1

(4 replies, posted in Fantasy World Builders)

Hi Alza and T.C Austin

I’ll stick with you if you stick with me. I desperately need my whole book reviewed by people who can stick. Alza read the whole of my book one, thank you Alza, so much. I plan on publishing book two much more quickly, so would LOVE reviews. I always repay reviews. Book two is called Slaves of the Firesnake and I’m looking for holes in the plot, grammar, ways of rewording to sound better etc etc.

I know everyone’s super busy, but I’ll put the effort in to reviewing so I can get good karma (hopefully). Love both of your books, love the Gaia machine controller thingy and love Alza’s different worlds and spaceports.

Look forward to reading your new posts. Please don’t forget about me. I need reviewers.

Rayner xx

2

(6 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Thank so much for your time Kdot.

Even though I initially felt gutted about having to get the points all over again, you're right, it is a good thing.

AEdre will take the blame for the lump of hash the police find and be sent to the exact place which Noomy Foster's daughter, Yasmin, ends up in. It is owned by Yamdar, who rules the Yiksaan mafia, and hence, the place YuFu (now Tyezol) lives.

So when it comes to the time, in book two when Aedre can travel and shapeshift (via quantum physics mixed with shamanism), the fist place she'll want to save sex slaves from will be Yamdar's Yiksaan brothel, and coincidentally saves YuFu/Tyezol and Yasmin (Noomy Foster's daughter).

That's why I'm going to send her there.
Here's a rough layout, sorry it's hard to understand.
I'm adding new chapters about Noomy Foster, Sharr Shuvuu (owl guardian), Yamdar, and YuFu/Tyezol

New Chapter Layout: Book 1

Chapter 1: Aedre 1
Chapter 2: YuFu 1
Chapter 3: Aedre 2
Chapter 4: YuFu 2
Chapter 5: Aedre 3 (add how she boasts about going to get an aura shield next week and about the chimney, too)
Chapter 6: Noomy 1
Chapter 7: Aedre 4 (new, prison, Yiksaan, free, mention Mosh say, “hey, at least you won’t miss your AirDome apt this weekend and can contact your Dad)
Chapter 8: Noomy 2
Chapter 9: Aedre 5 (was 4 airdome, add bit about slaves during her breakdown, too)
Chapter 10: Yamdar 1
Chapter 11: Sharr 1
Chapter 12: Aedre 6 (lets say this is about three months later and she’s feeling better and body getting trim, saving money, thinks about Sharr, too, was 5 Shilat and lose job. Have to add to it)
Chapter 13: Noomy 3 (talks to witch again, witch confused about red-headed faerie)
Chapter 14: Sharr 2 (clay people say she must remain Bubo queen because a saviour will free millions of slaves and if she’s not entwined, millions may also die)
Chapter 15: Aedre 7 (new, slave camp in Giok..wants to help other slaves but is suddenly treated well for being a guru)
Chapter 16: YuFu 3/Tyezol 1 (change last part, so instead of helping get diamonds, he has to see in a shipment of drugs)
Chapter 17: Aedre 8 enjoys being a guru, but cannot heal. Mosh tells her of Nabi’s death.
Chapter 18: Yamdar’s men do not succeed in getting the diamonds and the rich Sattchi priest buys the exoskeletons for a much cheaper price because of competition??
Chapter 19: Needs to tell Aedre to go to haunted river, but Aedre never comes
Chapter 20: Aedre goes mental

Thanks again, Kdot, for heads up on that, if that idiom makes sense.

3

(6 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Hi

I was wondering if anyone has any advice. My story, along with its character arcs and three major disasters: a quarter of the way through, half the way through, and three quarters of the way though, ends up being spread over four of five books, rather than the originally planned one book.

Therefore I need to move a few more POVs out of book one and give the main character, Aedre, two new disasters (and move her first one in at the end).

All of my main reviewers have read lots of the chapters already, so won't get any points to re-review the chapter with new content.

Should I just take my whole book down and start from the beginning again, having to get new points to post each chapter up?

Why do I think the answer is yes hmm

For those who have been following it. I'm going to take the New Biluvians and Noirplasts out and introduce them in book two instead. Aedre's going to end up going to prison for smoking pot, then being sold to a brothel, but luckily giving the Mafia boss, Yamdar, all of her savings to get her freedom back-that'll be the first disaster (skint)

The second disaster: After quitting her job, is too skint to fly back, so is sent to a slave labour camp in Giok. However, the Indites see her as a Goddess with her Unuion teaching skills, so she is treated well, which she doesn't like, because she was actually helping the slaves and now teaches tourists.

Third disaster: Mosh finds her and tells her that her x-boss, Bhaltair killed his wife, her friend, Nabi and is on the run and likely after her.

The only characters I'm going to have in book one are Aedre, Kdot's beloved YuFu, Noomy Foster, Yamdar, and Sharr Shuvuu. They are all linked.

...................

Therefore, the structure of book one is going to be really different and hopefully easier for the reader to follow.

4

(34 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Thank you, njc. I did some research on the grief of losing a mother yesterday, which had me balling. It really helped for adding a line here and there in Aedre's chapters and to understand her grief more. She is finally building more in my mind. I can't believe how much I disregarded her grief before. Anyway, I see you've read chapter one again. Thank you for that.

5

(34 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Thank you so much. I will look into these additions. The secrete language thing would be beautiful. Maybe she might hope she would feel closer to her dead mother by teaching her mother's language. Maybe I should show a couple of symbols from the Otherworld in Aedre's other early chapters. I'll describe the wooden pipe, too, maybe tie a feather to it and some turquoise beads.

6

(34 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I didn't realise people were still writing in this thread, hadn't looked at it for donkeys years. Not used to it because it doesn't give notifications. Just happened to look at it and saw a whole conversation going on about YuFu and Aedre. Thank you, though. Especially the big analysis from njc and highlighted bits from kdot for my recent edit of Yamdar's chapter...wow, that was really recent.
Is Aedre really boring or something? People, especially those of the opposite sex, seem to like YuFu's much more. There are far less of his chapters, oh oh! I guess njc is right, it's the action and suspense. Aedre's is all emotional and non immediate. Probably all of my other characters are. deary me.
Chapter 20 is when the magic and science combine and it becomes esoteric.....wonder how people are gonna feel about that....maybe too late but it's going to be a five book series, self published on Amazon....or that's my idea so far. Not all suspense has to be action though.

7

(34 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

I was so sad when Ned Stark had his head chopped off in the first book of A Game of Thrones, was so gutted.

YuFu wasn't going to die in my initial plan, because I really liked the family man and wanted to reunite him with his family. Then I thought it might be a good ending for book one. Maybe I will reunite him, as their will be other tragedies.

Hey njc, you haven't reviewed any of my chapters, have you? If you fancy it, that would be cool. I'd review you in return. Not sure how helpful my comments are. I review as a reader, not as an expert.

How come we can't put smilies on these posts?

8

(34 replies, posted in Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi)

Oh, Kdot, you like YuFu, don't you? Maybe I shouldn't kill him off at the end of the book, then... It's a shame it dries out after the first few chapters sad

My genre seems like Sci Fi, but is more Space Fantasy with magic. I had quite a few reviewers before, but seem to be getting less and less, the more chapters I post. Kdot recommended I join this group for that reason. I have learned so much from past reviewers, but still need help, big time!...probably don't need to explain, really. Have never published before, but looking seriously into Indie publishing, after talking to a Sci Fi writer who lives up the road and has self published about ten or so books.

Many reviewers complain I have too many POV characters (at least ten), but their storylines are already entwined via the snowflake method, and what I originally thought would turn in to one book, will become three. Because there are seven solar systems with eight inhabited planets, I need all of my POV characters and love them all dearly. Once I have written the first 30-40 chapters, I'll shuffle them around so some characters might not be introduced until book two. I might put each character's chapters more closely together, too.

I'm pretty happy with chapters 1-9, but 10-14 have hardly had any reviews.

I look forward to meeting and reviewing new people, fingers crossed.

Thanks,

Rayner

10

(15 replies, posted in NEWBIES)

Hi

I am a newbie too. I posted the first two of my Sci Fi chapters, got really bad reviews, but it helped me edit and hopefully improve them.

11

(0 replies, posted in TheNextBigWriter Premium)

Hi Everyone

I joined about a week ago and would like some reviews on my new version of chapter 1 and heavily edited chapter 2. I have tried to remove the 'fluff' and get straight to the point. My novel is called Plan8 Slaves.