Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → The Sorcerer's Progress
It refers back to the family routine, which was established in previous chapters. Glaselle has taken care of all her duties and responsibilities. Only then does she spend time with the new cherished possession. And her parents know and trust her to act this way.
It refers back to the family routine, which was established in previous chapters. Glaselle has taken care of all her duties and responsibilities. Only then does she spend time with the new cherished possession. And her parents know and trust her to act this way.
Now this makes sense, except ... when I suggested:
"After dinner and putting Harsel and Gelsa to bed, Glaselle sat down to explore her new Atlas."
you said:
But you're saying that Glaselle put them to bed. I'm leaving that question open.
This reply implied that my suggestion changed the meaning while your latest reply say otherwise.
So my question now is: Why is it important to leave it open who put them to bed?
This is in addition to: Why is it important to mention that they are put to bed?
Because you also said:
Harsel and Gelsa are not the topic of the paragraph. They are scene-setting.
I'm simply saying if it's not important, don't say it in a way that (indirectly) make it seem as if it is ... And I'm thinking we're really close to the point where you just have to tell me to go to hell and we can agree that you like it and don't want to change it or say that was the best suggestion to date on this site and you shall take it on-board and never disagree with my brilliance again! 
I'm taking the whole thing under advisement. 
Okay, I have =finally= got maybe 3,000 words on Merran and Jamen rescuing the kids and confronting Shogran. (Follows the =Shogran vs. Pain= chapterlette.) Now to type it up and find the various problems in it.
Shame Merran isn't properly trained. Her mother would have brought this to a much nicer end, and denied me a subsequent adventure. I did say, back in Lifspynth, that when sorcerers travel adventure follows--and some people thought I was wasting words.
I am gramatically unsound. New Jersey has declared this to be so. Sigh.
(Pouts)
I'm taking the whole thing under advisement.
I'll shut up now and go and review someone else 
I'm going to find a smiley face with a bomb and use that emoji to end my sentences with you two.
Amy, got the review. You've hit a lot of stuff I had trouble with, and you're right about the PoV. No easy fix.
As to fear, I'm working off my own experience. If you can push the trigger out of the awareness, you dial back the fear.
Full reply later.
Okay, review is replied to. That was a monster--thanks!
Here's what I take away from it:
I have to make the (unavoidable) PoV shifts more gradual.
I have to untangle the big (and extended) Power Moment (Power Afternoon) from the Circumstances of Difficulty.
I have to better paint the way the fear of heights works on Kirsey. (To do this I may have to move much closer into his PoV at some points.)
Nothing I do will make you like Melayne or care for her choices. (Sorry, she's a flawed human being, not a rotten one.)
(That's supposed to be a bulleted list, but this BB software does not like bullets.)
Kirsey may not NEED to fear (though he's not nearly so invulnerable as Caayoe) but fears like the fear of looking out from high places do not hinge on strength and weakness.
I've written sections that give Melayne a little more range. But see the B2 chapters now numbered 34 and 35.
Okay, I have =finally= got maybe 3,000 words on Merran and Jamen rescuing the kids and confronting Shogran. (Follows the =Shogran vs. Pain= chapterlette.) Now to type it up and find the various problems in it.
More problems than I thought (and that's saying a lot). Let's hope it's ready Tuesday night or Wednesday AM.
Poked through the review. Some thoughts
a) If Kirsey will do magical things so naturally that he doesn't notice, then the POV character should not be him. The POV character should be one who can observe the power character.
If that's true, how can any first-person sorcery/magic stories take place? You might not think the second Amber series is the equal of the first, and I might agree with you, but it was a very interesting and saleable series. And there's Elizabeth Willey's neglected trilogy (The Well-Favored Man, A Sorcerer and a Gentleman, and The Price of Blood and Honor). There are others, but those come to mind right now.
I think New Jersey is spending a lot of time on character development and this is a great thing. Kirsey or Melayne...it doesn't matter. This is an exercise that lets his style evolve. He is starting with what he knows...writing about his own direct experience and fear of heights.
Melayne isn't as easy for him. He isn't a mother or a woman, so it isn't easy to place himself in her shoes. Ergo 7 of 9 mentality. She may change in future edits. Or she may stay the same. But the characters will evolve.
Keep it up, New Jersey. I have my Pom poms out and I'm cheering.
I'll shut up now and go and review someone else
Go check your reviews. Tag.
njc wrote:Okay, I have =finally= got maybe 3,000 words on Merran and Jamen rescuing the kids and confronting Shogran. (Follows the =Shogran vs. Pain= chapterlette.) Now to type it up and find the various problems in it.
More problems than I thought (and that's saying a lot). Let's hope it's ready Tuesday night or Wednesday AM.
About 2,500 words. The tail of it isn't in such bad shape but the start of it sure is. Now I need rezzzzz ... t
Amy, since you like describing Melayne in game-alignment terms, I present the introduction of a GG character whose most apt alignment is Chaotic Clueless.
Nope. She is lawful neutral. Though I will check out the link if work ever gives me a moment to breathe.
Too many problems still with Shogran's Waifs, but I have solved another problem. I may get that up tomorrow.
Edit: Today. Eyes in the Kitchen, B2, Ch 36 (and should be a bit earlier). Also short (about 370 words).
I have a new action sequence for Shogran's Waifs. We'll see if I can make it work.
Scene outline now. Includes a battle (and once again I think I've got a strep infection). Meanwhile I've got some little stuff out there. Did you look at =Shogran vs. Pain=? Right up your alley.
Oooo, K sounds so French...tingles up and down my spine...
Amy, if you like French, I can unload a bunch of words I learned in summer camp in Quebec. :-)
Je parle francais seulement pour vous, ma chere dame.
Pepe Le Pew
Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → The Sorcerer's Progress
