Topic: Unbar's World of Books Thread
I figure it is time to start my own thread here. I gots things I wants to discuss.
- Unbar
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Speaking of, at my last writer's conference man of the authors discussed the need for an elevator pitch for your book. For those not familiar that is one sentence describing the coolest part of your book. I would love to hear yours. To kick it off I am still working on mine but it goes something like this, "15 year old boy is sucked into a book and becomes the main character with real world consequences." What do you think and what is yours?
- Unbar
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Very good K, I may steal some of that.
- amy s
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
I need two sentences. Dictates: "Jaylene is a priestess who saves her best friend from jail: together they combine forces and uncovers a threat to her goddess and everyone she holds dear. They journey into a series of underground caves…where magic is real and even the gods are in danger."
Acts: "Anver is a mage forced to run a a school of magic, surrounded by other teachers who want nothing more than to see him fail. He finds a secret room, and this leads him to discover an ancient evil within the walls of a place he calls home."
Mandates: "Kha is a mage who is dying after a cave-in that kills his apprentice and scatters his friends to the wind. In the process of healing, he finds the love of his life, a woman named Sil. Now, he just has to save her from herself…and everyone else who wants to kill her."
As to your pitch, Unbar, here are a few thoughts. Change 'sucked' to 'pulled'. Then say, 'beomes the main character in someone else's story…with real world consequences."
How is that? Thoughts?
- Elisheva Free
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Ack! I suck at summaries, but here goes...
Twin girls Maya and Vierra and young Dragons Noi and Dea find themselves at the center of a war where all may not be as it seems and their very existence could mean the difference between victory and genocide.
As for yours, Unbar, I really like K's version. Either way, it makes me want to read the book. 
-Elisheva
- njc
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Elisheva Free wrote:
Ack! I suck at summaries, but here goes...
Twin girls Maya and Vierra and young Dragons Noi and Dea find themselves at the center of a war where all may not be as it seems and their very existence could mean the difference between victory and genocide.
-Elisheva
I think this sells your story short. The key element is the linkage between the human and dragon twins, a linkage by nature and politics.
7 2016-03-01 03:18:39 (edited by Norm d'Plume 2016-03-01 03:32:28)
- Norm d'Plume
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
amy s wrote:
I need two sentences. Dictates: "Jaylene is a priestess who saves her best friend from jail: together they combine forces and uncovers a threat to her goddess and everyone she holds dear. They journey into a series of underground caves…where magic is real and even the gods are in danger."
Yawn. This doesn't draw me in. I haven't read it, so I can't suggest anything better. At a minimum, drop the bit about jail unless it's a major part of the story and character arcs.
Acts: "Anver is a mage forced to run a a school of magic, surrounded by other teachers who want nothing more than to see him fail. He finds a secret room, and this leads him to discover an ancient evil within the walls of a place he calls home."
I would have loved to know this up front. It clearly defines the scope of the book. I would have stopped asking you what the quest was. Was this in the book summary? If so, smack me.
Mandates: "Kha is a mage who is dying after a cave-in that kills his apprentice and scatters his friends to the wind. In the process of healing, he finds the love of his life, a woman named Sil. Now, he just has to save her from herself…and everyone else who wants to kill her."
Kha's apprentice is killed at Earthwound? He had another apprentice besides Anver? As far as Acts vs Mandates, I don't recall a lot of backstory in Acts that summarizes Mandates. Again, if it's there, smack me.
What about your fourth book?
I assume I'm about to get smacked.
8 2016-03-01 03:41:27 (edited by Norm d'Plume 2016-03-01 03:57:08)
- Norm d'Plume
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Apparently, I need two sentences as well:
Into the Mind of God is the story of two teenagers who are visited by a being who calls himself God and who leads them on a galaxy-spanning quest to save mankind. But is God a real deity or the imagination of two mentally boys?
- Norm d'Plume
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Elisheva Free wrote:
Ack! I suck at summaries, but here goes...
Twin girls Maya and Vierra and young Dragons Noi and Dea find themselves at the center of a war where all may not be as it seems and their very existence could mean the difference between victory and genocide.
As for yours, Unbar, I really like K's version. Either way, it makes me want to read the book.
-Elisheva
I like it.
- AJ Reid
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
You're missing something or someone K .... mmm, wonder who and what? I don't know ... If I did, I'd give you a clue ... Now that I think about it, it's time for a cattle prod. I haven't seen a review from you in a long time ... *wiggles eyebrows and squints at K* How far away from Edmonton are you? Double the distance, and it's still not enough when I get mad, real mad ... *just kidding!* maybe-ish *grins*
Speaking of keeping them short, in my world, I need the person to go to the 50th floor and I'm pushing ALL the buttons ... Best I have is like 4-5 sentences ... which is a blurb, not a pitch. grrrrr, so I need all the time I can get. But I'm still working on it ...
- Norm d'Plume
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
I like the first four. Based on the last one, though, that book must really suck. Also, it's "nova" fire, but I quibble.
12 2016-03-01 05:35:10 (edited by Norm d'Plume 2016-03-01 05:35:34)
- Norm d'Plume
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
K. wrote:
-.-
Too funny.
- amy s
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
DIrk,
I left the fourth book undone because the story is still in flux. You are safe. No smacking allowed.
At least you approved my summary of Acts. That in itself is a huge plus for me. The last time I did this, I realized my pitch had nothing to do with the plot of the book :-) No joke. That part has been fixed in the past rewrite. And no, there isn't a lot of summary in Acts that summarizes the Earthwound. I figured this was Anver's story, so I left that part out.
Since you approve, I'm going to add the summary of Acts to the header. Time to update that part. Thanks Unbar!
OK, kudos to Dirk for his summary. He was the only one who actually used the name of his book in the elevator pitch. That is something we all need to correct.
- Elisheva Free
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
K. wrote:
Twin girls and a pair of dragons find themselves caught in a political vortex, as mankind and elvenkind teeter on the brink of war.
Appreciate the assistance, K, but this is waaaay off. 
I'm not 100% on all my plot details yet, so most of it is subject to change. But hey, at least someone likes my crappy summary. Thanks, Norm!
-Elisheva
- amy s
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Here is another attempt for Dictates.
In Dictates of Faith, Jaylene comes back from the dead, a sure sign that the goddess needs her. But for what? The same day, someone tries to kill her. But who? As the plot is revealed, she will need the help of a friend to unravel the answers. They journey into a series of underground caves…where magic is real and even the gods are in danger.
Still boring?
- amy s
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Elisheva,
You said, "Twin girls Maya and Vierra and young Dragons Noi and Dea find themselves at the center of a war where all may not be as it seems and their very existence could mean the difference between victory and genocide."
Here are a few things I suggest:
Genocide of who? This is the big one. I'm assuming dragons, but this isn't clear. If the dragons are the focus, then I would just say, 'Twin girls and two young (why capitalize?) dragons named Noi and Dea find themselves at the center of a war between their species. All is not as it seems as the four friends fight to avoid a world without dragons."
- njc
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
amy s wrote:
Elisheva, go to bed :-)
This is our time of day!
19 2016-03-01 10:07:15 (edited by njc 2016-03-01 10:10:31)
- njc
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
When her shop is invaded and her husband kidnapped, a village sorcerer and her daughter are forced into adventure in the Worlds she left behind, Worlds threatened by social upheaval and secrets buried for thousands of years.
=Children and Beasts= is the first book of =The Sorcerer's Progress=.
- amy s
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
Hmmm maybe, 'forced into a life she left behind, requiring that she travel between worlds and unbury secrets hidden for a thousand years. Note that there is no hint about Shogran. He should be in here somewhere.
21 2016-03-01 13:00:38 (edited by njc 2016-03-01 13:07:39)
- njc
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
The secrets won't come in this book, and the pitch is too short to paint in any of the tapestry--and still too long.
Note the power of the passive voice. I spend no words on Shogran. If there is a kidnapping there must be a kidnapper.
ThousandS of years, plural.
Melayne left the other worlds behind; Merran didn't. And it's not quite what she left behind. The rot--the upheaval--is spreading.
- njc
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
amy s wrote:
I need two sentences. Dictates: "Jaylene is a priestess who saves her best friend from jail: together they combine forces and uncovers a threat to her goddess and everyone she holds dear. They journey into a series of underground caves…where magic is real and even the gods are in danger."
The dead Jaylene is brought back to life to rescue her friends, her goddess, and the world from an evil that seems to reach everywhere.
Acts: "Anver is a mage forced to run a a school of magic, surrounded by other teachers who want nothing more than to see him fail. He finds a secret room, and this leads him to discover an ancient evil within the walls of a place he calls home."
Anver, assistant to Master Mage Kha, is forced into ever-expanding responsibilities, saving his school, his Master, and maybe the world, when he is forced into a task that uncovers an ancient evil--and leads him to find love.
(Oops, deleted Mandates)
Master Mage Kha should have died with his friends in Earthwound. When his recovery is incomplete, he seeks help--and finds healing, power, love and danger, all gifts of the godess he despises.
- Norm d'Plume
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
amy s wrote:
Here is another attempt for Dictates.
In Dictates of Faith, Jaylene comes back from the dead, a sure sign that the goddess needs her. But for what? The same day, someone tries to kill her. But who? As the plot is revealed, she will need the help of a friend to unravel the answers. They journey into a series of underground caves…where magic is real and even the gods are in danger.
Still boring?
This I like. Who is Jaylene, btw? Your summary is worded as if we should already know her.
Here's a variant:
In Dictates of Faith, one in a series of four books, a character named Jaylene is brought back to life by her goddess to unravel a mystery where magic is real and even the gods are in danger.
24 2016-03-01 22:00:52 (edited by Elisheva Free 2016-03-01 22:02:18)
- Elisheva Free
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
njc wrote:
amy s wrote:Elisheva, go to bed :-)
This is our time of day!
I don't even get off work until 10pm.
As far as the summary goes, I've decided to deal with it once I'm done with the first draft. Until that point, most of the plot is subject to change anyhow.
-Elisheva
- njc
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Re: Unbar's World of Books Thread
It's not a summary, it's a pitch.
