1 Topic by Tom Oldman (edited by Tom Oldman 2017-04-08 00:48:23)

Topic: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

I get it. I finally get it.
I spent most of today finding out I violated almost every principle of writing in the first person.

Minuses:
I have too many "I"s.
I tell thoughts instead of showing them.
I keep sticking narrative into places where dialogue should appear - at the expense of story flow.
My story is linear, but expansive and that is hard to do in first person, especially if you cave a cast of thousands.
There are too many times I made assumptions os to the state of mind in the people around the MC.
So on and so forth...

Pluses:
I can now delve more into what Hiroko is doing when she isn't near Biru.
Events removed from the MCs can be described more fully
More dialogue will be generated
It will flow much better (I hope)

The rejection I received was my wakeup call. Now I'm going to dissect my story and rewrite it in third person. When I have the first chapter the way it should be, I'm going to post it as a short story and see if it makes a difference. It will be a daunting task to change the complete novel, but it's the right thing to do. So far, I've spent two years writing it, why not spend another six months and write it properly?

Bill

Quote Post 1

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Will be here waiting to read and review. Good luck!

Quote Post 2

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Thanks, Randy. The third article I read was entitled "Common mistakes when writing in first person". I violated every one of them. As Lou Costello would say: "I'm a baaaaaad boy."

Bill

Quote Post 3

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Well, baaaaaad boy, you'll sort things out.:)

Quote Post 4

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

I would never attempt a first person except for short autobiographical pieces. I love 3rd person past tense omniscient. I like being "god" when I write.

Quote Post 5

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

You began with a wonderful concept. Work carefully, Tom.  JP

Quote Post 6

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

I've read plenty of successful books in first person. I'd think long and hard before doing a rewrite, especially based on one rejection and one article. How do you know POV is the problem? I'd ask some reviewers first before jumping to any decision.

Quote Post 7

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Amen, cobber!

Quote Post 8

9 Reply by Tom Oldman (edited by Tom Oldman 2017-04-08 14:36:02)

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

cobber wrote:

I've read plenty of successful books in first person. I'd think long and hard before doing a rewrite, especially based on one rejection and one article. How do you know POV is the problem? I'd ask some reviewers first before jumping to any decision.

Actually, that's what I'm doing right now. At the moment, my plans are to revise the first chapter only and present it as a "short story" to see what reviewers say. I do agree that rewriting based on one publishers rejection is not a good idea, but it DID make me do a great deal more research into how to and how not to write in first person. I am proceeding slowly because I am not sure what I'm doing. I'll work it out. Time is not of the essence here, even given my age. I'm retired so I can work on it all day if I want.

I have another novel I'm shining up that basically has only two characters in it. It is done in first person because that's a better fit.

EDIT: I am not getting any email notifications for this thread although I've subscribed to it.

Bill

Quote Post 9

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Bill, I personally love first person writing and do a good bit of it myself.  There are some rules to follow, but to change from first to third is a daunting task and in the end doesn't always get the results you hope for.  I changed my entire novel, Dance in the Rain, from 1st to 3rd for a particular publisher and still got a rejection after all that hard work.  That novel was 3 years in the making.  So if I were you, I would not be hasty to make sweeping changes in anything except the publisher!  Whatever you do, though, will be a winner. 

MJ

Quote Post 10

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

I am taking a 'wait and see' attitude, Marilyn. I'm not as eager to perform surgery now as I was before. I set the novel aside and worked on others during the two months of waiting and I think this did the most good for me. I was too close to get a big picture and missed most of the clues to errors in first person writing. I'm not confused, I'm just not ready to make up my mind I guess. Let me report back after converting the first chapter. The effort involved in that might tip the scales back to first person. I would rather do some heavy editing than a complete rewrite, but I will do whatever it takes. I want this one out there.

Bill

Quote Post 11

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

cobber wrote:

I've read plenty of successful books in first person. I'd think long and hard before doing a rewrite, especially based on one rejection and one article. How do you know POV is the problem? I'd ask some reviewers first before jumping to any decision.

Totally agree...I'd say if anything the showing and telling thing is prob more of a problem. I know that is a huge problem for me and something I'm always looking for in my revisions....

Quote Post 12

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Telling instead of showing is my major hangup. I need to find all those spots and convert.

Bill

Quote Post 13

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Bill, did Moonshine Cove say something about it being in first person?  Just curious!  Or, because of their rejection, you've come to that conclusion?

Quote Post 14

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

No, MJ. MCP didn't say anything at all except "nope". When I got that, I began even more exhaustive research into the mechanics of writing (in all POVs). Under first person, there was several sites that had "do this" and "don't' do this" bullets. I violated quite a few of them right off the bat. I could see that and there was no doubt (in my mind) they could see it also. My fault. I rushed it too much. I'll get it together as soon as I can and do some more submittals. A couple look promising at the moment.

Bill

Quote Post 15

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

You Only Review Thrice. Hopefully, I can make it back. Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia, just my luck.

Quote Post 16

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

max keanu wrote:

You Only Review Thrice. Hopefully, I can make it back. Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia, just my luck.

Oh, Steve, I'm so sorry to hear this. Definitely not something you need right now.

Bill

Quote Post 17

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

Tom,

Here is what I envision for your first chapter. It is just on my wish list, so take what you want and discard the rest.

First chapter needs to present the problem, so I'll include that. Biru is lonely. He's successful in business but remains an outsider, (gaijin).

Ex: He is walking out of the high-rise in Tokyo, joining the mass of humanity walking along the street. Even here, he is noticed by his height and European features. Then let it start to rain, and the umbrella makes him invisible, part of the flow of the river that heads toward his home and relaxing. Maybe it is dark already, but have him go to one of the million of tiny nooks hidden in Tokyo where the street noises disappear and a stream is the only sound. Suddenly, he is one with nature, alone except for the rain, studying the line of a tree heavy with fruit. He pulls out his sketchpad and draws it (not the first time) agin, loving the line of the tree (maybe it reminds him of a woman, or the bent back of the the okaasan that he sees daily.) Either way, this image can relate somehow to his beloved once he meets her. It would also be on the walls of his room when he shows her his art.

Drawing the tree again, he isn't an outsider. He's in Tokyo doing what he loves. Now he just needs to find someone to share it with.

You have the ability to be florid, both in the description of the Tokyo street and in the sanctuary of the natural park, shrine, or hidden spot under a bridge.

Just on my wish list. You get to keep the first chapter first-person concept and ease into the conversation. Consider giving it a try. Let me know about your first chapter rewrite when it comes out.

A

Quote Post 18

Re: To: All who reviewed 'You Only Love Twice'

That is exceptional advice, Amy. I might have to look hard for that little hideaway as it is only three blocks from his office building to the train station. he does go through a park, though. Maybe I can finagle that a little as there is a little pond next to the steam train exhibit. A small, covered alcove would work. My creative senses are tingling here....

Bill

Quote Post 19