Stephen, I really like your story. You have an almost poetic writing style.
As others have suggested, earn some points and post it and you'll probably get a lot of useful feedback. There are some terrific reviewers on the site. If you don't get enough feedback after you post, feel free to join some of the genre-specific groups and drop a thread there introducing yourself and asking for reviewers. However, you'll probably pick up most of your reviewers by reading their stuff first, and they then reciprocate. In addition to the feedback they give, you can also learn a lot about writing from reading their stuff. Since writing time is precious, I whittled my list down to about eight great reviewers, and I learn as much by reading their work as I do from them reading mine.
Also, read the reviews left by others for stories that you yourself also review. It will make you a better reviewer and give you great writing tips about any weaknesses that may apply to your own stories. Reading the reviews left by others may also help you identify which authors on the site make a real effort and leave the best reviews. You can then read their stuff and, hopefully, pick up excellent reviewers that way too.
Welcome to the site.