1 (edited by Bobbie.R.Byrd 2019-04-20 01:55:57)

Topic: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Hi everyone.

New girl on the block here. I've only been here a day or so, and am still finding my way around. I got a wonderful review from Dirk B., along with an invite to check out this forum. So, here I am.

I look forward to getting to know you guys and gals. I live in the backwoods of Mississippi, so I don't run into too many folks who take writing as a serious profession. Of course, based on the review I just read that totally ate my lunch (which I loved and needed, by the way) maybe I should get a refresher course of two. big_smile

I have posted the first chapter of my debut novel LADY SILVER: Warlock Chronicles, Book I. If you have a moment, I'd appreciate your opinions and advice.

I posted a fairly detailed "about me" on my profile, but the Cliff notes version is this: I am an old fart, set in my ways, have a potty mouth that could make a sailor blush, and am just about as opinionated as they come. I'm also cute, fluffy and total wuss when it comes to a good scifi/fantasy/horror novel.

Hope to see ya around!

~Bobbie~

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Bobbie, since the emperor is going to curse like a sailor, perhaps the admiral could reflect on that. Something like 'His tantrums are so tiresome.' or similar to tell the reader that the emperor is intentionally a 2D character, at least at the beginning. Making him a drug addict adds depth, but consider giving him other characteristics that go with addiction. Is he rail- thin? Bags under his eyes? Trembling? Etc. Also, how-long acting is the drug? He seems to go from calm to outraged and back quite a bit. If that's the result of his fix/withdrawal, this is another thing that the admiral could think about. Things like 'Looks like the first dose is already wearing off.'

Them's my thoughts.
Dirk

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Why, thank you, Sir Dirk. I shall take your suggestions under advisement.

My son told me that just because I have a potty mouth, that doesn't mean all of my characters need to have one! I'm taking his thoughts under advisement, too. LOL

Thanks!

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Chapter two doesn't "hook" until they start shooting the drone. I dare suggest it's the crux of the chapter that the chase occurs. It's at this point we feel danger and have some idea who to invest in.

In your next pass, you might want to consider the first 10 or so paragraphs. The reader is still warming up to the tale - the faster you can get the hook out, the better. Establish the sell character at all costs. Opening with the metaphysical will prove expensive because you will leak readers. Simple ordering issue

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

re Name repetition... I've noticed that we human creatures use names differently. For example, there's a guy at work who puts my name in almost every sentence even when it's just the two of us in the room. It seems entirely reasonable that characters will likewaise name each other

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

It must be annoying to have someone call you Kdot all day long.

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Kdot wrote:

Chapter two doesn't "hook" until they start shooting the drone. I dare suggest it's the crux of the chapter that the chase occurs. It's at this point we feel danger and have some idea who to invest in.

In your next pass, you might want to consider the first 10 or so paragraphs. The reader is still warming up to the tale - the faster you can get the hook out, the better. Establish the sell character at all costs. Opening with the metaphysical will prove expensive because you will leak readers. Simple ordering issue

Hi Kdot. Thanks for the input. I have reordering the sequence in that chapter on my "to-do" list for edits when I run back through.

Appreciate the thoughts!

Bob

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

In addition to the problems with using humans to dig, really mining from a surface is gonna be dead the moment we develop cheap space travel. Asteroid digging would become highly rewarding.

Ah, but what could humans be used to do by an evil futuristic society intent on making slaves? It's hard to say-- humans might not even make good pleasure slaves once you can make a convincing android that doesn't get STIs. I think Matrix was onto something using people as a powersource provided you have a way that people can make a unique energy that can't be easily created otherwise

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

I poked through V2 a bit... didn't see enough to comment. New errors have been introduced, but I'll leave it to the syntacticians to corral. One thing to note is that V1 had ok pacing. It would be ideal not to lose that in revisions

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Kdot wrote:

I poked through V2 a bit... didn't see enough to comment. New errors have been introduced, but I'll leave it to the syntacticians to corral. One thing to note is that V1 had ok pacing. It would be ideal not to lose that in revisions

Thank you, kind sir.
I've taken care of the mining problem you mentioned earlier, too. You were right. It needed changing. Good call.

Bobbie

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

As for the skipping to the action, I undertstand that. Guilty of it myself

Actually more useful than staying in the existing energy-level is ensuring you're hitting POVs the reader is interested or invested in. If you can get investment, you're good as gold. I have a post pending in a different thread where you guys can watch me drop the ball on this.

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Alharic has been weighing on my mind significantly. Specifically how to coax more of a dramatic high out of him. May I ask if you're planning to keep his demise where it is (roughly) or considering moving it? How you answer this will guide my thoughts about a possible solution

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Hey K.

I'm probably going to keep our beloved Emperor's demise as is in the story line. He's gonna fry, no doubt. I may add a bit of gruesome to it, as in Omhara tortures him a bit before he totally engulfs him in flame. I had a couple readers suggest that the asshole died to easily. But I haven't decided yet. I'll make up my mind when I get to that scene on this edit.

I've also been told by a few reviewers that I need to tone down Ahlaric's love of potty-mouth language. I considered it, but that's part of the degenerate nature of his personality. He's a total asshole, foul mouth and all. So I don't see the F-bombs going away. As I've said before, this ain't no children's book.

I'm glad to know you're pondering on my bad boy. He's a character that has to be right for the book to work, so any insights you care to offer are greatly appreciated.

Bobbie

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Oki... I went away and did a lot of thinking about it. Here's what I see.

a) Ahlaric pulls a Mace Windu death: He appears in the scene - poof dead - story goes on as if he's unimportant
b) As I note in my review, he gets a free pass-- kind of dying quickly after a night of partying.

For point (A): much of Windu's issues is the disconnect between his actions and his fate. Really, his game-changing actions (slaying Janga Fett) should have been daisy-chained to his passing. By not doing so, you have this odd character doing weird random things then dies randomly, and is forgotten (and unavenged - who would want to avenge such a random?)

Consider Windu: Helps Anakin (child) survive. Leads the Jedi against impossible odds at the coliseum. Slays galaxy's most feared bounty hunter-- the one they clone super soldiers from. Challenges the emperor personally. Dies relatively easily falling out a window.

Consider Ahlaric: Man breaks the empire. Orders the extinction of a planet. Carries it out. Orders a genocide. Watches his people crying for help and laughs in their faces (and dances). Dies quickly while sleeping off a drug-induced haze.

If you can see the parallel, here are some related thoughts:

1) Ahlaric has no time to regret his actions. Sleep - pain - dead.
2) The people he hurt do not return the favour. The events he set in motion do not cause him any distress or fear or worry.
3) Even the servant he abused doesn't technically get revenge since he's possessed.
4) He should do something directly evil in book ii (eg not evil by neglect but actual evil). Imagine sitting down to watch the latest Batman, and in the first major villain appearance, Batman shoots him in the head and says "that was for what you did the other movie"
5) (Related to #4) the slaying of the villain should be by a protagonist. It is okay if that protagonist is then slain by Omhara. Be prepared for people to love that protagonist and really hate Omhara.

Note 5 is a classic wrestling concept "Put One over". Heels turn on heels all the time, but they don't defeat each other (except heel-to-face turn). Heels turning on each other allows faces to take wins. Heels love beating up faces once the face thinks he's won

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Kdot wrote:

Oki... I went away and did a lot of thinking about it. Here's what I see.

Now it's my turn to go away and do a lot of thinking. You make valid points but I'm going to have to do some dissecting and pondering, along with some 'cussing and discussing, to come up with a workable solution here.

So....hold that thought....I'll get back to you.

Thanks for the insight and input, K. You da man!!

Bobbie

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Hmm actually I wouldn't recommend that route. It causes further issues such as the main characters having to watch another main die. This can be done, but it will overshadow everything in the style of Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite.

The least footprint way you can do it is add a paragraph in the capture scene where she's dragged elsewhere and puts up some fight (boots an alien in the head etc. WHen she somehow gets a thermal grenade and tugs at the pin intending to take the aliens with her when she goes and - [ cut scene]. Then proceed with events as you have it and Bastion finds the arm with the finger in the pin. It's not much but it remoes some of hte random from the death.

"Sorta random" as you have it is okay too, but it's not the promise that this book sets out with. For example, in Star Trek, the ship takes hits in a battle, and we know someone is in the hallway when the shots strike, but the show kind of promises that it's never a major character who dies randomly like that -- imagine Troi walking home from the gym and PEW PEW alien strike from space hits the hallway and kills her. Fans would scream murder (Troi-haters would rejoice).

Example: Random would perfectly fine in Bladerunner or Lexx (Remember where Giggerota is on a planet when the sun goes supernova. She glances at the sky, sees the wall of solar energy and zap! Random character death. No scheme to it - no fight possible). You hinted that's what you might be going for when Bastion says the ship keeps moving even when a crew member is lost. If you are headed that direction may I suggest another not-so-important person drop off in the fight with the space-tentacle-thing. This should be a character who has spanned at least five chapters and has some character development or attachment built with the mains.

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

Bobbie,

Don't start re-writing based upon one reviewer's (whose credentials are unknown) comments.

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

haha true. But when Lucas made Jar jar, he probably had 19 reviewers tell him that's great and 1 reviewer say that's annoying

Re: LADY SILVER - Bobbbie R. Byrd

For the record....I liked Jar Jar.

Kdot:
Re Glyndra's death...she isn't sleeping with a grenade so she doesn't have one when the aliens suck her over to their ship.
Glyndra's death is the catalyst that finally breaks through Bastion's wall around his emotions. Her death also gives Bryanna a way to make certain Bastion survives on Centralis. It does serve a purpose. T'Laan reflects on this in a later chapter.
Random death is a fact of life. It happens, usually when we least expect it.
I am going to edit the scene on the alien ship a bit. But Glyndra will still end up dead.
As for Ahlaric having an opportunity to regret his actions - that fucker never regretted a damn thing in his life. It was not in his nature. Would never happen.

Ray: sage advice, as always  :-)

Thanks for the input, guys!

Bobbie