The Galaxy Tales - Dirk B. (Page 35 of 49)

Re: Eyes go wide

Allow me to take an unusual stance. First, go re-read 10 paragraphs of your favourite chapter of Dune, then insert "...and Paul's eyes went wide".

Why don't we see this?

Essentially, the writer is treading on the story and says "Character X feels surprised".

One rule of story-telling they never tell you in school is "Don't tell the reader how to feel". That's what's happening here, and Herbert never does this. As such, the Dune story means many things to many people, and it's why there'll never be an accurate movie rendered of it (though the original comes reasonably close).

"Don't tell the reader how to feel"
I once had this yelled at me by a published writer many years ago. The particular example was fright. The lines went something like this (and I'm going from memory so bear with me).

Round 1 (basic)

Here, the writer was like "NO! Why is John afraid? Show me the elements of John that demonstrate fear, and let me decide if I'm afraid"

Round 2 (regular)

a. John considers sunlight important (eg, he considers night/darkness as something to avoid). Notice, John need not frown - the fact that he noticed the waning sunlight is sufficient to convey the writer's intent.
b. John regularly passes here, and John associates fences with safety
c. Dogs make John think about death
d. delaying the suspense
e. Telling part (No worries here. I do this all. the. time.) This is on par with eyes widening - the writer is basically pausing the story to give the reader clues on how they should be feeling. After all, an open gate is not relevant if the dog is really friendly.

Round 3 (Approaching Stephen King level)

a. Keeping the danger slightly off-camera

Is John scared? The story never says. To some readers, he's terrified. To other readers he's quite calm and merely trying to avoid getting bitten. We basically invite the reader to insert his own judgements on top of John's actions. This is what Herbert managed to do... and is a kind of ideal goal.

If you manage to reach this third tier, Apollo will seem suave to some readers, and surprised to others. Each reader will assign their favourite attributes to the character. He will be inherently personable because he will embody the ideals of each reader's experiences.

Reader A: Vader is in entreaty. He wants to be recognized as a parent
Reader B: Vader is ashamed that his son is so weak. He's boasting that he's the father to try to get Luke to be better
Reader C: Vader is testing Luke... trying to draw him out to see what he knows.
Reader D: (is in Luke's head) Don't, Luke! It's a trrrraaaap!

now imagine:

Here, "pleading" is a slight POV crawl. As Reader B, I have to stop being the character and imagine the character as perceived by Luke. This bounces me into Luke's head for a split second. I've been forced to head-hop and there was no significant benefit.

Most important fact... what you've written is not a deal breaker. Even if you change nothing, you still have a good story. This is all nuance... and as I've said each time, I want to give each of you everything I know.

I can totally get rid of a major character on a moment's notice without even so much as a goodbye. Foreshadowing is for weenies.

I need to rehash something. I have several guard forces in the story, referred to as the Royal Guard, the Praetorian Guard, and the Elite Guard (to replace the Candidatii, which I dislike). Rather than constantly refer to these guards as "members of" or "officers of" the Praetorian/Royal/Elite Guard, I was considering simply referring to them as Praetorian guard(s), Royal guard(s), and Elite guard(s). So, the entities are always capitalized (e.g., the Guard), but the members are always lowercase (the guard(s)). Is that enough of a distinction to be clear? Another option is to simply refer to the individuals as Praetorian Guard(s), Royal Guard(s), and Elite Guard(s) and allow the reader to figure it out from context. For ambiguous cases, I can always be explicit. Seabrass uses City Watch and City Watchman.

Thoughts?

What about female guards? Guardswoman? And what if it's both men and woman? Still use Guardsmen?

The chapter "The Havens Explode" is up. It's a modest rewrite of the same chapter from v2. Major changes include Joseph and Paul being kidnapped and the reintroduction of the little girl who briefly ended up in Joseph's head before I punted her from the last draft. Here her name is Billie, named for TNBW user Bill K. who inspired her, and she has a very different personality that will soon horrify Joseph.

Quick, go read!

Thanks
Dirk

The Attack on New Bethlehem chapter is up. It's an updated version of the same chapter from v2. The original battle in this chapter was total crap, so I moved some of the book's final battle here (from the Caligula! chapter). I didn't want to do two large battles since that would just be repetitive, so this one is short. A bit heavy on telling. Please let me know if it's too short and what you would add. Also, please let me know if I need to say more about battle chess. It's really just a treaty-permitted way of ensuring limited, fair fights, rather than having battles escalate into all-out war.

Quick, go read!
Dirk

Forget reading. Write!

The latest chapter, Turning Point, is up. This follows Joseph during and immediately after the battle up in space, led by Apollo. He's still in South Haven following his kidnapping. Billie's true nature is revealed.

I am just flying through these chapters compared to my usual pace. I have one chapter in Act II that needs a complete rewrite, but the rest of the book will probably roll out at about one revised chapter per week or two, which is a good thing, because I am sick of writing this story. It'll be 7-8 years total on one book. Sheesh.

I want to move on to my book about the Antichrist plotting to seize control of the Vatican, based on the short story I wrote a while back.

Quick, go read!
Dirk

I think there's a typo. They bury her only 50cm deep? The body will resurface

According to the Funeral Fund Blog: There is no minimum safe depth at which a body must be interred. The depth of an in-ground burial can vary from 1.5 to 12 feet, sometimes even deeper. Individual jurisdictions specify their own minimum depths, but most are nowhere near six feet. The origin of the idiom “Six feet under”.

I went with a meter.

Went with 3m (10 feet?) for Venus due to heavy flooding. Who wants aunt Irma showing back up for the family reunion. Had no idea 1,5 feet was even feasible. Must be a heavy shale region to support that.

They have the misfortune of having to name things that don't need names (e.g. stars that don't appear in the script) because they have a story universe database to maintain. I have no named stars for several of my worlds. The origin novel for Darth Sidious apparently decided it would be a good idea to name everything. Crossing a bridge? Needs a name. Entering a building? Needs a name. Etc. Several key characters had multiple names.