Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Amy, it relates to replacing phrases like just then, without warning, suddenly, etc. Apparently such words are considered poor writing style.

1,152 (edited by Dirk B. 2018-07-06 03:09:21)

Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Is the following rewording better, or am I misunderstanding the point of this?

But Apollo wasn’t about to encourage this voice … God … whatever! I don’t care. Go away!
You have no need to fear me.
“Go drown in the Styx!” Apollo yelled, pressing his hands against his ears as if hearing an actual voice.
You’re not ready. But prepare yourself, for I will return! The presence left Apollo’s mind.
Just then, the displays on Apollo’s command console winked out. The Acme simulator was spontaneously rebooting, as it often did.

Replace Just then with As God disappeared? Or am I supposed to simply delete Just then and replace it with nothing? The latter seems weird to me when I read it, even though there's a paragraph break.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Disclaimer: "Just then" doesn't bother me as a reader. I've trained myself to reduce/eliminate "just" in my writing, therefore, I also eliminate "just then"

Ok... "as God disappeared" is another transition replacement. It's troublesome because it'll force you to make the head-speaking characters formally withdraw/disappear which could get repetitive


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Are you saying to have no transition (interruption) words at all? Just go on to the next paragraph? If so, how do you convey that the next event is a surprise to the character?


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

In a roundabout way, I was saying "Just then" is kind of ok


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

To clarify my original comment on the "just then" your latest chapter...

I was not suggesting it needed changing... it just caught my eye, especially because we'd discussed it recently in main

I concede I would change it in my own writing, but I'm wordier and less battle-driven so don't follow me if you want a crisp battle scene. I'm the guy who stopped a rooftop restaurant battle so two characters could dance.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

What would you change it to? I'm trying to understand the alternatives.



Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

(I'm going to side-step the question for a moment and target my current WIP)

I started chapters 1 & 2 at night. Then I ended the 2-chapter battle and switched to regular state. For regular state (Meeting the horse, going on picnics, being happy, etc) I've been trying to focus the characters on sunshine and blue skies. As the time of Armageddon approaches, I've been increasing the cloudiness. Focusing on the greys. Nova's eyes are no longer "blue" - they're steely. Once the hammer falls, I plan to go back to darkness.

(jumping tracks again)

Star Trek TNG really worked their sounds on the bridge. There was the normal bridge sounds. Then, they'd be approaching an area where they think there are hostiles. The computers would make this double beep on like a 10-second pulse. Even though the characters were talking about misc things there's this meep-meep (pause) meep-meep (pause) in the background.

Then suddenly you'd have a weedle-weedle sound and shortly after "Captain, sensors detect incoming ships"

(ok back on topic)

Apollo is standing on the Ark of the Covenant discussing. [Just then] the Captain turned and said "Incoming ship"...

Of course, it isn't really "just then". He probably saw the captain take a call while he was talking. Maybe he heard sensors beeping with important messages or saw a crewman waiting to speak.

Here's an attempt:

Maybe you haven’t been paying attention, Apollo said over the buzz of incoming messages. He nodded to the captain to handle the call and continued. Caligula holds all the cards.

O, ye of little faith.

Apollo closed his eyes, sighed deeply, and stilled a tremor. O, ye of too many quotes.

"Sir?" the Ark’s captain, Amethyst Benjamin, turned to Prince Alexander and Admiral Highlander. “We’re receiving a signal from your sons aboard a transport that just arrived from Earth. They’re requesting permission to dock.”

Really it depends on how "sudden" you want the events. The one scene where they're in the palace and the bombers break past security I think you was very sudden. These scene, sudden doesn't seem required.

Also, I'm partial to colours and sounds. Having consoles flash in red or having patterns of reflected light on the ceiling is neat & re-usable. It can also be discarded when not needed.

Just some ideas

1,159 (edited by Kdot 2018-07-06 11:58:43)

Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Here's another one from my chapter 19:

He was assisting with the final coat of paint on the reconstructed barracks when he sensed a great power approaching. [F i r e m a k e r] set his brush down and turned to greet Keldar Xrell.

Adding "sudden"

He was assisting with the final coat of paint on the reconstructed barracks and joking with the troops. Just then, Keldar Xrell walked up.

Both of these are fine in my books, but the latter really calls attention to the suddenness


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Thanks. I found a few "just then" in my Strongest Start entry. Good thing I can still edit my chapters.

Thanks for the tips.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

I need a new name for the professor. Calling him R. Hinkley or Roy Hinkley will just result in a nasty letter from Warner Brothers. I was thinking Elroy Thinkley or Elroy Twinkley.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Elroy Wrinkly?


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

I like the 'Think' names.   Elbrecht van Thinklage?


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

I was considering Elroy Thinkley because it contains roy hinkley, but I'm not thrilled with the name. I think I can drop the original name, since I still refer to him as the professor, he uses coconuts for his time machine, and he's marooned on a desert island in 1964. It would be nice to keep some connection to Roy Hinkley, though. Perhaps Roy Thinkley? Meh.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Roy/Elroy Hinkledorf
Roy/Elroy Hinklemeyer

I'm currently leaning towards Roy Hinkledorf.

Other options are anything you can think of appended to the partial surname Hinkle. Any indirect relation to Gilligan's Island would be ideal.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Minnow Thinkley?

1,167 (edited by Dirk B. 2018-07-07 12:00:36)

Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Hinkleierkopf - Hinklegghead

It's down to the first two.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Will Warner really send out the legal letter?

I Googled "Hinkley". Seems to be a valid English name. They can't copy right a name. Admittedly A search of Roy+Hinkley links up to their IP rather quickly.

Therefore, I suggest: "Joy Hinkley"


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Royal Hinkley
Royden Hinkley
Royalblood Hinkley


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Joy is a woman's name, although a female professor would completely eliminate the IP issue.

Royal Hinkley is very good. I've toyed with it in the past.
I think it's down to Royal Hinkley, Roy Hinkleburg, or Joy Hinkley.
I'm leaning towards Hinkleburg or Hinkleburger. The latter is more in keeping with the nonsense of the book.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Roy Hinkleburg it is.

Thanks for the help.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Dirk B. wrote:

Joy is a woman's name, although a female professor would completely eliminate the IP issue.

yeh... ok.

Boy Hinkley (ok that's bad)

Hmm fail sauce

1,173 (edited by Dirk B. 2018-07-07 19:20:35)

Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Troy Hinkley!

Love it, but will the overstaffed legal department at Warner Brothers convince Amazon to take it down? I can't imagine they would.

EDIT: I meant CBS, not Warner Brothers.

1,174 (edited by Dirk B. 2018-07-07 20:08:43)

Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

Since I'm bored, this would probably be a good time to revisit my use of Acme Corporation for all my book's tech. The cartoon spells it ACME, which is short for A Company that Makes Everything. My Acme is not an acronym, although the company makes all the tech in the book by virtue of their monopoly on all advanced tech, whose designs are believed to be sent back in time by Hinkley.

ACME is actually owned by the road runner, so it's technology works perfectly every time in preventing the coyote from catching the scrawny bird.

Acme is owned by Hinkley and its technology fails quite often. The AI that becomes sentient/loony in the middle of the opening battle is made by Acme. In all, there are four references to Acme in the first two chapters and a few dozen more throughout the book.

Obviously, everyone is going to equate Acme with ACME, which may be too silly, especially given the tech failures. I can already see the cease and desist order from Warner Brothers.

With that as a preamble, the best alternative to Acme I can think of is Troy's Technology Titan (written as T3 (T-cubed)). Its unique and I get to cause as many failures as I want without the obvious link to ACME. It will take a while for the reader to discover that T-cubed produces consistent garbage, which is part of the fun.

I'm open to other suggestions.


Re: The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B.

T3 reminds me of terminator 3 the movie. Call it T cubed and you are fine