J.R. Geiger wrote:Congratulations MJ!!
Don't let them around John!! LOL
No telling what trouble he'll get them into.
Oh JR, you nailed it! You read the story in the book where John and I tried to get away for a vacation and found an animal sitter for the farm, and how annoyed John was when the sitter kept calling every few hours. Well, when I made the questionable life choice of leaving John in charge of the farm, he made that previous sitter look like an amateur. He burned up the line between Georgia and Utah and kept me in stitches the whole time! I should’ve known better. I swear, it was like he was calling into a live radio show—hourly updates, dramatic sighs, and at least one emergency about Herschel the parrot “turning judgmental.”
By the time I got home, he and Herschel were apparently best friends, bonded through some mysterious man-bird adventure that I still haven’t gotten the full story on. The John Deere has a new dent (something about “racing Gerald the emu” and “bad traction”), and Mildred Huggins-Peebles, my arch-nemesis, had John and me divorced in print in the Possum Trot Gazette before I even landed back in Atlanta—apparently John’s refusal to tell her where I was qualified as “marital abandonment.”
Meanwhile, Kevin the goat turned my rose bushes into abstract art, Scooterbug hid John’s favorite truck-stop hat (the one that says “I Brake for Biscuits”), and my phone hasn’t stopped ringing since. The preacher’s wife—you know, the one I rescued from her undercover “mission work” at the brothel—called six times demanding to know why I didn’t send a cake via John for the church social. Lazarus, our big-eared cat, got into a full-on brawl with Randi the Raccoon over one of her babies eating his favorite treats, and he came out looking like Van Gogh—one ear stitched and the other twitching. The golf cart wouldn’t start (because, shockingly, gas helps), the lawn mower needed new blades (they normally do when they leave streaks in the middle of what you've just cut), and John’s oat-and-maple biscuits refused to rise in time for the town hall meeting, which he claims “nearly sparked a rebellion.” The washing machine was broken (just turn one notch to the left and press the ON button), and the UPS guy complained again about Ethel the goose not letting him open the door to the porch to put a package inside.
So yes, John dared me not to write about any of it… which, naturally, means I absolutely will. Bless his heart.
Baby Bee was so mad when I got home she went on a full-blown hunger strike—sitting by her bowl glaring at her kibble. Apparently, that’s her love language: emotional starvation and side-eye because she missed me.
Hunky and Dory, the donkeys, spent a solid ten minutes sniffing me like airport security—seventeen sniffs, to be exact—just to confirm it was really me and not some impostor woman who wouldn’t walk through fire to bring them their treats.
Buddy the dog? Oblivious. Didn’t even know I was gone. He’s a total daddy’s boy, and as long as John’s around with a biscuit in hand, I could move to Fiji and Buddy would just wag.
Meanwhile, Bandito and Little Ralphie are absolutely traumatized because John cleaned their litter box after every single poop. I mean, the horror! No “tootsie rolls” left to chase across the floor like midnight hockey pucks. The nerve of the man—he destroyed their entire recreational system.
So, I have a few things to get to the bottom of (like a bottle of red wine), and then I will be back here catching up!
Happy trails,
MJ