What occurred since the day we first met; I recall a sunny day as we happened to cut across the same lawn?
I traveled all this way to see you and now you cannot find time for me. I believed that you were serious that day when you said that you wanted to help me. I thought we both had been fortunately surprised when we bumped into each other, it seemed like fate had somehow been involved.
Before that day, we were just two strangers walking across a lawn when our paths crossed. I wasn't myself that day, I was feeling frustrated and alone then I overheard you sobbing and talking to yourself saying, "I'm going to be late!"
I had no idea what you were going to be late for, but still I felt compelled to tell you that you were not alone, that I too was in despair. I hoped it might comfort you. You seemed so grateful at the time as we walked together, we got into a conversation and became friendly. You even offered to help me with my book. That made me feel good, I felt I had found an ally, a friend just when I needed one.
I told you how last year I had lost my younger brother and only months later my stepfather. It was my attempted to inform and comfort you and it seemed to help.
Now you brush me aside as if I am a bother, and in your way. It seems I did help you; you appear completely in command of yourself once again. Well no charge my friend, but if you find yourself crossing a lawn again I am not going to be there for you. I wish you well but don't forget, despair is always out there.
© Copyright 2025 PJ-MACK. All rights reserved.
Regular reviews are a general comments about the work read. Provide comments on plot, character development, description, etc.
In-line reviews allow you to provide in-context comments to what you have read. You can comment on grammar, word usage, plot, characters, etc.
Hey, PJ. It's been a long time since I've read your work. In this story, you seem to be talking about how people so often fail to fulfill their word and how that often comes back to bite. Yet, I wonder if you might've been referring to disharmony within oneself. I can be thick as the proverbial brick, lol. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this even if I'm not 100% sure I "got" it. And if I didn't get it, that's me--not you. You "wordsmithed" this very well, imo.
Peace,
Mike
Author
Reply
Mike, it's good to hear from you again and thank you so much for your review.
The story is, basically, about keeping one's word. I know it sounds on the edge, but that's my best description, at least before my next rewrite. Disharmony or dependence, I think those travel pretty much the same track in life. It's more about when a person commits to another and then finds themselves betrayed. That form of pain is difficult to put into words because all relationships are so very unique.
The idea for this story was sparked from a dream I had, and as Ray Bradbury said, "I had to jump out of bed and try and trap it on my notepad before it got away. The rest of the story is still in my head somewhere waiting for me to find it.
Peace to you as well my friend,
PJ.
I read the entire story and found it very interesting.
I liked the way in which the story is written and particularly it's end.
The only thing that I feel needs to be changed is the title of the story which is "WHY". Why represents a question mark and if the story is not a suspense, a thriller, an intrigue then there is no need to give the title why. Again the title can be based upon how human relations work, bond between two people and based upon that the title of the story can be given.
From all that I have read and read again, there is one thing that comes to my mind again and again. After changing the title of the story, a poem can be written on the same story, under the same premise.
I read the last part of the story and the sentence construction and words which are written in a hasty manner (this is what is seems) gave me the opportunity to suggest that the story is good, but if a poem is written keeping in mind how human relations work then it will be great.
Again the poem can have an introduction stating that this poem is based on my short story.
So there are two things that can be done to make everything more interesting. One is to change the title of this short story and the next is to write a poem based on this short story.
A very well written short story, which has got a beautiful meaning.
Author
Reply
Aniket,
Thank you for your interesting review, suggestions, opinions and advice on this story. "Why" is the title I chose because, in my opinion it represent the protagonist search for the cause of defection from an assumed friendship. My attempts at poetry have been unsatisfying to me. I consider myself more of a hobbyist than a writer. I am grateful you have taken the time to review my work and even more so that you enjoyed it. I will keep playing with this until I perfect it and thank you very much for giving me your thoughts.
PJ
No
mikejackson1127