1,301 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Jealous anyway. I realized it had to be close to you when I saw the map. Gid's country. What a view!

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1,302 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Everybody? Could you read the revised first chapter of Dictates. Anybody who does gets a cookie...

One para impression only. Any takers?

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1,303 Reply by Elisheva Free (edited by Elisheva Free 2016-04-23 00:07:27)

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

My first impression is that everything is so darn short. Sentences, paragraphs, events. It's such a neat chapter, I want it to be longer. Especially the last scene with Tir. That character pulled a Houdini and popped up out of nowhere (I think he did that last time I read chapter one, but it didn't seem as bad). Overall, I think I like the original better than the rewrite.

Also, your formatting makes for lots of space between lines. Not sure how that happened.

Do I get my cookie now? wink


-Elisheva

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1,304 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Over-improved.

Sorry to bear bad news, but the flow of info to the reader has lost things, and the narrative feels much more constricted (to me) than the earlier versions.

Unless you say nay, I'll do a proper review in the next three to ten hours.

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1,305 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Elisheva Free wrote:

My first impression is that everything is so darn short. Sentences, paragraphs, events. It's such a neat chapter, I want it to be longer. Especially the last scene with Tir. That character pulled a Houdini and popped up out of nowhere (I think he did that last time I read chapter one, but it didn't seem as bad). Overall, I think I like the original better than the rewrite.

Also, your formatting makes for lots of space between lines. Not sure how that happened.

Do I get my cookie now? wink

-Elisheva

I will do the review before 0500 Eastern time, but I think it's more than brevity.  Much of the grace and flow were sacrified, while low-value words (IMO) were added.  The narrator doesn't reflect Alda as well.

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1,306 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

I'm interested in your thoughts on what to add back. What you remember that mattered to you. I'm practicing how to edit...and I think that thinning to the bones is a good start. Then adding detail back into the story can be used to build it up. If nothing else, I can go back to previous saves and find the version/ reinstall it.

A

Macadamia nut, lemon squares, chocolate chip, and oatmeal cookies for everyone!

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1,307 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Okay, it's up.  I suggest getting something with lidocaine in it for the wounds.

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1,308 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Fah on youze. What does not kill me makes me stronger.

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1,309 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

amy s wrote:

I'm interested in your thoughts on what to add back. What you remember that mattered to you. I'm practicing how to edit...and I think that thinning to the bones is a good start. Then adding detail back into the story can be used to build it up. If nothing else, I can go back to previous saves and find the version/ reinstall it.

On reflection, I disagree.  You want to cut the fat, but not the muscle.  So the trick is learning how to tell muscle from bone.

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1,310 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

We have such differing perspectives, it is hard for me to tell what you think of as muscle. It isn't something that I can look at and figure out, for the same reason that we-agree-to-disagree about the detail I ask for in your stories. Hmm. I'll integrate the changes from your latest review and see if I can change your opinion.

My goal is to thin. Then amplify. I recognize and agree that it reads too fast and the effect is choppy. My next rewrite has the goal of editing for meter and pace. To do that, I need to add the poetry back in.

A

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1,311 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

It's not just meter and pace.  It's the character painting and the humor and the felicitous expression--and the balance between all the elements.

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1,312 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

I might have time to paint tonight. Let's see what I can pull off.

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1,313 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

I suggest pulling the old version up and setting it side-by-side.

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1,314 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

I've added more notes on the review.

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1,315 Reply by K.

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Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Oi! Could ya write the final chapter before all these drafts of the first so I can make more usefull comments?

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1,316 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

I'm gonna channel my inner Tazar and nickname you, 'Kramp.'  As in style.

And yes, I've go the outline (I used an outline…gasp!) for the next two chapters. I'm doing that at the same time. I'm a multi-tasker. Happy?

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1,317 Reply by K.

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Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Never.

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1,318 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Amy, drop the 'There was a joke in there' and put the next sentence in IM.   Six words.

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1,319 Reply by njc (edited by njc 2016-04-25 04:49:57)

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Remove the bucket of ice.  Put the chanting back (barebones).  Go back to the demon-chase, or even use the word Horror (TBD!)

Try to include 'The Lady Behira had to notice her now'

Whatever I suggested for the movement, try to use 'a dance of combat' instead.

The chance to do something good is worth trying to keep, even as IM if you have to.

Jaylene's scream is important, methinks.

"You charged me with her safety ..." is, IMO, more important than who saw Jaylene first.

Those are the things I would work hardest to restore.

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1,320 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Thanks for the time you've spent thinking about this. Changes are applied and posted.

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1,321 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

Much better.  Review this afternoon.

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1,322 Reply by Elisheva Free (edited by Elisheva Free 2016-04-25 18:28:48)

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

So much better! And Tir is no longer Houdini. smile I have no complaints, so I'll leave any further poking and prodding to the experts.


-Elisheva

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1,323 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

You are an expert, milady. Thanks for the thumbs up. The timing is perfect before a long night holding back the trauma flood.

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1,324 Reply by njc

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

'emblem' instead of 'stanchion'?  Or did you mean 'Standard'?

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1,325 Reply by amy s

Re: Acts/ Dictates/ Mandates/ Mantle - Amy's Thread

I meant stanchion as in 'pillar' of Behira. Something that holds up the roof and protects her.

Too fancy for Alda. I might take it out.

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