Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → The Hollow Man
It's the first chapter of the actual Novel I'm working on, mythology and history is not an easy thing to bang out all the time, so I'm hoping you enjoy this, I'll have more out as it comes along, hope you all enjoy, and are interested in more.
That's one of the titles used for John Dickson Carr's The Three Coffins.
Great then I need to re name the damned thing now
Not really. Titles do get re-used, though I wouldn't suggest The Nine Tailors or Gone With the Wind unless for a short story where they were particularly apt--or humorous, as for example, The Nine Taylors.
Eh, rename it once you've got the first draft done. Something will seem appropriate then.
A
I'd suggest "The Three Boffins - The Hollow-ish Man" as the title! 
For now however, I'm struggling to recip while I'm struggling with writing, so I can't make any promises. But I've made a note and one day, who knows, I'll have some spare time with nothing else to do (or I'll feel really guilty for not having taken a look yet) and will check it out! But best would be to start reading and reviewing some other writers on site - they tend to recip and reviewing will also do wonders for your writing. You'd probably need the points soon in any case judging by changes coming with regards to free groups (not sure if you can see the premium posts) ....
JR
I've been trying, I'm not sure what the etiquette is believe it or not, some of you have HELLA stuff posted, I have no idea where to start. Have mostly been just pecking through. And its been renamed to Sword and Danger Man who is not Full.
And its been renamed to Sword and Danger Man who is not Full.
This is pure gold .... Do not change a thing, your new title is spectacular. 
Anyways, I saw your review - much appreciated. You've moved up the list. Tomorrow is looking good to recip some unexpected new reviews ...
Hi Shearluck
This may look bad, really really bad, but there are really not that many things to fix and I did enjoy reading the chapter even with the few nits I picked up. So pull on your armour and take a deep breath!
I'll give you the detailed nits/suggestions and then I'll end with what I think the bigger picture issues are, and if you agree, at least you would have an idea where to start!
[delete] (add) *comments*
Silas Tyrn sat on his blood(-)red warhorse watching [as] the sun sank below the great hills to the west. The trees on either side of him [cashed](casted) eerie shadow(s) over the other men under his command.
* really good start!
Each sound sent an icy trail of *fear*through Silas.
* not sure this is exactly the right word here because if he is the hero, I don’t mind them anxious/careful, but I do mind them scared
* then I got to his age – might want to let us know first he’s young, because then readers will understand and forgive
His hands gloved in black leather and ring mail, felt frozen[, a](. A) biting chill swept through them all.
The river that lay across the fields, known as the *Val’thren*, was completely iced over.
* nice!
No [sigils](signals) or banners could be seen, just [50](fifty) men atop horses, and another [60](sixty) on foot, holding long bows made of yew. Silas sighed[; he](and) felt all the weight of his 16 years on his shoulders.
* check, there are rules when to use numbers and when to write it out, but from memory, the latter applies for numbers smaller than 100, and you need to ensure your use of numbers is consistent
Like him the men were lightly armored[,](in?) hardened leather and ring mail. Each bore a long sword, spear, and shield[,](.) (Grey and black.) [no](No) crests adorned them[, just more grey and black]. The sun finally set[, to the south], the watch fires of King Valinor’s army burned brightly[,illuminating] (to the south and illuminated) the massive wooden fortress.
It wasn’t fully manned; the King(‘)s true strength would not be here for another [6](six) hours. The rebels did not think *they* would be there for another [3](three) days.
* who are they, Silas and his men?
* overall, so far, you’re nailing putting us in the right time and place!
Silas’ elder brother *sat* in the keep waiting as wel[l](.)
* not sure sat is the right word here, see if you can’t tell us exactly what he is doing otherwise I’m going to picture him with some embroidery! 
[, his](His) elder brother was [20](twenty), muscled like a bear with a temper to match.
His name was Rhanos, first son of Lord Thanal Tyrn, who was [Second Son,](the second son) of Huron Tyrn, Warden of the South.
* consider only referencing to Huron as the Warden of the South at this point and if required, hit us for his full name when he arrives in a scene?
A bird suddenly cried out, a great caw caw caw. The men stiffened when they heard it[,](as) they knew what it meant[, the](. The) rebels would be crossing the river soon. Not long after came the sound of muffled feet[, a]. (A) great deal many muffled feet.
“The scum are nothing if prudent,” Spat Ser Rollin[, scratching](and scratched) at his great red beard.
* try avoiding –ing words where you can, but not at all cost or always
Ser Rollin was a large man of about [35; he](thirty-five and) had trained Silas ever since [he](the young boy) *I can be pedantic like this * could hold a sword. Having him there helped ease the young Captains nerve(‘)s[,](.)
Silas smiled under his leather mask and whispered [back], “When did you learn what [Prudent](prudent) meant?”
Ser Rollin snorted, and shook his head saying no more. Silas was sure that had earned him a good thrashing next time they sparred, if either of them survived (this day?).
The pleasant feeling [Silas had] quickly rolled away[,] as three lines of infantry fully *crossed* [over] the river.
* consider marched or something like that – crossed could make some readers forget all about the ice!
* yes, I’m really finicky today!
Most were mercenaries[,] and peasant soldiers, (or) what his father liked to call the[,] ‘meat’ of the Rebel army.
The lines marched [bellow](below) [their](who exactly because we have a lot of groups around) position[,](.)
* not sure this is really needed?
Silas was to charge the back of the enemy while his brother led a sortie from the camp[;](, and) they were to hold until the King’s army joined them.
[Suddenly there was a](A) horn blast(ed) (unexpectedly) from in the camp[ and](. Followed shortly by) a shower of arrows [fell](falling) among the unsuspecting rebels. [Silas could hear their screaming](Their screams) carried on the wind, [it sent](and send) a chill through him.
The lines of rebels let out [a] shout(s) and [began to] surge(d) forward [toward the camp].
He angled his spear lower as the trot turned to a full gallop and then a charge[, some](. Some) of the rebels began to turn [hearing](when they noticed) the sound of hooves over the sounds of fire and battle. It was too late[, the](. The) charge bit into the back of the formation and drove into it. Silas felt his spear pass through a man(‘)s back [as with was](and) wrenched loose from his hand.
* believe the technical review term for this would be “hard core”! That must hurt!!!! Make it double hard-core!
He drew his sword, and slashed down at another man who had been knocked back by a horse. Blood coated his blade[,] and arm[,](as or while) sweat poured from his brow[, his](. His) breathing [was] ragged, [and] Silas had never felt better.
He cut the hand off a man running towards him with an axe, and reversing the blade [he] sliced [him across] his unarmored gut. Despite their superior numbers(,) faced with fire[,] and a charge of [50](fifty mounted warriors) [horse](,) the rebels broke and made for the river. Silas grabbed a great horn and blew a blast into it(.) [as](As) one his men turned and broke away from the tangle [of men at](. Their full gallop[, sending](sent) chunks of frozen turf into the air
* not sure who is galloping here, Silas’s men or the rebels?
The sudden retreat of the horses seemed to [have some] change [over] the men[, some](. Some) continued to run, but others cried out (the) names of companions[,] or simply just cried as they ran after the horsemen, mad with blood.
As the company came together(,) they slowed (their) pace, keeping just fast enough to avoid the men afoot. [Then, as] Silas and his men neared the hill[;](and) [ they] spurred their horses hard(,) leaving their pursuit to struggle on after. Silas blew his horn again[,] and a volley of arrows sprang from the trees [and landed](, landing) among the tired rebels. Silas called a halt (a little way up the hills to)[, and] re(-)organize[d] his men[, a little way up the hills,] while the archers fired again. [To his eyes Silas could see](Silas’s gaze followed?) at least 300 men running through (the) arrow fire, wait no, 298, two had just stumbled, and succumbed to wounds.
* funny as!
He called to a nearby man, Donnel [he thought].
* I don't understand, isn't Silas sure his name is Donnel?
“Yes(,) [M](m)’lord?” Donnel asked, breathing heavily, an arm hung limp at his side[,](.) Silas eyed him up and down once before saying anything[,](as) another volley [leaving](left) the trees[ and](,) striking [at] the scattered men.
“Gather up the wounded and bring them back behind the archers[, then](. Then) tell Brigon to hold as long as he can, [and then](before he and his men) scatter through the woods and pick off men [where he can](at will)[,] [be](Be) ready to ride away if it [go’s](goes) ill.”
[Silas said, the] (The) man nodded and began calling for those with wounds to ride up with him. Silas now had [40](forty) riders in good condition, and his bowmen('s quivers were still full.[ seemed to not be running low on arrows].
“Orders Lord Tyrn?” [He](he) called, holding [up] his spear in (a) salute.
Silas closed his eyes for a moment before speaking[,](.) “Once the enemy is [100](one-hundred) yards away[ spilt](, split) one [Unit](unit) [for](between) yourself and [one for] me[, ride](You and your unit go) [out and] around and come up from the rear[, funnel](. Funnel) them towards the river if you can[, be](. Be) prepared to break away and charge again, we’re light enough to pull away if need be.”
* break your sentences into shorter sentences to resemble orders being given during a battle
[Silas barked in his best commander voice, the one he had always practiced when he had been younger.]
* I don't think this is needed if you use the shorter sentences – I don't think the back info is required right now and it only serves to interrupt the flow of an otherwise tight action scene!
The decision [had been] made[,] and the troops ordered, [Father](his father) would have been proud[,](.) (Even) Ser Rollin might [have even been](be) proud, (but) it was hard to tell.
The Rebels [had] organized(repositioned) into a tight box formation, holding their shields high as they advanced. [The Rebels](Their) marched quickened as they neared the [horseman](horsemen), roaring in high voices, they sang as the(y) broke out into a run.
At [100](one-hundred) yards(,) Silas blew a blast on his horn once more(.) [and the](The) blast echoed through the trees, and the forest seemed alive with the sounds of answering calls. The [Rebels](rebels) * unless it's their name name* faltered and hesitated, fearing that they had again been [lead](led) into a trap(.)[, and great knights with their fell lances lay just in the woods]*can the rebels see them? Consider letting them rather appear in the scene than having the rebels guessing?*
They nearly fell back when Silas and his men rode past their left, hurling spears into their unprotected sides. They turned to protect themselves(,) only to be taken by another rain of black arrows (from where?). [The Rebels were in confusion,](Confused, the rebels) half broke off to fight the horsemen [and](while) the other half [split] continued along towards the hill.
Silas met the other half of his company, and immediately blew a blast on his horn to sound the charge[,](.) [from behind](Behind) him(, from)[ in] the direction of the fort, there was an answering blast.
His brother had won the other side of the fire and was on his way.
* not sure what is meant by fire in this context?
Silas spurred his horse harder, finally smashing into the line of rebels like a scythe through grass. He slashed at all sides[ and found](finding) [a] target(s)[,] (and) mowing them down with frightful ease. Suddenly there was a sharp yank and Silas was flung from his saddle. He hit the ground[,] hard(,) [and the] (his) breath [was] blown from his body.
Silas *glanced* the blow aside with his shield and [brought](drove) his blade strait into the man’s throat.
* not sure glanced is the right word here ... can't think of the right word at the moment though, sorry
[Everything seemed to move so slowly to Silas, he] (He) parried a blade aimed at his head and bashed the swordsmen’s face with his shield. A large man with an exe brought it down hard on his shield and splintered it[,](.) Silas fell back(,) roaring in pain, and [tossing](tossed) the wreckage [of his shield](or consider the wrecked pieces of his shield) to the ground.
*Suddenly* a great pain ripped through the young commander’s head and he fell to the ground[,](.)
* need another word here – I think you've used it a couple of times already
[ a](A) man [stood](halted next to him and towered)[towering] above him [holding](,) a stone masons hammer (raised above his head or in his hand).
Silas wasn’t looking at the man[; he](. He) was looking above him into the pale light of the stars.
* consider letting the reader know much earlier it's night – up to this point, the sun was shining very brightly in my mind!
* make it clear that Silas fell on the ground (fall back isn't enough)
[They shimmered above just as brightly as any other cold winter night, but they seemed so bright and lovely to Silas at that moment.] A strange calmness came over him[, and](as) he [noticed](turned his eyes to) the man [with the hammer,] poised to strike.
Silas [simply] poked him in the belly (with his finger or maybe something more substantial?)[, and](As) [he](the rebel) hell forward[.](,) Silas gained his feet(.) [ staggering](Still staggering), [and then he saw the] (another fiend charged forward or some such)[ man] with [the](an) axe. Silas [avoided the heavy stroke, and] danced to the side, before poking [him](the blackguard) in the kidney.
The man fell as well.
* try to incorporate a thump or something
Then Silas drew his dagger in his left hand, and with his sword in his right he roared with laughter.
* Silas is a bit bloodthirsty!
[Silas](He) ran towards a small group of men[, feeling as if he were in water, he](and) was on the first one who stabbed out at him with [his](a) sword.
[For a moment Silas closed his eyes and took a deep breath.]
* no time for drama! Silas is a bloodthirsty pro!
[ Silas ducked](Ducking) to the side[ and](, Silas) drove his dagger into the man’s bicep(.) [, the](The) man shrieked and let his arm hang limp. Silas turned aside another sword, and again stabbed at a soft part.
Soon the men who fought him found themselves unable to defend against the strokes of Silas. [They](One) fell, and then two more, and then [five](another)[,](.)
Silas laughed as he danced among them, dealing death all about him. The Rebels broke for the river in a rout, as his brother finished off those that were left on this side of the river.
(For a moment,) Silas stood[ there for a moment while there were](with no foes left to fight, laughed once more, and fell.
Here is the bigger picture advice .... according to me anyways!
- I'm not sure whether you use only a few, and very long, paragraphs, or whether the site's formatting played up. If it's not the latter, you need to look at your paragraph lengths and vary it much more. A google search (site like writersdigest.com as well) will give you heaps of ideas how to address this. If it was the site, and you're doing all of this, then we're good and please ignore this one!
- Try and minimise -ing words, I'm not saying you can't use it at all (you'll notice I've actually suggested to use a few), but if you can avoid an -ing word, rather do so
- Always read your work and look for instances where you can get rid of words as far as possible, keep it short and direct as much as you can. As for the above, this is not a "you shall do this always" suggestion, but cut words that don't carry their weight and don't make an impact
- Avoid the semi-colon if you can and rather just split the semi-colon connected sentences into two separate sentences. This is probably a suggestion that falls in the always category, but if you must use semi-colons, the general rule is to use one per novel and no more. It's tricky to get it right and in general readers don't like it
- In general, rules are made to be broken. But it needs to be done for a good reason and with intent, otherwise it might come across as grammar/punctuation mistakes. As you've probably notices, I couldn't identify any reason why you'd want to do that. Personally, I've decided to leave cute party tricks like this to other authors, so I stick to grammar and punctuation rules as a rule. But if you have done it on purpose, it would still need a lot of work to bring the reason and intent for doing so across.
As I said, it may look really bad. But I hope it helps and that you realise I do have good intentions behind this review and I didn't crush your soul and now you never want to talk to me again. I know how it feels! You should've seen my first reviews .... it was way worse and I'm not kidding. Some of the very kind reviewers had to send me emails there were that many things to fix ... But I've listened and I've learned and my writing is better because of it (a little bit, I'm still a work in progress too).
So yeah, just keep on writing. It gets easier over time and the nits/suggestions also get less and less as you go on! I promise!
Cheers Janet
I'm a big fan of semicolons, colons, and em dashes. I use them heavily and like to think I use them well. My advice is not to fear them, but to use them so well they pass by unnoticed, doing their jobs. That same advice applies to copulas, repetition of words, and many other things that the Quik-Fix purveyors advise you to banish.
I urge you to hunt up a copy of the 1970's edition of Strunk and White and read and re-read it diligently. It will be costly in dollars and cheap at the price.
Oh, and you should see how I just ripped up Amy_s's recent chapter in Dictates of Faith. And after she took what I suggested, I did it again! My excuse is that I was telling her how I read the story: not as it was written, but as it lay latent in her first version.
Regarding blanket advice about copulas, 'ing'-uffixed words, and such: it is important to understand the grammar they represent. Ignorance leads to 'English teachers' marking down auxiliary verb constructions and copulas with predicate adjectives as passive constructions. Such people do great harm. Knowing the words that describe the grammar lets you discuss it, but first you must learn to see the 'logic' that it follows.
He's terribly proud of himself for tearing me a new one :-)
(Sniff. They grow up so fast! Sniffs again and blows nose in hanky.)
It was helpful, BTW. First one let me fix the construction items that were distracting him from the big picture. Second review was for content.
Hey, what's a copula? I keep reading that word and thinking of a window-room/ lookout on the roof of a house (Cupolo, I've never seen the word in print, so I have to guess at the spelling.)
No this is all perfect, most people I give it to just say it's good and move on. And I bloody know my work needs to be ripped apart to be anywhere near close to good.
Copula, aka copulative verb, aka linking verb: a verb form that is a part of 'to be'.
Don't confuse a spelling that is a copula standing alone with the same spelling used as an auxiliary verb. Don't confuse a gerund ('ing' form used as a noun) with a present participle. Don't confuse either with the present continuing tense.
njc with all due respect, sometimes I have no idea what you're talking about, beyond the fact that it's speeding right over my head.
But you should know! Otherwise you become one of those imbecile English 'teachers' who take points of for "He was late," because it 'is passive.' That is not in the passive voice. It is not in the active voice. There is no voice. The sentence's predicate is a copula with a predicate adjective ('late').
Grammar explains how the Legos of our language go together, just as structural mechanics explains how a building stays up, or cost accounting explains how a business pays its bills.
Irving Berlin never learned how to read music. Only a genius could succeed as he did without learning the formalities of the craft. But John Williams, an inspired workman, gave us the Star Wars music, using what he learned from predecessors greater than he.
No this is all perfect, most people I give it to just say it's good and move on. And I bloody know my work needs to be ripped apart to be anywhere near close to good.
I take it then we're still good?! Phew, because I really don't ever want to be the reason to make someone give up and stop writing. I really mean well, so pls take it as such!
No, if anything were are better than good, I've gotten nothing but fantastic feedback.
No this is all perfect, most people I give it to just say it's good and move on. And I bloody know my work needs to be ripped apart to be anywhere near close to good.
The only virtue in tearing it apart is the chance to build it better.
Your most prominent flaw is your sentence grammar. Fixing it is a matter of learning mechanics. It may not be as much fun as the expressive side, but it will be easier. Your work has a -lot- of strengths on the expressive side, but people will be distracted from them by the grammar glitchen.
Do your reviewers a favor and start working in the reviewing economy. We'll understand if your first reviews feel awkward. You'll learn what you have to offer, which may be different for each author and maybe for each work.
Oh god I feel so awkward trying to review stuff, never sure the right things, cause your guys' feedback is always so.....magically fantastic?
I want to tell a story, not win literary awards. I want people to read my story, I don't want them to stop mid sentence or mid paragraph to wonder whether I know the rules and broke them deliberately, or worse, have them stop reading because they (as in the average reader) don't know the rules and decide (in ignorance) my writing is shit. So with everything in life, you need to strike a balance. And that balance is different for everyone. So write for your audience and their capability too.
Don't take this as me saying writers me included now don't need to continue learning and improving, just saying that everyone is applying the rules differently and no one is right and no one is wrong. Hence the disclaimer of my review - it's my suggestions but your choice!
Those reviewers that only say good things also have their place in the sun. They're good to have around when every other review rips your baby apart. Until one day, when they say "again good writing loved it but I'm just wondering about this little thing" and drop an atomic bomb exposing something you've completely overlooked! Although their bombs also leave a massive crater behind, it doesn't spread radioactive nasties, only the lovely scent of flowers and peace! They're good like that! And it usually happens around chapter 5-ish, so be warned!
You will get many more reviews if you post to a points group. And with more reviews, you sometimes pick up patterns that's hard to ignore. But most of the time it's very contradictory which doesn't make life easy, but the improvement and growth you'll get will make it worthwhile!
The flowery and radioactive combined is a lethal combination though! That's what's good about this site!
njc with all due respect, sometimes I have no idea what you're talking about, beyond the fact that it's speeding right over my head.
With njc, google and wiki are your friends! A national library wouldn't go astray either ....
Oh god I feel so awkward trying to review stuff, never sure the right things, cause your guys' feedback is always so.....magically fantastic?
*steps aside and pushes amy, njc and K forward*
I'm with shearluck! 
Mercy even for Pooh Bah! (Yes, you can google that epigram.)
I just checked. The For Dummies series has a book on English Grammar. It has several, actually, but there's a main one with good reviews on Amazon. There's another book there, The Blue Book of English Grammar and Punctuation, that also looks quite promising.
Fantasy/Magic & Sci-Fi → The Hollow Man
