in poverty. Hollis Brown (yes, a fictional character, but hey, that's my point) killed himself and his family because he lived in poverty.
237 2018-08-21 15:47:35
Re: Savior of the Damned (the Connor series) by Dirk B. (1,461 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
I'm glad I get to make up my landscape. Actually, I research medieval and Elizabethan settings all the time. Not to mention, Hossenfelder's, "Lost in Math," to inspire my faux-science.
238 2018-08-21 15:43:13
Re: Climb Down Opinions (8 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
One can climb up or one can climb down. Heraclitus said the road up is also the road down. Contemplate this the next time you see a staircase. I know I will.
239 2018-08-18 17:16:41
Re: WIP: Exile in Time (29 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)
Debbie: the POV is omniscient, although if a character is front-and-center, it is mainly from theirs. I've likened what I'm doing to J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts) who often changes POV in the middle of a paragraph. The narrator will often put some details in that the character couldn't know (at that time), to help the reader along. From the style, I'd say the narrator is Rhiannon, deliberately using the omniscient/3rd person POV, because of the similarity of styles between this and the other books, but no name is given to her.
240 2018-08-17 19:51:19
Re: The Hacker (4 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Basic)
I got three messages which vanished before I could look at them. I infer that they are from the hacker. Gacela, you've been in Second Life, so you know; griefers do it for fun. It's the same here, I'm sure.
241 2018-08-17 19:48:55
Re: The Hacker (1 replies, posted in Close friends)
It's not just you. I saw 3 new messages, and after I checked my novel, I went to look at them. They are gone and so is the Premium Group. The messages having vanished perhaps indicates Sol is on the alert. But I'll message him from FB.
242 2018-08-16 04:11:20
Re: Hacker Mischief (9 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Thanks, Sol. Gee, the things I miss when I'm away for a day.
244 2018-08-13 19:20:29
Re: Welcome (260 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Hello
Welcome, G
245 2018-08-13 19:18:58
Re: Welcome (260 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Hello everyone. I am new here. I would love if you read my work and review it. I promise to do the same
Welcome, Yug
246 2018-08-12 18:56:13
Re: POV changes in a short stories (18 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
The omniscient POV is tabu because of editors who could block your access to your potential audience. And in "How to Write Good" manuals, they stress not using it. But with this era of everyone having his/her own printing press, we should simply do what makes the story work. Our only concerns should be consistency, flow, and clarity. There, I said it.
247 2018-08-11 18:06:58
Re: For Firefox Browser Users (3 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
I've tried all of them. I find the Firefox to be the best. It is very natural. The one on www.naturalreaders.com has some annoying features. When....it comes...to a sentence end, it....pauses.... And for contractions, like I V E, it pronounces all the letters. Did a good job on Yggdrasil, which surprised me. The Edge one is OK, but I didn't like the voice (personal preference.) The natural reader one will allow you to upload whole manuscripts, which is a neat feature. The Firefox and Edge one seem to be only for what's on a webpage.
There, I said it. (lol)
Rachel
Oh, and I just tried the Firefox one on my own stuff. Some mistakes stand out glaringly when the story is read to you.
248 2018-08-11 17:37:59
Re: For Firefox Browser Users (3 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
Thanks, Dag. I will have to try it. Also, thanks, Jeff. That sounds like a plan, too.
249 2018-08-11 17:23:00
Re: POV changes in a short stories (18 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)
It kind of depends (as does everything.) Nora Roberts changed POV in the middle of a paragraph. Head hopping has gotten a bad rap because it jolts the reader, but if you do it with enough flow, it's fine. A crowd scene, for example. It would be perfectly fine to switch from a United the Righter to an Antifa, to the cop trying to prevent each of them from killing each other in the space of a page--if that's all part of the action.
250 2018-08-09 23:33:11
Re: WIP Where Heaven and Hell Meet by Mariana (63 replies, posted in Close friends)
The rape thing can't be forgotten, though, although it can increasingly slide into the background. There will be the attitudes towards Athens because of it, which Helga will have to contend with (she might have to use demonic powers against some guy, for instance). Athens' parents (I don't recall them playing a role before, but they would) might sue the school; there will be a lot of news coverage about the suicide attempt due to bullying, both on the internet and the MSM (mainstream media). And btw, the idea of a teenaged demon rediscovering her human side is one of the things that has heretofore been lacking--a theme that ties in with the developmental issues of young adults. The best stories for young (and new) adults do this. Smallville had, as its underlying premise, the discovery of your powers as you grow older. Supergirl plays off of the problems of women in their twenties--for instance, you are in love with this man, but his mother is horrible and you feel your whole world will crumble if you choose between him and what you want to do in life. It's just that most women's mothers-in-law don't have superpowers and are bent on taking over the world, and when you think you're losing your world to a guy, it isn't literal.