Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread
Thanks. Based on yesterday's results, I appear to have miscalculated the start date of the Great Collapse of Civilization. To my credit, chapter one mentions that Aussie was beheaded on the orders of then President Tru.... I`ll probably have to change that, since it's no longer funny. President Hillar... perhaps? Too soon?
Free apricot brandy at K's place. He has a whole barrel.
By mistake when President Sloe Jobee got the names confused.
Sloe Jobee? I don't get the reference. But then I'm slow and jobless, so it's close.
Slow Joe Biden, Obama's way of insuring that nobody on the political right would consider attempting an assasination.
Amy, I reread the library chapter. Following were the elements that I thought slowed it down:
- the descrition of the paintings of Behira, and about the Sixteen
- the part where Alda gives Tazar and Lewellen stuff to do that never really gets done, nor some hint that these were important tasks, rather than make-work
- the book of herbs
- finding the second copy of Tazar's book
I'm not suggesting getting rid of all of it, as there needs to be some effort on Alda's part looking for the book. Or maybe not, maybe she knows where it is, and she's simply hesitant to reveal that she's read it. Also, only you would know if some of that material is needed later in the story. I suggest getting an extra opinion or two before you cut anything.
Hope this helps.
Dirk
EDIT: Also, it's the kind of detail that Tolkien would have added, so you're in good company, but his setting descriptions of every part of the journey dragged, at least for me.
Amy took that battle painting out, didn't she? I think that was a mistake. What would Alda think about it, looking up.at the ceiling and thinking of that roof she might have to clean?
I'm not taking out the painting. In fact, I amplified the description (that was part of the slow-down that Dirk mentioned). I have to have that painting for Lewellen to remember later when Jaylene is fighting the Gillis.
Dirk, the sixteen won't go away, but I really like the idea of merging those two chapters and thinning. There is no reason for Alda to get books for Tazar and Lewellen, so that can go. The commentary about the herbs will go. If I add anything, it will be a look into their 'Monster Manual' since it is mentioned in multiple books (with Anver for example). Otherwise, Alda just throws her hands into the air and goes off to read. It just happens to be that the book she is looking for is with the Diaries. (My new name for the restricted section).
I think the humor of Alda's shaggy search is also important to character and the relationship between Jaylene and Alda.
I hate to name something you're justly proud of but the parts that seem to contribute the least are Zylph and the Antlion. Can you compress those?
Zylph doesn't take much time and I like that it establishes the power required to hold back the flood. However, I can thin it out.
When I thinned for the editor(I'm paying by the word so there was incentive), I eliminated the ant lion completely. It was just fluff.
Once again, we're on the same page, New Jersey.
OK, one more chapter closer to the ending. The characters have a plan. They have all the required pieces except for a mythril carving tool. No plan can survive contact with the enemy. Let the combat begin.
Ha! Are you saying I could be a freelance editor? hehehehehe
Lots of things happening this side. For now, we're staying in the States. Trust me, pollies everywhere are the same and equally bad. Takes more than a cheetos face (hahahaha) to get rid of me/us!
We are still planning a site visit on to our Toledo Refinery, so I'm still bargaining that would happen. I've been busy building "you owe me's" with hubs, so it's all good for me staying longer and catching up with you guys!
We went sledding today. It was fucking awesome! Made me miss the dunes in Aus, because it's exactly the same except instead of hot and dry, it's cold and wet! We're learning, but we did good - seems like our gear is good for playing outside in the snow! whoo-hoo!
I'm hoping to be back tomorrow for a few more chapters!
xx
There is something called YakTrax to put over your shoes when the weather is horrible. While sledding, it is a must to keep your balance on ice. I have an extra pair. Do you want to give them a try?
Yaks? Aww, thems just hairy cows. Up here you need to put a polar bear over your feet if you want to keep from freezing your yaks off.
Keep talking while your lips freeze together and your face turns to ice, wise guy...
Are you calling Dirk an AI, or does that jave to be capitalized?
There is something called YakTrax to put over your shoes when the weather is horrible. While sledding, it is a must to keep your balance on ice. I have an extra pair. Do you want to give them a try?
Googled YakTrax. That looks awesome! We did okay with just our snowboots yesterday, didn't fall around at all even when we pulled the sled uphill, but we still had to be careful. I think Yaktrax will be even better. You hang onto yours, you need it way more than us. We first have to see how often we'll need them, and then I'll let you know. You're the best Amy!
Glad we went yesterday, rained overnight, so now it's slush outside. And I've finally seen what brown snow looks like (and yellow snow - it's funny to see the two Dachshunds in the snow and doing their thing - the snow was shoulder height for them, poor things).
I have to catch up with reviews and what not. Later today!
Are you calling Dirk an AI, or does that jave to be capitalized?
I prefer Sage. Be sure to capitalize it. I am not a herb.
Dorothy Parker's 'pure as the driven slush'.
OK, I've put up another chapter. (Chapter 50) Let's see if I can finish this bastard and write those two lovely little words, "The...En...."
Nope. I can't write them yet. Haven't earned them.
The End of Act 1 of Book 1 of 5.
Oh poo!
If it helps, here's mine: Not even the End of Act 1 of v3 of Book 1 of 5.
Donkey droppings!
Gotta learn to crawl before we walk...
Deep POV question: should I be trying eliminate all references to 'his mother' and 'his father' in favor of just 'Mother' and 'Father'? It reads very weird to me. Less so in chapter two, when Joseph is just four and thinks of them as Mommy and Daddy.
I don't think so. I think of my mom as 'my mother' in my own thoughts. Deep POV is more of a sensory thing rather than address. Things that the main character can see, feel, hear, smell and taste that only he would know. His feet itch. His mouth tastes sour in the morning. That kind of thing.
Thanks
Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread
