Chloe-Nio16's thread

Thank you, Amy!

I have 7 chapters done of the second draft, I uploaded them in Chloe.
-Nicole

Thank you.  I will try to work that into the first chapter.

That is an interesting idea.  Thank you.

Hi All,

I am hoping someone can provide me with assistance. I have reloaded my first chapter which I updated after receiving the following feedback:
While the opening paragraph is strong, overall this scene is a poor choice to open on. The tension is almost nonexistent when we haven’t built up enough of an emotional connection to this character yet, which means a perfectly good near-death experience is wasted at this point in the narrative. Weaving exposition into the action (as you do frequently here) is often the best choice, but right now there’s too much of it.  There are too many terms/place names we have no information on, which is just bleeding away from the tension you’re trying to build. Stilted sentences in the most crucial scenes (when he breaks his leg, for example) contribute to this problem. If you want to keep this as your opening scene despite the difficulties, definitely pour your effort into making your sentences as crisp and powerful as possible. You don’t have a lot of time to get our heart rates up, so don’t waste a single word in these pages. More sensory details might help in this regard, as currently Skrune’s pain and fear feels distant.

I want to open with this scene because it leads right into the next scene which introduces the main character- it shows who Skrune is because Chloe will inherit her powers from him and at the same time, Skrune's soul will go inside Chloe after he dies.

I would love to get some feedback regarding the updated chapter ... were the updates effective in alleviating the concerns? Do you have any other suggestions to make Skrune feel less distant . . . or any suggestions in general?

Thank you! I appreciate any feedback!

-Nicole

Sorry for not mentioning, but I had updated the first chapter of Chloe.

Veggies and Meat

You raise ask this in my review.  I'll give you the best answer I have right now, since I'm still learning.

The most important thing is to keep to one topic at a time, and to organize your topics so that you move logically from one to the next.  So, with rare exception, you don't make a stew.  You serve the meat and veggies on the same plate, but separate.  Sometimes you do garnish the beans with bacon, or the beef with scallions, but you do so with a light hand.

Descriptions of setting go at the start of a scene, or in a break in action within a scene.  You can add adjectives here and there ('a grey rock', 'deep, ominous shadows', 'rushing brook'), but you need to respect the pace of the narrative.  If you were a storyteller giving the story orally, would you be speaking expansively or driving forward?  Shape your topics and your phrase, sentence, and paragraph structure around that pace.

A couple of specifics out of the review:

It's not that their scent is pallid.  It's that the word 'scent' is pallid (which is why I quoted it).  'scent' is a milder word than 'aroma', 'aroma' milder than 'smell', 'smell' milder than 'reek'.  I'm not sure that any of these is quite the word you want, but hounds follow scents.  People recoil from a stench.

You can give us a clue by describing them as a swarm or using a verb that describes hive-like behavior.

But by genericizing them, you're leaving that column for us to fill in.

Ironically, if it were 'power' (singular) the question would be different: what special power does Skrune have?

I'm not suggesting an information dump.  This reader would like a clue or a tease.  What power(s) should he have.  (Don't tell me.  List them out yourself.)  What would he want to be able to do in that situation?  Why?  What would he try to do?  What would the result be?  If his action should result in a glowing finger, why?  What is it indicating?

Now, how do you tell us that in the fewest words?  Does the effort tire him further?

My confusion here is that you say he hopes =they= are safe.  The kobold chatter reveals danger, and since the last safe/endangered question is about the teammates, that's the first place I try to attach the danger.

You write 'sound of kobold chatter'.  What does 'sound of' contribute?  For me, it makes the kobold chatter more remote in the presentation, and I read it as being more remote in the physical layout of the scene.

Instead of moving the kobold chatter to the object of  'of', why not present it directly as 'kobold chatter' or 'chatter of kobolds'?  'chatter' is a strong, colorful word, and if you don't hide it behind the preposition, it and the kobolds can support some garnish, that is, some description.  They practically ask for it.  'sharp chatter' or 'short, swarming kobolds', or 'angry kobolds' or ... .

Well, I don't play soccer.  Not a sports guy, and the only 'flow' sport I even remotely care to watch is hockey.  That said, what kind of guy is Skrune?  Does the rise of adrenaline make the deadly threat into pleasurable excitement?  Does the exhaustion cancel it?  Is it 'not one more job to do?', which would call forth a sigh?

Does Skrune believe that he's in real danger of death or defeat?  If not, then he might sigh.  But if his eyes are darting for an escape or focussed on a threat to be defeated now, I don't think he'll sigh.  He might draw a deep breath in preparation.

As I write this, another question comes to me.  What is Skrune trying to do now?  Escape?  Escape to where?  How?  What event will mean safety?  What event will mean success for the mission?  What event will mean failure?  Aren't these essential parts of Skrune's circumstance, and don't they define his options and give meaning to his choices?

You don't need to answer these explicitly.  But people, even desperate people, act with purpose and intent.  We can't understand them unless we have some glimmering of both purpose and intent.  Discovering (revealing) purpose and intent is a major storytelling tool.  What is the villian trying to do?  How is this move going to help the hero?

Classic example: A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.  The bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a pistol, and points it at the man.  The man pauses for a moment, says "Thank you," turns and walks out of the bar.  What just happened?  This is a brainteaser, but it is also a story, and the key to the problem is discovering for yourself purpose and intent.

Hope this helps.

OK, I have a few thoughts for you as well.

Back to the basics...You've chosen a reveal from an outside viewpoint to show the problem within your world. Skrune has been murdered and this is how.  (but not why, I might add) Then there are a few vingettes from the school where they wonder who is going to get Skrune's orb, and then (as I remember it) Chloe is the viewpoint for most of the book.

This parallels Harry Potter, where the story starts with an infant Harry being delivered to his new home.  (Not something that he would ever remember) Then the majority of the story then flows out from Harry's perspctive.

I contrast this with what I remember from the book, Heidi. The MC is informed that her new home is with her grandfather and shipped up to the Alps to live with her grandfather.  I don't remember a talk amongst adults in the beginning.

So you're debating the layout of Chloe and feel that the story flows better from Skrune's death.

Good points: It lets us know the stakes.
It lets us know that the world has magical critters
It lets us see the limitations of the orbs.

Bad points: It makes us expect an aggressive world when the first book is more of an adjustment to the new life as a Preases. The dwarf threat doesn't come into play until maybe the last half of the book (if I remember correctly)

It takes us out of the YA 'softer' reality and has a man running for his life and then dying.

It has nothing to do with the first third of the book other than affecting conversation.

This said, I wonder if you would consider having the beginning of your book start with picking up the orb. It is the formative moment when everything about Chloe's life changes. It keeps the momentum but doesn't have a big reveal about the overall plot. That leaves us to learn about the world as Chloe does. As well as the threat (which she is unaware of for most of the first...eight chapters)

Just thoughts. Hope they help you put your choice about the first chapter in perspective.

A

I've started Mandates with Kha riding up the mountain. Everyone told me it was boring and didn't advance the plot. Then I had the hook of Kha being terminal and going to visit Airen for a last hurrah. People told me a dying sick guy was depressing. Then I flipped everything and showed the Wolves working together. Everybody said, "Huh? What does this have to do with the plot?" Then I went back to the beginning and Kha is talking to a friend who died in the Earthwound and I showed what magic is like.

But I'm still back on the mountain. K wants me to add a talking critter with a tail to emphasize that this world isn't all about humans.

So my next flail on the first chapter will probably involve an attack on Kha (with critters) as he struggles to defend himself, transition to the entry to Aerie, and then the third chapter will be Airen aiming her bow at his head.

In other words, striving for the best first chapter will make your book. Don't go into what you've tried. Instead, give me some other ideas where you could start this in a different place. Ideas?