1 (edited by Dirk B. 2022-03-02 16:30:49)

Topic: Thoughts on this prologue?

I'd be curious to know what others think of this new opening to my prologue. It's actually a sneak peek two weeks into the future at chapter 32. [This excerpt has been updated with changes from those who've commented so far.]

On the Sea of Galilee, a cool breeze raised azure-blue swells that glinted in the late afternoon sun. Father Romano and fourteen-year-old Connor led their tour group on a long walk beside the ancient lake. Rolling hills, startling in their beauty, ringed the body of water — silent witnesses to the events of two thousand years ago.

It was in these lands that Jesus Christ — God himself! — had walked the Earth.

Romano said, “What an incredible sight. This is where the Lord walked on water and stilled two storms.”

The group’s path lay close to the dirt-encrusted road, where their drivers followed in the SUVs. They stopped at a quiet rest area near the water’s edge.

Connor sat cross-legged on the ground, his back against a Palestine oak, and watched the sky turn orange with the setting sun. He whittled a fallen branch using the demonic dagger to which he’d become inextricably linked. The water lapped the rocky shore ten meters beyond his feet.

A black-winged, white-bellied bird shrieked as it circled high overhead.
“What kind of bird is that, Father Bianchi?” Connor asked the group's Holy Land guide.
The Franciscan friar looked up and squinted, then smiled. “That’s either a flying penguin or a pratincole. The latter are also known as locust birds because the insects are a staple of their diet.”
An eerie calm settled over the area as the wind, the lapping water, and the birds and insects grew still.
“That’s odd,” Romano said.
Connor rose and scanned the horizon, then closed his eyes in concentration, his brow furrowing. “There’s danger here.”


...


Romano and the others turned to face the demonic locusts, which had gathered their remaining numbers into a cluster — an attack formation. The insects curved up and away from the group, turned in an arc, and dove. “Here they come!”

As shown, the prologue ends with a cliffhanger, which isn't resolved until chapter 32.

Do you find this opening compelling?

Thanks,
Dirk

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Should drop the second "the" ^^

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Was it one or two storms that Jesus calmed? I actually found both one and two storms when googling. One reference said that both references are for the same story just different perspectives. So, this might be a minor point. Secondly, pratincoles don't really look like penguins, but I assume that this is all in jest so again not a big deal. Do I blame K.dot for these two items? :-)

I do like it and the last sentence is very good.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

"Hills, startling in their clarity, ringed the body of water, a silent witness to the events of two thousand years ago."
Hills is plural but witness is singular--I'm also unsure about the initial description. It sounds good, but what exactly does it mean? What's a startling clear hill? Well defined against the sky or water is all that comes to mind. Maybe the witness is the water, that would make sense singular/plural wise, but the sentence structure, with so many commas, is a little confusing.

"He whittled on a fallen branch..."
I'm unsure about "on" after whittled. It seems a little odd to me, "he carved on a fallen branch" might sound slightly more natural, if only because you can carve words or images on a branch, but whittling doesn't allow for one to carve an image/word onto one as its meaning is more specific.

"dagger with which he had once been stabbed."
Suggesting: the dagger he'd once been stabbed with.

Aside from that I liked it and saw no issues, definitely leaves on a note of suspense!

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

George FLC wrote:

Was it one or two storms that Jesus calmed? I actually found both one and two storms when googling. One reference said that both references are for the same story just different perspectives. So, this might be a minor point. Secondly, pratincoles don't really look like penguins, but I assume that this is all in jest so again not a big deal. Do I blame K.dot for these two items? :-)

I do like it and the last sentence is very good.

Good catch, George. Jesus still two storms: one after the apostles wake him from sleep in the boat and another time when he walks on water and reaches/climbs into the boat. Both are mentioned in Mark, so it had to be two instances.

As for the penguin reference, it was originally a jest K.dot made when he read the description of the pratincole. I liked it enough, I thought it would be funny to include in the scene.

6 (edited by Dirk B. 2022-02-27 19:27:39)

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Apricots wrote:

"Hills, startling in their clarity, ringed the body of water, a silent witness to the events of two thousand years ago."
Hills is plural but witness is singular--I'm also unsure about the initial description. It sounds good, but what exactly does it mean? What's a startling clear hill? Well defined against the sky or water is all that comes to mind. Maybe the witness is the water, that would make sense singular/plural wise, but the sentence structure, with so many commas, is a little confusing.

"He whittled on a fallen branch..."
I'm unsure about "on" after whittled. It seems a little odd to me, "he carved on a fallen branch" might sound slightly more natural, if only because you can carve words or images on a branch, but whittling doesn't allow for one to carve an image/word onto one as its meaning is more specific.

"dagger with which he had once been stabbed."
Suggesting: the dagger he'd once been stabbed with.

Aside from that I liked it and saw no issues, definitely leaves on a note of suspense!

Apricots, I changed clarity to beauty. I, too, am unsure whether witness should be singular or plural in the above. I could change whittling on a fallen branch to whittling at a fallen branch, although I'm not sure one is more correct than the other. However, he wouldn't carve into a branch unless it's thick enough that he could do so without the dagger slipping. One usually carves into a tree.

Thanks
Dirk

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Beauty makes more sense to me.

Why not just "whittled a fallen branch" with no on/at/other word?

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Apricots wrote:

Beauty makes more sense to me.

Why not just "whittled a fallen branch" with no on/at/other word?

Google agrees with you. Also, after rereading the sentence with the hills/lake witnessing several times, I think it should be plural, referring to both the hills and the lake acting as witnesses.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Apricots, since 'with' is a preposition, I was following the rule that one shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition, although I'm not married to it.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Don't end a sentence with a preposition is a Latin rule not a Germanic one.
We've imported the rule to the detriment of creativity

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Apricots's version is also one word shorter. I'll write it her way and see if some future editor squawks.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

My two cents for whatever help it can offer ~ Father Romano and fourteen-year-old Connor led their tour group on a walk alongside the Sea of Galilee, blue swells glinting with light from the afternoon sun. Hills, startling in their beauty, ringed the body of water, silent witnesses to biblical events from two thousand years ago.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Thanks, Jube. I'd like to keep the Sea of Galilee as the opening words. How about this:

The Sea of Galilee. A cool breeze. Blue swells glinting with light from the late afternoon sun. Father Romano and fourteen-year-old Connor led their tour group on a walk alongside the ancient lake.

14

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

'A cool breeze raises blue swells that glint in the late afternoon swell'

If you don't mind letting a preposition creep in front: 'On the Sea of Galilee, a cool breeze ...'

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Yes, better still. Thanks, njc.

16 (edited by Seabrass 2022-03-02 08:33:05)

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Hello. My thought is if the actual start of the story is compelling and draws the reader on, you don't need this Prologue. If you need this to entice a reader to delve deeper, then perhaps reconsider the opening to do that very work.

Disclaimer: I used a Prologue in my novel Terrorcruise but that was to show an event that happened years prior to the actual story's start. This event set the stage for the rest of the story. And I wrote the event from the antagonist's point of view. When I later had the protagonist recount the event, it was from his point of view and altered the perception of it. The actual start of my story involves a military assault, which gets the story rolling wellfully enough. If I needed to, I could delete the Prologue and not lose anything. But its inclusion does help the reader make sense of motivations.

So ask yourself, what does this Prologue do that the opening does not? If you're just trying to build excitement for what's to come, use the opening pages to do that. They're the ones that really count.

Just my mere humble opinion. I'm not for or against Prologues. But they should serve a unique purpose. Opening a story on a cliffhanger is not one I would advise.

Edit to add: Also, this details an event that happens late in the story. By including it right up front like this, all the threats the main characters face are rendered irrelevant. That they are alive here means they survive, relatively unscathed, all the previous dangers. Do you want to spoil your own story like that?

17

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

I'd still like to see it open with a complete sentence.  But if not, maybe move the 'late afternoon sun to the fragment: "The sea of Galilee, under the late  afteroon sun."  And yes, the comma is important: it hints that the modifier is non-restrictive.

18 (edited by Dirk B. 2022-03-02 16:28:18)

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

I updated the top of this thread a few days ago. Here's the latest:

On the Sea of Galilee, a cool breeze raised azure-blue swells that glinted in the late afternoon sun. Father Gregorio Romano and fourteen-year-old Connor led their tour group on a long walk beside the ancient lake. Rolling hills, startling in their beauty, ringed the body of water — silent witnesses to the events of two thousand years ago.

It was in these lands that Jesus Christ — God himself! — had walked the Earth.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

I stole the choppy intro from Picard...

Space. The final frontier. This is the story of...

20 (edited by Dirk B. 2022-03-02 19:03:06)

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Seabrass wrote:

So ask yourself, what does this Prologue do that the opening does not? If you're just trying to build excitement for what's to come, use the opening pages to do that. They're the ones that really count.

Those are my opening pages. The main difference is the top of the page says Prologue rather than Chapter 1. Admittedly, most prologues are set in the past, but a forward look is not unheard of.

Seabrass wrote:

Also, this details an event that happens late in the story. By including it right up front like this, all the threats the main characters face are rendered irrelevant. That they are alive here means they survive, relatively unscathed, all the previous dangers. Do you want to spoil your own story like that?

The title The Rise of Connor (previously Saving Connor) pretty much guarantees I'm not going to kill off Connor before the climax. The fact that the prologue reveals that Romano lives until that moment later in the story doesn't bother me. Besides, as you saw in the excerpt at the top of this thread, the prologue ends with a cliffhanger, which isn't resolved until chapter 32. For all the readers knows, I'm about to kill off the whole lot of them. Especially, if I write like K.dot. :-)

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

I've been in and around and up your ass at times, Dirk, but unable to follow thru. Just reading your opening... The most important thing, prose-wise, is to stay tense consistent. Since this is NOT a first-person narrative I would suggest you stick to past-tense prose. Aside from that, while I don't usually recommend opening with dialogue, in this case your most powerful line is:

"It was in these lands that Jesus Christ — God himself! — once walked the Earth." THEN you can describe the environmental situation. Right? I dunno.

Either way, and therefore, I think it's your bestest starting point. Oftentimes the simple rigmarole of re-arranging your rigmarole will do wonders for the readability of your rigmarole. If that makes any sense. Having said that, this is the least of your troubles. Trust me. I really enjoy writing opening chapters. I think I'm pretty good at it, actually. It's just the REST of the story I have a shitload of trouble conveying. So maybe we oughta help one another? I'm just afraid I'm too skittish at the moment to devote enough time and effort towards such a collaboration. Pity me and my foolishness. Or not. smile

Cheers

John

22 (edited by Dirk B. 2022-03-16 05:46:13)

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

Thanks, John. I prefer opening with the paragraph about the Sea of Galilee. I'm trying to evoke the grandeur/history of that land. Naturally, it's very important because Jesus lived there, but the story is about Connor. The prologue takes place during his pilgrimage to the Holy Land. For various reasons, Romano is the POV character, so he's named first.

On a related note, that opening has already been updated in the book with more changes based on feedback.

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

I'm not a fan of prologues, but I'll add my one cent (two cents assigns too much value to my input).

What is Romano's goal in the story? I don't think it's necessary for the prologue, but it gives me some context.

In the prologue, you've introduced the setting, the POV, the primary POV (Romano's), a little bit of the tone (subdued for a thriller), and the beginning hook (a cliffhanger). You do an excellent job of evoking the grandeur/history of the land, reminiscent of Michener (but with one page versus a hundred); however, your story is a supernatural thriller, and the prologue should convey the essential elements of a Thriller that carry over into the first chapter. Your first chapter has them, so why the prelude?

That's my one cent. If I add any more, I'll expect some change.

Todd

Re: Thoughts on this prologue?

While I like my chapter one (it introduces two key characters at a relatively relaxed pace), I prefer a pulse-pounding first few pages. Somewhat like the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark. My prologue and probably my chapter one are eventually going to be available for free preview online (eg on Amazon). However, some of the early chapters are going to change in the next draft, so I won't make a final decision until the book is finished. In the meantime, I'm using the prologue to hook potential reviewers.