The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B. (Page 16 of 57)

Royalties are fine, but the requirement to leave quotes exactly as in their Bible, that may be a problem. I'll have to email them a few examples.

Campagna sat back in her chair and rifled through crime scene reports. She had stopped counting after processing her twelfth box on day three. De Rosa sat at a facing desk, reviewing security footage. He would celebrate completed videos by crumpling a sheet of paper into a ball and attempting a free throw into the trash by the door. He had yet to make a single shot.

She mulled over the case in her head. The fact that the Church had allowed the other victims to be exhumed for autopsies suggested deep unease.

Just standard procedure, she had told the neighbors during interviews to keep the press in the dark. A few reporters were sniffing around nonetheless, asking leading questions.

The crime scene had yielded neither prints nor usable DNA. A murderer had entered Vitale’s apartment, perhaps murderers, given the strength required to pull the cardinal up and tie the rope.

Support workers, including maintenance staff, maids, doormen, and concierges all claimed to have seen nothing unusual. The lodgings of the victims had no staff in common to pin a motive to.

The only connection so far was three dead clerics in one week.

194 words, down from 438. But I like your idea of dialogue

I like both of your versions. They're actually in the basement of the precinct building, ordered there by the "higher ups" to keep reporters and fellow detectives at bay. I like the idea of a reporter dogging the detectives at every turn, though. He could have his own secrets related to the case, maybe even sent there by the Antichrist.

Thanks
Dirk

Here's the first thing that popped into my mind...

--- begin scene ---

Male half (D) of detective pair gets a call from his wife (W). She's drunk. She's at a party. Female half (C) overhears his side of the convo

(D) (On phone) Come on hun. You know how you get like this. Get a taxi. Right now, before you lost your sense of-- (listens) I know I-- (listens) wtf, have you heard nothing I've said? (stares at phone blankly as if hung up on)
(C): Discreet silence, pretends interest in paperwork)
(D) (Hangs up) Sighs heavily
(C) (Grabs coat) Come on. I'll drive
(D) We shouldn't. The case--
(C) --is five days old. It's not going anywhere. If your wife drives tonight, we both know what could happen

--scene break to car --
[Cue drizzle, because rain is kinda passé. Dim lights. Uncaring street. Occasional overhead light. Wiper noise at regular intervals]
(D) (watching wipers) Back and forth. Justice and crime. Think we'll ever win?
(C) I try not to ask myself such questions...
(blah blah we can slip in a discussion about the not-so-interesting case while the greater tension of the meeting with the drunk wife propels the reader -- think of Tia who carries her acceptance/rejection letter around for 3 chapters until the reader is about ready to burn the book/tablet unless she opens it)

--end scene outside ritzy club. Feel free to add suspicious bouncer type That (C) or (D) recognizes from among the house staff, but runs away when called out. After some hijinks they corner him and he dies randomly by getting run over (Taken, Movie) or flower pot to the head from 3rd floor--

Why hasn't he married?

Kdot, I'm going to get a ton of mileage out of the fog/shadowy figure I added. They will show up frequently throughout the book.

Thanks for your suggestion.

I'm considering adding an annoying reporter to dog the detectives throughout the hunt, also per your suggestion.

I finally figured out a way of killing clerics that doesn't involve any gratuitous violence. It means blowing up my scenes 1.2 and 2.2, including the staged hanging, but I think it's worth it. Too bad since I just finished writing 2.2. I'll try to sneak in a rewrite of 1.2 before the end of April (tax season). The thriller aspect will come not from different kinds of deaths, but from the detectives racing to find a link between the deaths that will help them identify the next potential victim and, eventually, the Antichrist. This will be much easier to plan and write, reducing the size of my headache. It will also use more elements of Catholicism, which is a big plus.

Yay!
Dirk

re exclamation marks, I've come to the realization that some writer's works are more sedate than others, and their characters frequently never have to yell. For example, some stories will never have two characters across the engine room of a sinking, burning ship, yelling instructions to each other. It's hard to get through a page of that and not have 4-5 exclamation marks

To see how incorrect it is, simply trade the clauses for simpler verbs:

Thanks. It's interesting. In fiction, the following is okay, yet yours is considered incorrect.

Neither one would have made it past my fifth grade English teacher.

Finally started my names bible. I've only written four scenes and already I have sixteen characters (including the first three victims) and fifty named people/places/things. Readers are going to have serious problems keeping all of the cardinals and bishops straight since most of them are just victims, and Italian names are more complex than English ones.