Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → Satan's Last Stand (the Connor series) - Dirk B.
I'm sure mine will be a bestseller. I won't even need marketing. Just put it on Amazon and wait for the nasty reviews to roll in. It'll be so bad, it'll become a cult classic. The movie version will result in more buckets of popcorn thrown at the screen than The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Last Jedi.
Now I have a random urge to re-watch rocky horror
Kdot, how about this for the closing of scene 1 (the healing of Alessandro)?
As Romano turned a corner, he thought he saw a shadowy figure surrounded by swirling fog walking away from him. He blinked to be sure he was seeing correctly. The figure and the fog were gone. He walked down the hallway. It was so cold he could see his breath. Romano decided what he saw must have been an illusion, although the freezing temperature was real. He changed course, headed for the boiler room. Hopefully, whatever was wrong with the furnace could be fixed for little money. However, when he passed an air vent, he found it was blowing warm air. He stopped and frowned. What the devil?
the danger need not be that direct. You could degrade "shadowy figure" just to shadow. He follows it wondering who's there. Oh, empty room.
This would be enough by itself to remove the main character's impregnable safety net. Temperature change + boiler room part may be too cluttered for the current narrative
Got rid of the boiler room elements, leaving me with the paragraphs below. I kept shadowy figure since he's a human-like entity that can switch between corporeal and spirit form at will. I haven't decided yet if the fog and cold air are an intentional calling card or a side effect of him straddling the two worlds.
As Romano turned the final corner, he thought he saw a shadowy figure surrounded by swirling fog walking out of his office and down the hall. “You there. Stop!” The figure turned the corner. Romano ran down the hallway to look, but the figure had disappeared. All that remained was the fog and ice cold air, both of which dissipated quickly. Romano’s heart pounded. He crossed himself and said, “The majesty of Christ commands thee…”
Romano entered his office to see what the intruder might have been after. Everything looked as he had left it except that the perpetual adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to be in the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He wouldn’t mention the fog and cold air, but one or more of the boys might be at risk.
One more try. Please let me know if this third prayer is too much for the scene. We already have Romano's prayer about himself and Connor's prayer for Alessandro. It's kind of a cool prayer, which is why I'm thinking of including it.
As Romano turned the final corner, a shadowy figure surrounded by swirling fog came out of his office and hastened for the exit.”
“You there. Stop!” Romano ran down the hallway to catch the intruder, but whoever it was had disappeared. The only thing that remained was fog and ice-cold air, both of which dissipated slowly. Romano’s heart pounded.He kneeled and crossed himself. “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil; May God rebuke him, I humbly pray; And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander through the world for the ruin of souls. Amen.”
Romano rose and entered his office to see what the intruder might have been after. Everything looked as he had left it except that the perpetual adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to be in the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He wouldn’t mention the fog and cold air, but one or more of the boys might be at risk.
too much, based on where I sense this is headed, but I need about seven to ten more chapters to give you an accurate answer
I took out the above prayer from scene one and made it a prayer spoken by Connor in scene three, when the fog first tries to approach him from under an exterior door in the chapel. In scene one, Romano uses Psalm 140, but without a direct quote since it's too long:
Romano kneeled, crossed himself, and prayed using King David’s Psalm 140, seeking protection for the orphanage from evil.
Kdot, thanks for your suggestions.
When can we expect the next chapter to drop? I’ve been itching to read more!
Unfortunately, life intrudes. My mother is in the hospital and needs to go in a care home, so I'm scrambling to find something suitable before they dump her in the first available one. Calgary is a sprawling city, so it could take up to an hour each way if they put her too far away. Also, my car got hit, so I have to deal with that too.
I'm still tweaking the first three scenes since I don't have enough free time to focus on new stuff. Back to semi-normal in a few weeks.
Thanks for hanging in there.
Dirk
I have a question about how to handle characters in my book crossing themselves. Until now (three scenes), if a character was going to pray, I was always explicit that they crossed themselves. However, I think that's going to get tedious over the course of the books. I'm considering slowly shifting away from saying it and just leaving it implicit that it's part of praying. I think the best way to handle it is to base it on whether I'm writing a detailed prayer scene vs. a simple summary that someone prayed. In the former case, I would be explicit that they crossed themselves, then have them voice (or think) the actual words of the prayer. In the latter, I treat it as a given that it's part of praying, without bothering with the details.
I plan something similar with kneeling. If a character kneels to pray, I'll always state it, since kneeling is a more profound form of reverence. If they don't kneel, I won't mention it, unless it were relevant to the scene.
Thoughts?
Dirk
This probably won't help at all, but I rarely mention there is a "bolting position". I typically do it if there is some dramatic moment. Or if I need to slow down a scene: "Bob slowly raised his hands to bolting position, crackling energy shooting from hand to hand". Similarly, after a funeral, I had two characters standing a late-night vigil, I went out of my way to mention one of them sat.
Thanks. I'll try my approach and see if it works. It may be a while before the next prayer, though, which is probably a good thing.
Following are the changes to the two scenes so far related to increasing the threat to the MCs, as suggested by Kdot.
Scene 1.1:
As Romano turned the final corner, a shadowy figure shrouded by swirling fog came out of his office and hastened for the exit.”
“You there. Stop!” Romano ran down the hallway to catch the intruder, but whoever it was, had disappeared. The only thing that remained was fog and ice-cold air, both of which dissipated quickly. Romano’s heart pounded. He knelt and prayed for protection of the orphanage.
Romano rose and entered his office to see what the intruder might have taken. Everything looked as he had left it except that the Perpetual Adoration schedule was missing — the one that showed which boys were assigned to the chapel and at what times. Romano dialed 113 for the Polizia di Stato. He wouldn’t mention the fog and cold air, but one or more of the boys might be at risk.
Scene 2.1:
Connor sat alone at the front of the chapel, staring at the monstrance. On one side of the room hung a locked exterior-facing door. Fog crept in under the door and moved in Connor’s direction.
Romano cried, “Connor, behind you! Run!”
Connor jumped up, wide-eyed, and saw the fog. He hesitated for a moment, then set his jaw and glared at it. He knelt, crossed himself, and prayed. “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.”
The fog retreated back under the door. Connor rose.
Will just read 2.1 today and felt there wasn't enough setup for the threat. I don't think he saw the added material above in scene 1.1 since I didn't republish. I just inserted the new material into the already published chapters.
I should add that I forgot to include the initial threat of scene 1.1 in the discussion between Romano and Cardinal Gallo, the Secretary of State in scene 2.1. I'll fix that.
Anyone have any thoughts about whether the above material works in the chapters you've read?
Thanks
Dirk
Yeah that clears it up, its much better with that additional piece in 1.1. I would still say there is room to build atmosphere an tension, maybe not having full on panic in 2.1 by Romano. I think the fog creature could still benefit from additional 'creepy' encounters before you dive into straight up dangerous. But if you keep it as it is, there really isn't anything wrong with it. Do what you think is best, I look forward to another chapter.
Thanks, Will. I'll see if I can figure out where else to use the fog before its encounter with Connor (and the prayer to St. Michael). I added the figure/fog after Kdot pointed out that in three scenes there was yet to be any danger to the MCs. I plan to include a discussion with Cardinal Gallo about the scene 1.1 in scene 2.1. Not sure how many more times I can use fog (for now) before the attacks against Connor turn physical.
The issue is minute. I bet most of your reviewers haven't even spotted it. Connor starts in pretty much the most safe place on the planet barring the Oval Office. So there's more onus on the story to make a threat entertainable
Maybe dragging out that action sequence might help. When I read scene 2.1 without the knowledge of 1.1, it was like walking through paris when you see someone butt-naked and covered in jelly run up and slap you in the face, then throw a smoke bomb and disappear. It was interesting to be sure, but it felt like it came out of nowhere and got away just as fast before my brain could process the whole thing. If you made the 2.1 struggle a little longer, maybe a little bit of danger towards connor that isn't immediately destroyed once he prays, the scene would feel more complete.
Thank you, both. Retrofitting that stuff into the existing scenes on the fly may not have been the best approach, since I forgot so much stuff. After the initial burglary, there should be a comment in scene 2.1 about the police sitting outside in a patrol car (the cardinal can comment about that, so I don't have to show it). Also, Romano and Cardinal Gallo should discuss the initial event. And once it occurs a second time, they shouldn't just sit in the chapel for a friendly chat. I'm already working on intensifying the "battle" between the fog and Connor in the chapel to up the ante. All of the above will keep me busy for at least a week given how little time I have right now for writing.
I am thinking about the next scene, though. I have some idea of what I want next in the hunt for the Antichrist, but I need to be sure I'm not moving too fast through that part of the story since it needs to go in lockstep with Connor, where I have at least four scenes left before the end of act 1. I may have to kill another clergyman in act 1 to get enough material for Campagna and De Rosa to chase down. I have the outline for Connor well-defined, but not the detective's hunt, which is slowing me down. There's only so many clergyman I can kill before the book becomes unfit for its target audience. I've already decided there have been more deaths than the three I wrote about, but they happened before the start of the book, so it's less gruesome. They took place around the world and the Church is trying to suppress the evidence to avoid scaring the world about what may be the Apocalypse, so I may send the detectives on a trip of their own in acts 2 and 3 that parallels Connor's tour of the Holy Land. TBD.
This is better.
Romano cried, “Connor, behind you! Run!”
Connor jumped up, wide-eyed. The fog began to swirl around him. He tried to shake it off but couldn’t. The fog grew ever thicker. “I can’t breathe!”
Romano ran toward him but was thrown back like a puppet, causing him to crash into the wall and collapse.
Connor stopped trying to physically fend off the fog. Instead, he knelt, crossed himself, and prayed between gasps for air. “Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray.”
Romano rose and grabbed the monstrance. Holding it in front of himself, he forced his way through the fog and gave the vessel to Connor, then knelt by his side as he and Gallo joined him in the familiar prayer. “And do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.”
The fog whipped around the room several times, as if in a rage, and caused a loud roar. It then flew under the door, leaving the chapel ice-cold.
Romano and Connor both sighed and rose. Connor placed the monstrance back on the altar.
I like it, that is definitely a good choice.
Great job of including the prayer. It flowed and wasn’t stilted.
Thanks, Amy. I'm still trying (and failing) to include a third prayer at the end of scene one. :-)
Hmm. One of the publishers of a Bible I'm thinking of using for all quotes says I can use up to five hundred verses but must quote the verses exactly as they appear in their Bible. More quotes may require a royalty. Also, quoting them exactly limits my ability borrow material for use in new prayers such as the one Connor spoke during Alessandro's seizure. I need to check with the folks who publish the most common U.S. Bible, the NABRE. Maybe they'll have better terms.
Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → Satan's Last Stand (the Connor series) - Dirk B.
