The Gathering Darkness (the Connor series) - Dirk B. (Page 18 of 57)

Is this the group that has you questioning the deaths / market?

Kdot, what's your opinion of my supernatural entity being able to change shape at will between demonic fog, the dark figure with glowing red eyes, human, and one other yet to be revealed? Basically he's a shape shifter and can take on whatever form he wishes. I plan to limit it to about four different forms, one of which doesn't appear until the end of the book.

Thoughts?

I think I've finally got it. All the deaths are suicide by various means caused by sheer terror at the prospect of going to hell. They came to believe that Satan was coming for their souls and that suicide would save them from that. Everything from poisoning, hanging, jumping off a bridge, etc. A little gruesome, but there will only be a total of six deaths. Maybe the first one simply kneeling in prayer, who died from actual terror without having to commit suicide. The centuries-old secret conspiracy then is a bunch of unexplained suicides of senior clerics, which of course is a ticket to hell unless you have a good excuse (e.g., fear of suffering). I like the circular reasoning of this.

I can die happily now. I think I'll go bury myself.
Dirk

Plans within plans.

The tricky part to work out next is the sleuthing/hunting/chasing to be done to fill half a book. Each death is a scene. The historical conspiracy in the Church archives will fill several scenes. A bunch of false leads will add some more. Security footage is good for at least a scene. There will of course be the obligatory car and foot chases. Reporting to the higher ups will be a scene. The ending will run five or more scenes (that overlap with Connor). I may add the special ops team back in for added tension and action. Add a stake out.

Also, there'll be an early scene where Angelo first introduces Inspector Campagna to Connor at the orphanage before the kid leaves for the Holy Land with Romano. Connor looks suspiciously like what Campagna's stolen baby might look like at age fourteen. Of course, according to chapter one, Connor was almost killed in a car accident that took his parents' lives, so could he really be her son?

Thanks, Bobbie. As Yoda would say, "Meditate on this I will."

Bobbie, here are some variants of that problem sentence:
Original: "The man, some form of demon, chuckled."
Option 2: "The man -- some form of demon -- chuckled."
Option 3: "The man -- a demon? -- chuckled."

EDIT: I went with option 4: "The man -- surely a demon -- chuckled."

If you see new forum posts in your groups list, instead of clicking on the post, click on New Forum Posts. That takes you to a page that gives everything in the forum. From there you can click on the words 'new posts' next to a particular thread. I think that works. It's still a few too many clicks, but you saw what happens when someone makes suggestions for improvements. Vern is particular annoying because he likes to shoot down any changes to the site.

Kdot, I'll respond to your review later today, but I wanted to highlight one item in particular, which is the danger from the "demon". The scene with Vitale evolved from your suggestion for some sort of threat early in the book + your other suggestion for making the reader care about the victims before I kill them off. The scene is also the natural place to put it, since the sleuthing begins in the next scene. Obviously, I'm introducing the demon right at the start, but I don't know how else to introduce the victim before his death and makes the reader care about him before the investigating begins.

If it was a cheap horror flick, the camera would slowly approach Vitale from behind with ominous music and then kill him before anyone really cares about him. Theoretically, I could invent some other opening for Vitale besides sitting in the church (e.g. perhaps a ride to the church plus a conversation with his driver before he enters the church and is killed by some unknown entity that the reader doesn't see).

I reread the scene from the perspective of whether I should write it horror-flick style but I think the fact that the demon is shrouded in shadows keeps the key element a secret (the true identity of the killer), while building a up a good deal of tension. He's not really a demon, by the way, but that's not important yet.

Thoughts?

I made some changes based on your feedback, but not enough to republish. Thanks for your help.

Just watched The Last Jedi for the second time. Once you ignore the fact that they threw out the rule book about how much power Jedi can have (e.g., Luke projecting himself to another part of the galaxy, Rey not needing to be trained, etc.), it's tolerable, albeit with some major weaknesses (e.g., no character arc for Snoke, Admiral Holdo waiting far too long before ramming Snoke's ship, etc.). No worse than The Force Awakens. I'll probably see the last one in a theater since it's the end of the saga. I'm looking forward to seeing how they handle Rey vs. Kylo Ren. The Legacy books had Jacen Solo fall to the Dark Side, and they killed him off. It would have been much more difficult and interesting if they had tried to redeem him. I stopped reading Star Wars books after that. I hope my stories turn out better.