Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread (Page 35 of 77)

Amy, thanks for the explanation of the timeline. I think it's going to be difficult for readers to grasp this, though, since you're weaving back and forth between two stories. Having read Acts, I still couldn't figure it out, although that's probably because I'm a dunce. It would be easier to follow this if the events at the beginning of the two books were the same, told in roughly linear fashion, but told from a different POV (Kha vs. Anver).

You don't need to retell the whole thing twice. Just enough for readers to see the connection when they get to Acts. If Anver is going to appear at the beginning of Mandates to rescue Kha, make it clear in Acts that he rescued Kha. You can tell the common events from two totally different perspectives (how Kha experienced it vs how Anver experienced it). As written, I knew there was a connection, but it wasn't obvious enough to help me understand the timeline, which caused confusion and frustration.

Right now you have Anver as the POV character in Mandates for the opening scenes, then he totally disappears, which comes off as a poorly written opening to a huge saga. I suggest you don't make him the POV character at all in Mandates. Tell the disaster and rescue entirely from Kha's POV. It's his story. Gives us his thoughts and his struggle to be rescued and recover. Keep the story in Kha's POV until he leaves the school. In Acts, give us only Anver's POV until Kha leaves the school. If you want to include a timeline for readers, that's fine, but the stories could each easily stand on their own.

There was an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where they were stuck in a time loop that destroyed the ship each time through the loop. With each loop they gathered more information (e.g., deja vu) that ultimately helped them escape. Point is, they had to tell the loop story three times without boring the viewers. They used different camera angles, showed a number of events from different POVs, and some details of the story that were unique to the POV.

If I remember correctly, Kha is catatonic at the beginning of Mandates, but he's not dead. As a result, you could have him sense some of what's going on around him, without him being able to respond. He could sense that first ray of light from outside the cave as Anver moves the rocks. He could also hear the sound of the rescue going on, and feel himself being carried out. Once you get to Acts, tell all of that from Anver's POV: he gets his first glimpse into the cave as he moves the rocks, etc.

It's fun telling other people to rewrite their stories. Payback's a bitch, huh Amy? :-)

Amy, I've read it but haven't reviewed it yet. Will do soon.

I think it's a big improvement. I now see the timeline of events within Mandates and between Mandates and Acts. I assume you'll flip the POV to Anver experiencing some of these same events in Acts to reinforce these events.

I agree with K that there is a lot going on crammed into this chapter and that it needs either cutting (e.g., the dragon) or expansion. Him healing at the school is excellent since it creates the connection needed between the two stories.

My main criticism is that I think the opening of the chapter is weak. This is the beginning of your saga. Starting with a climb is not going to grab me right away if I open your book and start reading it. I think the strongest place to start would be in the cave after the cave-in. That's the time of highest tension in the chapter. Give us Kha catatonic, but still able to sense somewhat and struggling to think straight. Let us experience it as he would. The cave is dark. He can't see. There are no sounds. He can't hear his friends. Have him wonder if this is the end for him. Have him worry if anyone has died. Have him think that he may have triggered the cave-in when he grounded. (I don't know if he's responsible, but he could be thinking it.) Make him unable even to maintain his body temperature. Eventually, have him sense light coming from an opening as Anver clears bolders. Have it warm his face. Have him hear conversations as they find dead bodies around him.

I have to go back and read it again, but I got the impression that the cave-in happened just as he grounded. When would he have had time to take the other staff?

That's it so far. Nice work.
Dirk