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Hi folks. I'm not crazy about the idea that you must respond to a review before being able to post again. If I write a review and get no response or recip, I assume the writer doesn't want to start a TNBW "relationship" with me and move on. The site certainly has enough talented and generous writers to make up for the rare snub. Not responding may not be great etiquette, but that's certainly within a member's right. No point in trying to force courtesy out of people.

Cool, Janet! Best of luck with your new venture/adventure. Seeing your writing/editing/marketing skills in action with your own work, I have no doubt you'll enjoy much success sharing these talents with other writers. Gray:)

Got a headache just trying to plot this one out in my head, so kudos to the brave and creative souls who entered. On a positive note, there's been some exceptional world-building and creativity in the small group of entries, especially when it comes to the identity of the required "deaf, mute, or blind" main character.

That's amazing feedback. Well done. I need to order a copy.

I think Vern's point is right on target. To me, "tell" is a dry narration of events as they happen. Medical writing is the classic dry "tell":

"The patient presented with a history of blunt force trauma to the abdomen. An exploratory laparoscopy was performed, revealing 20 ccs of bright red blood in the peritoneal cavity..."

It's as if the purpose of this writing style is to strip away all drama from even the most dramatic scenario. So if you're describing a battle, show the events in graphic, action-packed detail. If you merely summarize what happened, you're introducing the kind of clinical detachment that makes a scene less tense and exciting.

In your specific example, I think sentences like "The marines were hopelessly outnumbered" and modifiers like "In response" are dry "tell" -- the kind of narration you'd find in a war documentary. On the other hand, when you describe the colonel charging at the enemy and firing his crisper (cool name for a weapon, BTW), even after an arm has been blown off, that's riveting stuff -- definitely "show." I'd also go easy with the adjectives and adverbs. Others may disagree, but I find that prose choked with modifiers reads more like "tell" in that it tends to ramble on rather than cut straight to the action/point. Your example, for instance, is cluttered with extraneous modifiers (highlighted in caps below) that kill your pace:

"walked [PURPOSEFULLY]"... "[HEAVIEST] stream"... "moved RELENTLESSLY forward" (why not just "charged/barreled/pressed/drove forward"?)... "[HEAVILY] muscled man"... "[CONTINUED] firing his crisper" (why not just "fired his crisper"? or "kept firing his crisper?"), etc...

In sum, ditch the extraneous adverbs/adjectives and passive sentences (e.g. "Soon, weapons fire targeted the Marines from three sides..."; "causing the enemy to fall back in fear") and your battle scene will be much more gripping.  --Gray

That's awesome! Congrats, Ann!

Happy New Year, guys! Voted for TNBW, REAPER. And WILTED MAG. Good luck with the contest. Gray:)

Terrific review, Janet, and well deserved! Way to go!

All gacks aside (and I'm not sure if Gack! is even a bad thing; guess that would depend on context), that's an excellent revision, Ron. You lead by introducing the MCs, then spell out the conflict, ending with a nice hook about the what's at stake for "the great city of Anderholm" and the choice Shadyia will face.  If I ever get to the query stage, I'll definitely hit you up for advice! Gray

Rhiannon: to illustrate your point about first person POV and sci-fi, I'm citing below the first few lines of "Dark Eden" by Chris Beckett. The author didn't open with a long preamble about an alien, sunless planet or the inbred human tribes subsisting on this hostile, geothermally powered world. Rather, the backstory fills in around the main characters as they start an ordinary day, getting ready to hunt:

"    THUD, THUD, THUD. Old Roger was banging a stick on our group log to get us up and out of our shelters.
     "Wake up, you lazy newhairs. If you don't hurry up, the dip will be over before we even get there, and all the bucks will have gone back up dark"
     Hmmph, hmmph, hmmph, went the trees all around us, pumping and pumping hot sap from underground. Hmmmmmmm, went forest. And from over Peckhamway came the sound of axes from Batwing group. They were starting their wakings a couple of hours ahead of us, and they were already busy cutting down a tree.... "

Less than 200 words in and I already know I'm in a completely alien world, filled with strange sights and sounds. The author doesn't info dump about how this colony was founded by a handful of humans -- hence the inbreeding of "Batwing" group, which we come to learn is so named because their cleft lips give them "bat-like" faces. Nor does he explain that - in a world with no sun - waking and sleeping cycles would be governed by some other system of "wakings." Rather, we're plunged right into this unique and brilliantly creative universe.