Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (Page 46 of 77)

Let's wait until the known problem (the containment jar sequence) is addressed, and them we can see if there is sill a problem.

Meanwhile, why is this thread sticky?

Sticky thing is fixed. I accidentally hit a button.

The story starts with Earthwound.  Why was Jaylene Lance'd?  Why did The Defiler attack the Wolves there?  So it's both Kha's story and Jaylene's  And was it Pure Luck that Kha got the Summer of Centrillium?  Can you say that this is the sort of luck that happened when the Wolves are together?  Can you use the trip to let Kha give us a little backstory?

The outstanding problem I see with Mandates is the opening.   Earthwound, Kha's half-healing, Kha's trip to Aerie (with the stop for Centrillium).

IMO, the strongest episode in the whole work is Kha and Dragon Sil.  Whatever the other problems, the character reveal and the action that does it are very, very powerful.

I begin to see this isn't quite the simple tale suggested by Acts. I hope I can follow all the threads...

I have given up on that. I'm more surprised when I CAN follow a thread rather than not ... So far, I can follow Northern Skies, but only just.

Does that mean that all those old resurrected Lances were restored immediately, or has this particular thing happened before?

All of that is fairly given in what we see in the story.  Tell too much directly and you spoil the mystery.

Amy, as far as Mandates representing your youthful limitations, well, parts of that story represent your best work.    That means all the parts with Sil, once Sil has become a character and not just a beast.

On the containment jar--I suspect you should resign youself to some speading edits.  I'll reread that section and see if I can make my impressions a little more concrete.

You said, "Healing is reserved for rare and special people. Advice is withheld and frequently veiled. You get delivery missions that are next to impossible. It seems once you decide to follow her, you're in for a world of pain."

Sounds like the Catholic religion to me. There is no promise that God is going to help you through disease, poverty, or the trials of life. However, you serve because of a moral code and a belief that there is a greater power and a greater good. At the end, you get to sit in God's presence and the reward is eternal happiness in Heaven.

What is in it for the worshipper? Getting in on the plan, maybe. Being able to follow and look after the ones that you love. Maybe you enter a meld where you are part of a greater consciousness with the power to direct the real-world agents of your Goddess in order to make the world a better place.  Either way, the need to find a bigger meaning to an isolated life is branded into the human genome. I'm comfortable with Behira being a standard that people are willing to follow.

That and she's cool. She collects rocks. She likes dragons. She kicks the ass of evil.

I gave my priests a goddess that can be measured, experienced, and who rewards her followers with magic. Not half bad. I don't need 90 pages to justify this.

Sandfall
Ooo, it's beautifuul.
Where does the sand go?
     Down a hole in the middle.
Wow.  Okay, where do we go next?
     Down the hole in the middle.
Urp!

On =Mandates=, I suggest you digest what I wrote and see if it feels helpful.  Maybe even do a first pass on the chapter.  We can work  from there.

Wow, you're quick.  There's more to be done, but my next round of comments may have to wait a day.  One observation: You're still beginning the scene with Anver, rather than laying out the root of the dilemma first.  My suggestions weren't the best way, but I think that getting the issue started before you bring Anver in will help keep things moving.  So will a little economy (and reduced duplication) in the big description.  Some of it could be slipped into the action (Anver chased through the entrance hall by Kat).

You've got to near the point of diminishing returns to make this flow.  I'm just beginning to feel the big structure of it, and I hope I'll be able to hit that in my next round of comments.

It would be a shame among shames if a few weak chapters kept this story from publication, or from success after it hit the shelves.  It's a better story than many I have read.  You've got all the hard stuff right, and a lot of brilliant moments that are intrinsic to the story.