Topic: paragraph usage question

Can someone please tell me how best to structure the following in terms of paragraphs:

The admiral felt the heavy buffeting of her ship from the enemy's supernova cannons. She bent down next to Ensign Ecks and closed his eyes. Windsor bowed her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Brayden.” She rose and faced the main view screen. “To everything there is a season.” The admiral walked calmly to her position at the front of the bridge, moving that many steps closer to her doom. The retreating Hercules grew larger on the view screen as the Almighty gained on her. Dozens of escape pods fired from the enemy vessel. Rats from a sinking ship.

Do I keep it as one or do something more like this:

The admiral felt the heavy buffeting of her ship from [the enemy's] supernova cannons.

She bent down next to Ensign Ecks and closed his eyes. Windsor bowed her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Brayden.”

She rose and faced the main view screen. “To everything there is a season.” The admiral walked calmly to her position at the front of the bridge, moving that many steps closer to her doom.

The retreating Hercules grew larger on the view screen as the Almighty gained on her. Dozens of escape pods fired from the enemy vessel. Rats from a sinking ship.

Thanks
Dirk

Quote Post 1

2 Reply by Charles_F_Bell (edited by Charles_F_Bell 2017-01-15 12:23:53)

Re: paragraph usage question

Norm d'Plume wrote:

Can someone please tell me how best to structure the following in terms of paragraphs:

The admiral felt the heavy buffeting of her ship from the enemy's supernova cannons. She bent down next to Ensign Ecks and closed his eyes. Windsor bowed her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry, Brayden.” She rose and faced the main view screen. “To everything there is a season.” The admiral walked calmly to her position at the front of the bridge, moving that many steps closer to her doom. The retreating Hercules grew larger on the view screen as the Almighty gained on her. Dozens of escape pods fired from the enemy vessel. Rats from a sinking ship.

This paragraph is a mess. Okay, so who is "Windsor" and why is she interrupting the action surrounding the admiral with tears? 

Mixing action with other elements like thoughts is a difficult task and made insipid with Bible quotes and magical italicized tropes.

Breaking it up as you did as a fix almost works except the second paragraph has the same problem of mixing POV and description in a confusing way. You have four named characters doing stuff or just being dead (I'm guessing) in 25 words. You might consider deleting the third paragraph of your fixed version but putting the admiral's movement about the bridge into the previous or next paragraph.

Quote Post 2