Satan's Last Stand (the Connor series) - Dirk B. (Page 14 of 52)

I decided to revert back to the epilepsy scene as my story's opening. If I lose a few readers who want an action-filled opening, so be it (see above for details). I recall that the Exorcist took quite a bit of time to build up to the actual exorcism, so hopefully it will work the way I originally planned it.

Recommend you call that "Chapter 1 Scene 2" to help us keep it straight as complexity increases

ok... in that case, you might be best to omit the scene so you don't post "chapter 9 scene 6" when it's really chapter 3 scene 6

No, it'll be:
Chapter 1, In the Beginning, Scene 1
Chapter 2, In the Beginning, Scene 2
Chapter 3, Next Big Event, Scene 1
Chapter 4, Next Big Event, Scene 2
Chapter 5, Even Bigger Event, Scene 1
Chapter 6, Even Bigger Event, Scene 2
Etc.

Better?

"For the end of the world was long ago ..."

Nice! Mind if I use it? It's like the opening of a Star Wars film.

re the 2nd round of comments... There's no need (post Elizabethan period) to hide pain & suffering behind the curtain.

If your goal is to draw our attention to it, write it. Some actior will find you later and shake your hand for giving him the spotlight.

I did this hiding act in some of the early writes of VQ. I had [4 0 3] (my female ninja ballerina villain) at the end assigned to kill someone who she was told she was related to (but didn't believe it (and what villain politely requests DNA samples?)). I had the area around the mark coated in wet paint, then I showed footsteps in that paint at first showing haste (spread apart) then slowing, then turn away.

Implication: "someone" had rushed forward to make the kill, stopped, thought it over and changed her mind. Then a chapter later, I reveal the villain had paint on her shoes.

A few years later I was reading that complicated act and had a BFO. I was hiding the important part... that moment someone comes to deep, potentially life-changing terms. Why was I hiding it? To create a mystery. Okay, no problem. But it wasn't central to the plot. Many readers would have missed the connection.

This is what I see in the scene as you describe it. You've declared it's important your character sees the body and suffers a breakdown / moment of reverence. I see give the future director a scene with meat on its bones

PS: I'm still going to try to use the paint in VQ. Only as a way for a few smart characters to realize what happened. But I'll show the scene when I get there.

Edited to close that pesky double bracket

Change of plans re naming chapters. I can't possibly think of appropriate chapter names when there are two threads running through every chapter. My new scheme is similar to Seabrass's, only simpler:

Chapter 1 - Scene 1.1
Chapter 2 - Scene 1.2
Chapter 3 - Scene 2.1
Chapter 4 - Scene 2.2
Chapter 5 - Scene 3.1
etc.

'Chapter' above refers to TNBW chapter numbers. My numbering includes my chapter number and the scene number within that chapter. I probably won't have more than two scenes per chapter until I get near the end of the first book.

I assume you mean Charles. Yes, he's a wampa. No stormtroopers. Legionarii.

At the end of the day, the character is a priest. Regardless of whether or not you refer to him as one, the character will always have priestly qualities that may alienate some. The fact that this book uses religion as a major source of plot points will do that anyways. I wouldn't worry about people saying using the word priest isn't a good idea. If you have good characterization and char. development in your story, readers will learn over time to relate in some way, and will grow their own bonds with the characters. It's the same for when you read a book with a girl protagonist. I'm not a girl, so how am I able to relate to this character? There will be many things that don't make sense to me or will alienate me. It's unavoidable. I would say go for it.

Re my review:

What I've done here is shove C up front. He's kind of the topic of these two paragraphs. Originally he's kinda buried in the woodwork. Took out some of the location bits (is it relevant that the chapel is in the orphanage or adjoining it? Maybe even free-standing? Bigger / smaller? I suspect not relevant at this time). Dropped a "he heard" which will get the POV demons on your back, and played with words a little bit to remove an "eyes widened"

Nice changes. Thank you. The head-hopping police already nailed me for a few errors. I'll have to fix it before Seabrass sees it. Tsk.

It's amazing how similar Marilyn's and Temple's reviews are. They find the same stuff and even suggest the same revisions. I told them they may have been separated at birth.