WIP Where Heaven and Hell Meet by Mariana (Page 2 of 3)

About Helga and Athens:

Athens appeared in the first chapter, but she's not supped to be there anymore, that's why Sheriff Norm's suggestion about either Athens or Helga alternatively controlling the body, or even talking to each other inside the body they both occupy, is not possible. I don't want the reader to connect with Athens, the girl who wanted to commit suicide, because she's not the main character and there's no story arc for her. Helga is the MC. Helga is the one who will learn and grow. Patrick is also supposed to learn and grow, so in the end I'm not completely sure who is actually the MC, but the idea is everything rotates around Helga, who ends up learning and growing following the YA literature unwritten rules.

Besides, within THIS story's cannon, there is only one way for a demon to abandon a body in which he is trapped: spontaneous combustion. As explained before, the demon cannot leave the body, the very reason why he is "trapped". If the person dies, the demon will remain trapped in the carcass. There's one only chance for the demon to escape from the body: if for some reason the person is in dead peril, for example, in danger to be run over by a car, the demon's self preservation instinct  will try to save him. But the demon is trapped, remember? So, his instinct fuels him to escape before his host is dead and thus the demon abandons the body of his host amidst a sudden combustion. From an eyewitness perspective, it would be spontaneous combustion. Of course, the human being will die, despite he is actually run over by the car or not. The spontaneous combustion is so violent his body ends-up turned into ashes.

Once free, the demon is so weak he remains on the spot previously occupied by the person who is now ashes. In that moment he acquires a physical form and is visible. This is the right momento to seize him, like the ghostbusters did with ghosts, and lock him in an appropriate dungeon whence he cannot escape.

The above is the only way for Helga to leave Athens's body. If the reader has connected with Athens as a character, once Helga leaves her body (and she will, it's part of the story) Athens would die. The reader's perception would be Helga murdered Athens. Even if Athens would voluntarily give her life encouraging Helga to leave, I'm not sure if the reader would end up feeling sympathy for Helga. The reader would feel much more sympathy for Athens who's just gave her life for the greater cause, and I want Helga to be one with whom the reader connects. it's not Athens's story, it's Helga's.

As I am writing this, the above is not sounding that bad to me. I mean, I hadn't thought of it until now. CJ comments have just made me think. Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to rewrite the story following the above lead. I'll think about it.

Thanks CJ for stirring this vein (dunno if this is properly written/conveyed in English, but it would be in Spanish).

Kiss,

Gacela

Hi Gacela,
Just saw your message about bundling. It's a really nice offer and I'm so grateful you thought of me, as that sounds sooo good! But I'm not sure what I'm going to do with Being Fifteen. It's still a work in progress with a lot of improvement needed and I don't think I'll be moving it forward any time soon.
It will be really interesting to hear about your experience of self-publishing, though, and if I can help in any other way, please do let me know!!

I've just added three chapters. My intention is to explore deeper into Helga + Athens relationship and to better explain Helga’s motivations. I found a weak point there: if Helga could leave Athens’s body at any time she wished, why didn’t she did it as fast as on page 3 of the story. There ought to be a GOOD reason. I’m trying to make sure such reason exist. Because if not, why should a 3000 YO half-demon care about a bunch of high school kids?
Hope you may find some time to check these chapters and share your opinions with me.

Kiss,

Gacela

I heard Cj. She thinks Helga and Athens shouldn't be friends. As the story evolves Helga is not a demon.  She is good kid, she helps Melissa, saving her life, she explains to Patrict the brotherhood is the evil.  Hell she is the hero of this story, of course she can befriend Athens. This is YA. You need a hero, you need friends. Helga needs to be a true friend to Athens through this book.  The big problem that is driving Gacela crazy, she has Athens in the story subogated, and Hega and Anthens...you don't know whose mind is doing the talking. The only solution, is they talk to each other. They, after the shocking realiziation they are in the same body, start WORKING IT OUT.  And become friends in the process.

I'm here to ask about Chapter 27 - it's the one I most recently reviewed. Since leaving the review, I've still been thinking about the chapter, and the main thing I'm thinking is - was that chapter really necessary? I don't think it told us anything other than that Buchanan is planning the magic show. The voices of the teenagers in this story are the most interesting since it's a YA story, so I'm not sure if it's necessary to have a chapter focusing on the two adults of the story. Even though Oxford acted like a teenager by chewing gum in front of the principal, he isn't one, and I think the focus should be kept on Helga/Athens, Melissa, Patrick and that bully (I forget her name). Oxford is only really interesting when he's with Helga. You're really strong at doing teenage voices, and the plot moves along at such a good and energetic pace when you're focused on them.
Just my thoughts for you to use/discard as you please!

Suin:

Thanks for your observations. I agree with you. The chapter is not needed at all to advance the plot.

However, I wanted to show Oxford out of context, that is, away from Helga. I was wondering why she fell in love with him. Then, I recalled why I fell in love with somebody years ago. It was because of his personality. He had a strong one. He used to stand in front of people who tried to abuse not only him but other people too. On top of his charm (he had a lot, just like your Hugh) he always stood his ground.

The only purpose of this chapter was to show Oxford standing his ground in front of Buchanan. By this time, Oxford is fed up with Buchanan, who behaves like a bully, is tyrannic and disrespectful. Oxford makes Buchanan wait because he feels it not proper to summon him like Oxford were Buchanan's servant. In the office, Oxford's attitude is challenging. A young man showing an older one who is a bully he's not afraid of him.

Having said the above, do you think the chapter works?

Kiss,

Gacela

CJ:

The problem is there are no other chapters where Oxford and Buchanan interact, except for a very short moment the day Buchanan arrives at the school first time ever. At that point, there is evident tension between the two of them. Fast forward to the very last chapter. They meet again there, like Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader. They've turned into enemies and it seems it happened so because it is convenient for the plot. From my standpoint, it looked quite far fetched. So, I decided to write this short chapter where they clash again.

Also, as I noted before, I think it's not right that Oxford exists for the sake of Helga. Why should she have fallen in love with him if he's only her appendix with no personality at all? So, this short chapters shows part of Oxford's personality: he holds his ground in front an abusive boss, he is devoted to his work as a responsible person should, and he shows a strong personality. Helga fell in love of all those qualities. 

Kiss,

Gacela

Okay, Gacela is going to extremes in this story, so much, I don't know what to tell her. And she knows it.  But she hasn't settled on how to resolve it, at least considering the whole story. I've had a story like that. The Saga of the Mighty Valentine.  what you do is start at the beginning, and rewrite it chapter by chapter.  And be ever so careful that Helga comes out looking like a saint. And Mephisto jumps in as the evil one who trys to destroy Helga's plan, more so, than even the Brotherhood.  And then in the end trap Mephisto into the Brotherhood.   And Athens, the one who lost her life, which Helga actually saved, at last, to save her friend Melissa, and destroy the brotherhood, and trap Mephisto into the Brotherhood trap ,sacrifices her life to save the world.  You have gold. Just take the dirt out of it.And it will shine.  You have stumbled upon the great arc of storytelling, unawareness.  Helga is unaware of Athens life, Athens is unaware of  Helga's life.  Let each one talk to each other. Let them become friends and SHARE their life together. I've been saying this over and over, and Gacela hasn't commited to it. i guess it easier to see it from afar, than in the mind of the writer.

Mariana,
Even though I can't reciprocate- please don't pull it from the site- I'd like to just read it and get ready for the next book in your trilogy. It will be easier to review the next one if I know how this one goes. You can just leave it visible to this group if you don't want any other reviewers to look at it.
I'm really sorry for being so slow. Been a busy year.
CJ

that's so exciting you're going to publish this year!! i'm sure a lot of people will enjoy your story.
Where Heaven & Hell Meets is a really, really nice name! I wouldn't change it at all! But you could emphasise it a little more within the story to connect it to Helga's character.
I'm going to be offline for the next few weeks, but if i think of anything else, i'll be sure to let you know as soon as i'm back!

Thanks for your comments, Suin. I agree with you about Patrick. I've already started doing some edition of some of his parts.

Kiss,

Gacela

Mariana,
Referring to your comment about my comment and prepositions. OMG- do mot even think about getting depressed. You write beautifully in a language that is not even your own. I can’t even grasp proper comma use. Prepositions are tricky. I studied French for 5 years, got to Paris and fell apart. Couldn’t get out of the train station and no one at the kiosks would help. Though they had no trouble helping the woman speaking German. I just think the didn’t like Americans, but, then who could blame them? Your grasp of English is outstanding. Don’t feel bad about minor shit, that’s what your “close friends” are for and what we miss or screw up, your editor will catch. Just tell that awesome tale, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
CJ