ESTABLISHING SHOT/TITLE SEQUENCE
SEE: FADE IN on a caliginous screen; an opaque Smell The Glove-esque album cover, void of color, and washed in the blackberry jam meringue of crepuscular none
HEAR: throughout the entirety of this melodious prelude
by THE ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA
from the album A NEW WORLD RECORD
music and lyrics by JEFF LYNNE (1976)
SEE: THE BIG BANG --a massive storm of kaleidoscopic color, blinding light, and exponential heat manifest as an expanding panoramic mandala
of breathtaking depth and breadth and beauty that staggers all five senses and renders the spectator stupefied and near catatonic in light of his own staggering insignificance no
matter how limited or mighty, insolent or influential, said spectator's individual purview may be.
0:24 -- 1:10
SEE: HUBBLE STUFF --gobstopping telescopic images of stars and nebulas and planets and moons and comets and asteroids colliding and crashing and smashing and taking shape amidst a swirling
array of fulminated gas and illuminated dust spanning millions of light years of intergalactic time and space. The camera should slowly pan out (as the musical bel
canto swells) and then --after reaching a galactic nadir of sonorous pomposity-- swiftly zoom in to focus on the serendipitous formation of Earth's own solar system before
coming to a profound conclusion upon our cloudy blue orb itself and the protein-rich prebiotic consommé that, once ignited by lightning, gives life itself the ways and means to flourish
and infest and infect and...
1:11 -- 1:18
...imagine a slow-motion tracking shot from a moonraking astronaut's POV that targets our planet in synchronicity with the descending violin étude and ascending snare roll
whilst (somehow/someway?) implying the passage of time and the slow but sure affects of Darwinian Evolution. An ever-narrowing perspective beginning with the western hemisphere, northern
hemisphere, North America, East Coast of America, Tampa Bay, Florida...
1:19 -- 1:34
SEE: CAMERA DISSOLVES to a close-up shot of a single human spermatazoon as it begins its epic and arduous, dog-eat-dog salmon run from ejaculate insemination to
Note: We've only got about fifteen seconds to encapsulate this seminal process before the next descending/ascending musical bridge cuts to conceptual cognition and lyrical verse,
so... We'll need to utilize time-lapse photography and high-tech special effects to comprehensively convey our intrepid jizz and his mindless sense of desperate and heroic urgency to get
jiggy with it as his herd is thinned around him.
To wit: "He who is not busy being born is busy dying" and so... Sixteen-million tiny but tenacious fish-tailed Myrmidons fend each other
off whilst navigating the fallopian womb's anti-ballistic missile system until only our potential paragon is left swimming for the right to plant a fig and a flag and
ultimately become a somebody worthy of a brain and a name.
1:35 -- 3:06
SEE: STILL ART AND STOCK FOOTAGE-- forgoing filmic depictions of in-utero gestation (because unless there's an extended disco remix of TIGHTROPE that I don't know about... time
and rhyme won't let me) the optics will drastically/dramatically culminate/fulminate into a sudden/rapid-fire montage of images depicting major historical/cultural events --triumphs
and disasters-- that have impacted and defined the path of our protagonist's late 20th to early 21st century life span. From his improbable birth to his current stillborn insolvency.
So far as it all fits in neatly with that jaunty main musical riff, juxtaposed by the largely cynical lyrical content of the song, of course.
Think Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire, but with a solipsistic edge to it. Starting with the botched assassination of President Ronald Reagan (in March of 1981) and
going on to include, revere, and ridicule people, places, and incidents like:
A) Royal wedding of the Prince and Princess of Wales
B) Attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II
C) AIDs epidemic
D) E.T., Darth Vader, Indiana Jones
E) Sally Ride/Bill Gates/Steve Jobs
F) Michael Jackson moonwalking/Madonna being a virgin/Prince just being himself
G) Bill Cosby/Michael J. Fox/Magic Johnson/Arnold Schwarzenegger/Joe Montana
H) Bernie Goetz/Ivan Drago/Gaddafi/Gary Coleman
I) Bhopal/Chernoybl/Space Shuttle Challenger/Falkland Islands
J) WE ARE THE WORLD/Freddie Mercury/Band-Aid/Bono
K) Michael Jordan/Diego Maradona/Mike Tyson/Jerry Rice
L) Soviet-Afghan war/Osama bin Laden/Margaret Thatcher/Oliver North
M) Roger Rabbit/The Simpsons/Baywatch
N) Berlin Wall/Tiananmen Square/Nelson Mandela
O) Vinyl records and cassette tapes/CDs and DVDs/Tipper Gore
P) Gulf War/Bush/Gorbachev/Milosevic
Q) Rodney King/Oklahoma City/Dalai Lama
R) Bill and Hillary/Newt Gingrich/Bob Dole
S) Waco/WTC bombing/World Wide Web
U) Seinfeld/Friends/The Matrix/Pulp Fiction
V) NAFTA/TWA 800/Monica Lewinsky
X) Columbine/Y2K bug/Bush v Gore
Y) Letterman, Leno, SNL
Z) September 11th
All of these images should be interposed and interspersed, by whatever means, with a cartoonish sense of Monty Python-esque irreverence for neo-classical/Greco-Roman
idealism. The overall effect should be equal measures evocative, inspring, terrifying, uplifting, and cataclysmic; corrupted by the relative lack of black/gay/female/plebian representation.
Instagrammable revisionist fin-de-siècle grandeur. Fireworks, in other words.
3:07 -- 4:14
SEE: The Dark Ages of the Bush/Cheney administration, beginning with:
A) Shock and Awe invasion of Iraq
B) 43rd's Mission Accomplished declamation
C) Beltway Snipers
D) Space Shuttle Columbia
E) Operation Iraqi Freedom
F) Saddam Hussein
G) Same-Sex marriage
I) Bush re-elected
K) Troop surge/Virginia Tech
L) Venus and Serena
M) Subprime Mortgage Crisis
N) Barack Obama elected president
O) Tea Party/Fox News/Jon Stewart
P) Justin Timberlake/Beyonce/comic book movie people
Q) Fort Hood
R) Royal wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
4:15 -- 5:06
S) HEAR: "When I closed my eyes, I was so surprised... Somebody had thrown me down a line"
SEE: extended footage of Marine Private John Hamler's dramatic helicopter rescue from the war-torn ruination of northern Iraq.
End of Overture
You wanna know what, though? On second thought, and now that I think about it? It's a nice song and all, but...
Indeed, forget this whole entire exorbitant/on-the-nose/up-its-own-ass/cock-schlocky onanistic ode to pop-culture exordium.
It ain't my style, nigga.
Nor yours, I presume...
© Copyright 2019 John Hamler. All rights reserved.