Topic: POV slip or not?

I have a dialogue between two characters: Admiral Windsor, the POV character, and Admiral Gaius Lupus, her deadly nemesis.

Windsor says: “Two encounters in three months, Gaius? I don’t recall a formal declaration of war. Surely the emperor doesn’t plan to unleash the Apocalypse over me.”

The next part is what I'm wondering about. Can I say,

     Lupus bristled at the use of his first name.
     Windsor suppressed an urge to smile.

Or should I say,

     Windsor saw Lupus bristle at the use of his first name. She suppressed an urge to smile.

The first option could be viewed as a POV slip. After all, how can she know that's why he bristled? In the second option, it's clear that she took his bristling to be in response to her calling him by his first name.

I prefer the first option because I don't like to remind the reader too frequently that we're in Windsor's POV when the whole chapter is her POV.

Thoughts from the POV police?

Thanks.
Dirk

Quote Post 1

2 Reply by Tom Oldman (edited by Tom Oldman 2015-06-27 14:55:45)

Re: POV slip or not?

Could you combine the two, Dirk? How about "Windsor watched Lupus bristle at the use of his first name, and suppressed the urge to smile."

~Tom

Quote Post 2

Re: POV slip or not?

^^^ thats good. Perhaps, to further avoid the pov slip, "Windsor watched Lupus bristle, presumably at the use of his first name, and suppressed the urge to smile."

Quote Post 3

Re: POV slip or not?

I like Ken's suggestion. It is more active than mine.

~Tom

Quote Post 4

Re: POV slip or not?

Tom Oldman wrote:

I like Ken's suggestion. It is more active than mine.

Lupus squared out his shoulders and narrowed his eyes at her.
"I didn't realize we needed to be on a first name basis," he replied.

~Tom

It's too complicated and busy, as if he was about to throw a hissy fit.  You are right that there is a minor POV issue by your first version, and the second is better, perhaps re-worded. I don't actually understand the point of the urge to smile, but I don't know the characters.

Quote Post 5

Re: POV slip or not?

Perhaps. But why quote me? Speak to the source.

~Tom

Quote Post 6

Re: POV slip or not?

I actually agree with Charles on this one. Its going too far to point out the use of his name. The original, and Tom's, kept it subtle.

Quote Post 7

Re: POV slip or not?

I went with Tom's version above. It's less show-y than K's, but I want a fast back and forth between the two characters. Causing him to bristle is not something I want to dwell on with added dialogue. It's a verbal dueling of words on the verge of a deadly battle. I want to keep up the pace.

Thanks.
Dirk

Quote Post 8

Re: POV slip or not?

Lupus knitted his brow and ground his teeth. Windsor suppressed the urge to smile at causing him to bristle over the use of his first name.

No POV slip (But you know what I think about POV) b/c Windsor could see his physical reaction AND you show the reader his reaction.

Quote Post 9

Re: POV slip or not?

KHippolite wrote:

Yeah... mine has a little more traffic because I went out of my way to define how the bristling occurred. I found bristle to be a little summative... a little tell-y - kind of delivering how we should interpret a myriad of complex actions... so I filled in the missing actions and left it to the reader to choose if he's bristling or having a hissy fit or maybe just bit into a bad filling

Yes, but "bristle" has an inherent connotative meaning now to the extent that its literal meaning is never used except in the bristle of brush. By "busy" I mean using too many words to express a simple thing.  Using so many words to "show" rather than "tell" defeats what I thought to be the purpose in skipping over narration in preference to dialogue and action.  Example: rather than "He looked tired"  (simple, probably too simple and unelaborated). "Bobby Joe 'The Hook' Plegaria left his two-bit whore in bed and went into the bathroom, and before he turned on the wash basin spigot, he looked into the mirror showing his face as tired and worn from twenty years of drinking."  This sort of thing tells me it is going to take forever to finish this f***ing story.

Quote Post 10

Re: POV slip or not?

Janet Taylor-Perry wrote:

Lupus knitted his brow and ground his teeth. Windsor suppressed the urge to smile at causing him to bristle over the use of his first name.

to smile/him/to bristle/his doesn't flow well. I prefer Tom's combined sentence for this one, perhaps with a tweak or two.

Thanks
Dirk

Quote Post 11

Re: POV slip or not?

Lupus pompously, fell into a hissy fit at her familiarity of using his first name.
     Windsor spewed coffee through her nose trying suppress an urge to smile.

I apologize Dirk, I just couldn't help myself.
Mike

Quote Post 12

Re: POV slip or not?

LOL. I eventually decided to make them old enemies, so they were on a first name basis the whole time.

Quote Post 13

Re: POV slip or not?

Norm d'Plume wrote:

I have a dialogue between two characters: Admiral Windsor, the POV character, and Admiral Gaius Lupus, her deadly nemesis.

     Windsor saw Lupus bristle at the use of his first name. She suppressed an urge to smile.

Dirk

Consider: Windsor suppressed the urge to smile at having ruffled Lupus feathers... or some other such statement...

Quote Post 14