Topic: You Only Love Twice - a quandary

Those of you who have been following this story have been giving me great advice. I have taken almost every bit of it and incorporated it into the story. I now find I have a problem. I feel that the story is flagging a bit. Not necessarily in the romance department, but in the telling vs showing department. In the first posting (no points) the chapters involving the two-day sales meeting between Biru and Mr. Dannae's company was greatly detailed. This, I felt, showed that he was a great salesman and that Hiroko's assistance was appreciated as well as enhancing his whole presentation.

In the points version, several reviewers have rightly taken me to task for drawing out the story a bit unnecessarily.  Sort of "where's the beef?" comments. I deserve them as I can see where things are a bit dry. I know I tend to go off and detail things that shouldn't be too detailed. I try to reduce this as much as I can.

So. My question is: Should I chop chapters 19 through 22 into just one chapter which quickly describes the high points of the sales meeting and move on into the the post-sales story? I ask this because this story is supposed to be a growing romance between the two MC's and not a blow-by-blow sales talk. Blah, blah, blah, makes a dull story. I doubt that this is a spoiler, but Biru makes the sale and then takes a giant step towards cementing he and Hiroko's future.

What say you? Skip the sales and get on with it, or add the sales just to see how good Biru is?

Second part of the question: Should I introduce Hiroko's POV once in a while to show what she may be thinking? Her Japanese point of view may be different than a Westerner's, and would provide a counterpoint to some of Biru's thoughts.

Input appreciated.

~Tom

Re: You Only Love Twice - a quandary

I've decided to forge ahead and present the original story. If I go messing about, chopping holes in it, I'm sure to forget something that would make the reader go "huh?". It is important to show the business side of Biru and how he and Hiroko work together for his sale.

I do agree, Ken, that adding Hiroko's POV would not be practical. It might also be called 'belaboring the point' if I used it in addition to Biru's POV. Maybe, in the future, I'll add her side of the romance.

~Tom