Thanks Dirk,
Very good comments. I like it. I might put it as:
"God said, "Well, if it isn't Satan, the prince of darkness."
Very minor change.
It's great that you have three different names in a couple lines.
And yes, I'm keeping track. So far, it's Satan 1, Lucifer 1. I friend outside this site suggested Lucifer.
Hmm. Good point on the literal vs. figurative language. I'm not a pro at end times stuff.
And good point on the Muslim concerns if you don't want to lose readers.
How about this? A missile comes in and the Israeli Iron Dome system hits it. The wounded missile veers off course and crashes into the Dome of the Rock and annihilates it. This paves the way for Israel to rebuild their temple on the original site. The AC then will go into the temple as predicted by 2 Thess. 2:4. This interpretation, of course, is arguable but it sounds cool.
...New Bethlehem’s founding in 2987 CE by members of the Libertarian Church, established on the Bezos Islands, formerly known as Hawaii, in Earth’s Pacific Ocean in 2312
online
I like that. Would it be possible to say that Bezos bought Hawaii in 2255 or something like that? Just a thought.
Is it possible that the events in the Holy Land will impact your tours, activities, and spiritual battles (think zombie nuns)? You'll probably have to wait till the war settles down... however long that takes.
It might be interesting to add an incoming missile to the story.
Do you foresee needing any other gods from outside the Cheyenne culture and demons/angels from the Bible? Is there no way to write the scene without pulling in gods from other mythologies? One of the reasons I commented the way I did near the end of the previous draft, is that it seemed like you were throwing everything into the story but the kitchen sink, which left virtually no time to flesh them out. Do you need to introduce a god specifically for wine? Does that god do/contribute anything else to the story? Will that god be a main character like Romano, a supporting character like Nnamani, or just someone who hangs around the saloon for a scene or two then disappears? Does he contribute significantly to the plot? At one point in Connor, I introduced a suspected infiltrator (a bishop) in one scene only to have him thrown out of the Vatican a few paragraphs later. Needless to say, I need to find a way to fix that. It adds virtually nothing to introduce and then immedialy toss a character, especially one who is supposedly evil.
Just some random musings without having even read the new chapter.
Who is the target audience by the way?
I should have some time to review your latest chapter sometime this month. I have to be careful how often I say that, though, as I'm under the gun to finish my estate documents, which has turned into a real bear.
Hey Dirk,
My audience will probably be heavily Catholic and Protestant. I agree, the spirit/demon probably has to be more significant than just a saloon spook. I think I will have enough Indians and townsfolk to keep a fairly high character name count. Demon names might overly complicate things. However, I will have to mix things a little between tribal and biblical spirits. We shall see.
I was thinking about pulling in the Lakota as well BUT I can accomplish what I want with keeping it all a single tribe.
Good comments. Thanks.
Hey everyone. I've started a radical rewrite of the Tribe, the Town, and the Spirits. Yes, I've changed the title.
1. I want to limit the chapter word count to about 1500 words. This makes for easier reading on the train or in bed before sleeping.
2. I will try to keep the character names per word count to about 2 names/600 words.
3. I want to simplify some items, such as where the demons come from. This one is still tough because I like that a Greek god like Bacchus was a wine god. It's a great god to have relatives to manage saloons. However, I discovered that the Maya had a god of alcoholic beverages (Aken). So, I almost have to mix deities outside of the Cheyenne culture to make some things work.
4. Some name changes are needed.
5. A stern eye must be kept on who might be reading this. Audience is significant.
My first need for help is whether or not God would refer to Satan as Satan or as Lucifer. I start Chapter 1 with Satan and God talking. I assume that almost everyone knows who Lucifer is. And it does sound more sophisticated to me than Satan. I'm really tempted to switch over to Lucifer for Chapter 1. BUT does that mean I should keep it as Lucifer the entire book? Or only when God talks to him.
Thanks for any help.
George FLC
Sorry to hear about the med issues. Take your time. I might owe you a reciprocation, so it'll give me time to work on that.
Despite all this - Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
George FLC
New naming contest:
I need a name for an island in the Pacific Ocean on which the Libertarian Church is founded in the 24th century, which was originally a tax dodge for the obscenely wealthy (followers of the Greedy Gospel). So far, I've considered Billionaire's Island, Koru Island (named after Jeff Bezos's yacht), and Lord High Admiral Bezos's Island, among others. So far I like the latter best.
Wow. Not Mar-a-Lago in the Caribbean? Just make sure you have a lake on it. Of course, there are probably copyright issues. But I'm conservative so maybe you shouldn't use it.
Hunter's Island? Sounds pretty good but Hunter Biden isn't that rich.
Something along the lines of LABI (Lord Admiral Bezo's Island)?
But go really big - something with Elon Musk as a patron saint. Tesla Atol or something. Tesland? Hmm...
I'd prefer Koru over your last one.
Historical Fiction? It would appear so. Please update your profile. It helps to figure out who we can connect with.
Thanks Sol.
There's an escort service trying to join the site. Is this a good posting to warn everyone, mostly Sol?
George FLC
What if there's no space station there either?
I just realized the Free Colonies has the same need to explain "What are they free of?" as the Free Stars, but I don't care. The Free Colonies it is, and the adjective will be Colonial: Colonial fleet, Colonial troops, etc., which is a cool word imo.
Dirk
If there is an Imperial Fleet or planet then the reader should be able to say - the Colonial Fleet must be the antithesis of anything Imperial. Also, I thought you would use Freedom troops, Freedom fleet, but Colonial is pretty cool, too.
I've tentatively whittled it down to:
The Confederacy - my only concern with this is that readers may be wondering how/if this relates to the US Civil War, which it doesn't
The Eternal Fellowship (of Stars?) - the mantra becomes "For the Fellowship!" - I still like this
The Free Stars - "Freedom!" - this probably requires a bit of explaining early on that it's freedom from the Imperium. It would have been founded shortly after colonization of the stars began, as people left/fled Earth.
The Free Colonies - "Freedom!" - like this a lot; requires no explaining
The Eternal Worlds - "For Eternity!"
My vote is for Free Colonies. This is more generic than Free Stars. What if you're in the middle of an asteroid belt or dust cluster sans star or planets? A space station is all there is and it mines the local region. The designation of colony covers them all.
Picture my last comment like this:
Elon Musk invents a rocket that can reach the nearest habitable planet. We happily scoot over there and meet a race of talking frogs. How do we introduce ourselves? Earth isn't a republic or much of anything.
Fast forward 100 years and Earth founds a central government and acquires a prefix. Would the Frogees bother changing all their records? Or would they just keep calling us Earthlings?
It would depend on if Earth conquered them and demanded a change in name. Or to be polite, on all legal documents they use the new name but, in the bars, and taverns they still use the old name.
My favorite is The Free Stars.
There's something awe inspiring about Freedom Troops coming to save me.
And - The Freedom Fleet is almost here! The Imperial Fleet better run now!
Or let's combine a couple...
United Confederacy (UCON). Or United Confederate Stars (UCS). Or perhaps - United Confederacy of Stars (UCOS).
Call them feds for short. I hear the feds are comin'. We better fly outa here.
Thanks, Dirk, I appreciate it.
The other issue I have is when you form sentences like "The Enduring soldiers are enduring a great deal of suffering." It doesn't feel right. You might have to avoid sentences like this.
In addition to getting rid of the word Republic and having my own term, it also eliminates any confusion arising from the fact that my current name (usually shortened to just Republic) is different from the adjective I use (Enduring).
Sorry Dirk, I don't understand this sentence. I'm back on pain meds again, so perhaps, I'm suffering from brain fog.
Hello,
I am new here. What is the best way to get reviews and navigate this site. I would like to make the most of my time here.
Thanks,
Thomas W. Case
Hey Thomas,
Welcome aboard. I've learned a great deal about writing on this site. I try to keep track of the tips given to me. Some suggestions:
1. Don't be offended if people make bruising comments. I've had items posted that were blown up. I've also blown up a chapter or two.
2. When someone makes inline comments make sure to comment on a few. I like to know if my comments are what you want. I've changed how I comment based on finding out that some authors aren't worried about every missed comma.
3. The minimum for inline comments 5. Try not to leave only 5 inline comments. I aim for 20 inline comments. Some writers are so good that I have to struggle to get to 20. So, if I give you 30 comments and you only give me 5 then I don't really want to review your work. I'm not that good of a wordsmith.
4. Keep your own backup copies. I lost most, if not all, of my best writing (most corrected) with the crash.
5. I really like brainstorming. So, encourage it by answering what people suggest and don't get brutal with it. Just say something like 'I don't think that'll work'. The best response if you don't really like something might be - I'll ponder that one.
6. I doubt you're another Updyke, Hemmingway, or CS Lewis so be patient and learn.
7. Gather a group of writers who reciprocate your writing. I had about 7 or 8 before the crash.
Welcome and have fun.
George FLC
Historical Fiction seems pretty dead, but I hate to delete it. Would it be possible to add it to the Fantasy/Magic/Sci-fi group? So, we need a huge fiction group that encompasses everything. Is that possible?
I'm in, even with one story.
Can we enter more than one story?
Life is tricky sometimes! Be blessed and come out stronger.
Hey Mike, I hope everything goes well for you. God bless.
George FLC
