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Thank you KHippolite,
I do have problems setting the picture and incorporating time and location which mostly feels like "veggies" to me. I will try to work it in better. It is modern times and they are on Earth.

I like your suggestions and will work through it.
Skrune does die and I think I will edit it to make it obvious and connect when Chloe gets her power (which is by a dragonfly) by incorporating the image of the dragonfly leaving Skrune when he dies.

I like your stylistic opinion and think that is a great change.

"Since you're using a rather hands-off narrator, you might even get away with saying her eyes flashed with challenge or some such."
I like your suggestion; however, one crit I have received before was mentioning something about Chloe's eyes when this is through her viewpoint and it is not possible to see her own eyes.

Hi All,

I am hoping someone can provide me with assistance. I have reloaded my first chapter which I updated after receiving the following feedback:
While the opening paragraph is strong, overall this scene is a poor choice to open on. The tension is almost nonexistent when we haven’t built up enough of an emotional connection to this character yet, which means a perfectly good near-death experience is wasted at this point in the narrative. Weaving exposition into the action (as you do frequently here) is often the best choice, but right now there’s too much of it.  There are too many terms/place names we have no information on, which is just bleeding away from the tension you’re trying to build. Stilted sentences in the most crucial scenes (when he breaks his leg, for example) contribute to this problem. If you want to keep this as your opening scene despite the difficulties, definitely pour your effort into making your sentences as crisp and powerful as possible. You don’t have a lot of time to get our heart rates up, so don’t waste a single word in these pages. More sensory details might help in this regard, as currently Skrune’s pain and fear feels distant.

I want to open with this scene because it leads right into the next scene which introduces the main character- it shows who Skrune is because Chloe will inherit her powers from him and at the same time, Skrune's soul will go inside Chloe after he dies.

I would love to get some feedback regarding the updated chapter ... were the updates effective in alleviating the concerns? Do you have any other suggestions to make Skrune feel less distant . . . or any suggestions in general?

Thank you! I appreciate any feedback!

-Nicole

Thank you.  I will try to work that into the first chapter.