The Sorcerer's Progress (Page 29 of 62)

Well, they seem okay.  I was afraid for a moment that the libretto to Wozzek had gotten switched in ...

Regarding 'Caneth'--I've gone for two-syllable names because I did not want to suggest that they came from large families.  That creates backstory issues.  But I can do it for one of them, using some variant on Carruthers, maybe Carrothin.

More thinking needed.

Oh, and by the way njc, I got 0.16 points for the review I just did! whoo-hoo!

Fear not the repeater, I say!

How many of our precious rules do those verses break?  And yet they are greater than anything that most of us here are likely to write--or at least, they are part of that greater work.

Am I entitled to use the tools of a master?  There's only one way to find out.

What kind of flow are you writing of?  Rythm and cadence?  Linear action?  Remember, this is scene-setting, not action.  It's a prelude to action.

Just the 'I had to stop and re-read this bit to make sense of it or to see if there is any good reason for doing this' kind of flow. I've never seen or heard say it like this:

After dinner, after Harsel and Gelsa were put to bed, Glaselle sat down to explore her new Atlas.

It doesn't read 'smoothly' or feel complete or deliberate or that there is any good reason really to do that (to this reader at least).

Now, this is your writing and voice. But if it was my writing, I would've put it this way:

After dinner and putting Harsel and Gelsa to bed, Glaselle sat down to explore her new Atlas.

And I've removed some passive voice too ...

But it still is only a suggestion/a note.

There is a lyrical aspect to your writing. I see what you are doing, but I agree with Janet. It reads awkwardly. The double 'after' is what throws me. The way I read this is as if the neutral narrator is speaking and there is a pause between the two 'after' references.

Either, "After dinner and bedtime for the children, Glasselle sat down to explore her new Atlas."

Or, "After dinner and the children were put to bed, Glasselle sat down to explore her new Atlas."

Ex: It is assumed that the children would eat dinner. It is assumed that they didn't eat in bed, so the dinner would be before bedtime. Therefore, you could thin and eliminate the 'After dinner' reference. ..."After Harsel and Gelsa were in bed, Glaselle sat down to explore her new Atlas."

Here is my best answer to your question. The lyrical sing-song nature of sentences like you used reminds me of a dialect. Ex, Middle English. However it is only in random occurrences, so I never get used to the meter. You target certain areas with this dialect/irregular speech pattern. But I don't fall into the pattern without effort.

So your text reads (to me) like Shakespeare done in a rap format. You have a staccato pace to your writing that reads like a drum beat.

I also recognize that this is intentional. As your friend and reviewer, I'm trying to learn from this...trying to figure out what you want to accomplish. So I can help you reach your goals. However, I often fall short. You and I write on very different planes of existence.

That said, I agree with K's assessment 100%. Don't tell him I said that. He is going to gloat. I hate that.

I suppose I'm opening the scene a little like an oral storyteller would.  Just a little like that.  For a certain definition of 'little'--I often ask for extra spicy stuff in my food.

Not parallel planes, I must garner!

I was once told by my manager that my broad vocabulary was a problem for our ESL people.  I asked if he was accusing me of erudition.  He said, after a pause, that he was.

Just to clarify - my problem isn't so much the repetition of the word, but more your choice of word to repeat and the place where you're repeating it.

I know I've asked you plenty of times if you have deliberately chosen to repeat words - and you confirmed that you did it on purpose. Those times I went okay with me, because it 'worked' and had purpose in my opinion. This time, I'm not so sure there is purpose behind the repetition. So basically, I'm left wondering why the need to repeat it and why not simply using what Amy said: 

"After dinner and the children were put to bed, Glasselle sat down to explore her new Atlas."

Your version is giving a lot of importance to two events (it takes the focus away from Glasselle IMO which I thought was the focal point of the chapter as I've read/understood it). There's no apparent reason forthcoming in the chapter that I read why this is important to note that she only explored her atlas after dinner AND after H&G were put to bed. If it is important enough that you want your reader to pause/stop and ponder the purpose of this sentence/the repetition, I think it's important enough then to give them that reason in the same chapter. As it is, you leave me hanging and wondering (and not in a good way).

But this is me and what I'm reading and thinking as some readers would. And if that's okay with you, it's okay with me!

Another thing: Harsel and Gelsa draws a very strong parallel to Hansel and Gretel - just so that you know someone has picked up on it!

Glaselle waits until all the stuff is done because she's a dutiful daughter and big sister, and does her chores and watches the kids, and only when that's done does she sit down with her own stuff.  I thought I'd painted the family pretty well.