The Adventures of Fuckaroo Cowboy

The Adventures of Fuckaroo Cowboy

  My parents named me Zorach. Blum was my surname. I studied in a one-room school taught by Rabbi Slonim. The chedar was where I learned the culture and laws of my people. Rabbi Slonim taught from the Gemara to me for many years. He taught my father and now he would teach me to become a rabbi also.

       I would walk from the subway to my father’s home after chedar. Above the train station was the "Western Terminal Station Inn." For many years I thought that was a strange place to bring the dead. I would try to peer into the blacked-out window but never saw a dead body. Finally, I gave up looking and walked to my home without looking at the sign or the window for many years.

       As I grew older, I was allowed to stay later with Rabbi Slonim. We would study from the Torah. The classes were longer and I had to memorize difficult passages. One night I had dinner with Rabbi Slonim and his wife. We discussed the treacherous nature of mysticism over dinner. It was dark when I took the subway home.

       The sign over the "Western Terminal Station Inn" was lit up, although the "T" and "S" were burned out. Some of the other neon letters flickered on and off. I never knew the sign to be electrical. I stood outside the door. The city was windy tonight; my earlocks were blowing in the wind. I never saw a dead body before and I was indeed curious. I decided to try the door. To my surprise, it pushed open!

        I walked in. The music was deafening. I could see many people dressed like cowboys. How I loved to read Wild West stories. I hid the books and read them on the subway ride. My father would have been extremely irate if he knew. I took a few steps in. I never thought I might be out of place because my excitement overtook the best of my reason.

       Suddenly I was grabbed by an immense man dressed like a sheriff. "Rebbe, you got to show me some ID. You twenty-one? Even if you are you shouldn’t be here." I later learned the term "bouncer." The bouncer worked for the house and kept order and checked for minors.

       I didn’t know what he was talking about at first. I was frightened. I thought maybe he wanted my twenty-one dollars. I pulled out my wallet and counted out the exact sum and gave it to him. He looked at me strangely and took the money.

       "Rebbe, you look like you’re twenty-one alright. Come on in and sit awhile." The bouncer spoke to me in a kinder voice.

       I took a few steps and was amazed at what I saw. There was a band playing music I had never heard before. It made me want to dance. I watched the dancers and emulated them. I hopped around a bit. I couldn’t believe I was having fun! I never felt this before.

       The other customers were laughing. I did not know that they were laughing at me. One young lady dressed like Annie Oakley came up to me and handed me a glass of beer, though I did not know what a beer was. I thanked her and took a drink. Bubbles! I liked the feeling of the amber liquid as it went down my throat. It tasted good. I thanked her and she laughed.

       I walked around the place and I saw a bucking bull riding machine. I read about the rodeo and how the cowboys would ride these brutes. These wild bulls could never be tamed and sometimes even killed their riders. An automated bull riding machine and oh, how I wanted to ride it!

       "Pardner, would you like to have a ride on the bucking bronco?" A shikse in full cowgirl regalia came up to me. She was smiling at me.

       Full of chutzpah, I answered, "Yes! I, I want to very much."

       She led me to the bull. I walked around it, remembering the stories how a cowboy would rosin up his hand and hold the bull rope with one hand. There! I see it - the bull rope! There is the saddle and the stirrups. I felt a surge of pride in knowing so much about cowboy gear.

        A crowd was forming while I walked around the mechanized bull. They were laughing. I knew this time they were laughing at me. I didn’t mind them laughing at all and I supposed all beginners fell off at first. The bulls were ferocious! I knew I could not stay on a live one for even one second as I would be bucked off and probably injured.

       I mounted the mechanical bull and put each foot in a stirrup. "Young lady, umh, miss can I have some rosin?" She looked at me incredulously and smiled.

       "Sure as tootin’! Pardner! Here ya’ go!" She gave me a small grey bag filled with rosin. Some of the rosin leaked on my pants. I would have some explaining to do with mother! I rosined up my hand and grabbed the bull rope tightly. I raised my left hand in the air.

       "Wait!" I looked where the voice was coming from. A shikse from the crowd came up to me. "Here ya’ go, Rebbe." She put a black cowboy hat on my head, covering my yarmulke. The crowd was cheering. "And one more thing." She planted a kiss on my lips. I never kissed a girl before. I was shocked. This was a day of firsts!

       I raised my hand again and swiftly let it fall. The bull took off. I was bucking in the air. My legs were in the stirrups, but I remembered that bull riding is about style. The bull angled downward, my hand still in the air; the bull angled upward and a quick strong buck! I felt it to my bones! I was lifted out of my saddle and landed hard back on. Lucky for me I have a shmekel. The bull then started turning madly! Turning and bucking, stopping suddenly and then turned the other way. Suddenly an alarm sounded. Strobe lights flashed on me. The bull stopped just as suddenly as it started.

       The cheering was deafening. The girl that kissed me came up and kissed me again. This time it was long. I was almost out of breath as I was seeing stars from the lack of oxygen when she let me go. I took a deep breath and looked at her.

       "You rode the bull on full speed for 16 seconds! That's the record. You were fantastic!" I was blushing all over. I knew then and there I wanted to be a cowboy. How was I going to tell father? That question would have to wait. Meanwhile an older cowboy came over to me.

       "Rebbe, that was a fantastic ride. My name is Jim Dooley, the owner of this place. Are you riding with anyone?"

       "Nice to meet you, Mr. Dooley. I don’t know what you mean. This was the very first time I ever rode a mechanical bull before."

       "You got to be kidding. You are a natural! How about we sponsor you. You can come here and practice for nothin’. Drinks are half price and I’ll throw in the equipment for free."

       I’d like nothing better. I loved the feel of the bull under me. Jim looked at me expectantly. The crowd was just as silent. They were waiting for my answer. My heart was just beginning to calm down and I started to feel a tremendous pain in my crotch area. I doubled over on the bull grabbing my shmenkyl.

       "….s" I barely got my answer out of my mouth.

       "What did you say?" Jim looked down at where I was holding my hands and started to laugh out loud.

       "Ye-es!" I got the word out.

      The crowd went wild! They jumped up on the stage area and started patting me on the back. Meanwhile the pain in my crotch noticeably lessened. I pulled my hands away. I was shaking hands again and again. The ladies were kissing me.

       Jim asked, "Rebbe, ya gotta have a handle. Ya got one?"

       "What’s a handle?"

       "A name, you know, like what you want to be known as," Jim answered.

       I thought about it for about a second. "Buckaroo Cowboy. That’s the name I want." I used that name in all my dreams.

       "Sorry, Rebbe, but that’s taken by the world champion. What the fuck, try again," Jim said.

        I often heard the word fuck used on the subway between young people. I never knew what it meant. Fuck rhymed with buck. That is it!

       "Fuckaroo Cowboy. That’s what I want my handle to be."

       The crowd was stunned. Jim was standing there with his mouth open. Later I learned that a roo was slang for kangaroo, the Australian hopping marsupial. I also learned what "fuck" meant. By the time I understood what the words meant, I was too well known to change my name.

       "Fuckaroo Cowboy. Okay?" Jim looked me straight in the eye. I nodded my head in assent. Jim walked over to the bandstand and grabbed a microphone.

       "Ladies and Gentlemen! I bring you The Western Terminal Inn’s own entry to the Tri-State Mechanized Bull Riding Championships, our one and only Fuckaroo Cowboy!!!" Jim pointed at me. "While staying on the bull for sixteen seconds on full power he broke the record at Western Terminal. Tonight a round of drinks is on the house in honor of our champion!" The crowd roared in approval.

       The girl that kissed me came over. "Hi my name is Angel. I thought you were wonderful." Angel was swinging her shoulders back and forth. Her blonde hair shimmered in the lights. I could see she was beautiful.

       "My name is Zorach Blum. I am glad to make your acquaintance. Thank you for the kiss. That was my fir-fir-first time. Well, na, na, no, my mother kissed me, but but that doesn’t count."

       Angel walked up to me close. She took both of her hands and held my face and gave me another long kiss. This time her tongue entered my mouth. I was shocked but I kept my eyes closed and kissed her back this time. I figured out I could still breathe through my nostrils during a kiss.

       Angel pulled away. "Zorach, I think I’m in love! Do you love me?" Angel took my head to her breast. I could hear her heart beating strongly. "Zorach! Zorach! Make love to me!" She pulled my earlocks hard, pulling my head back, and started biting me on the neck. Small insignificant little bites that felt so good. We could have gone on, but I was jolted back by the loud applause.

       I looked down to the crowd and they were applauding. Some of the ladies were even crying! I was embarrassed. I kissed Angel in front of all these people. I stood up full and held Angel around the waist. I started waving back to everyone. I took a few steps and I could feel the rawness around my crotch. Tomorrow I would surely be bruised all over the area.

       "I have to go, Angel. I’ll come back tomorrow after chedar." I could not believe I had a girlfriend.

       "I’ll walk with you," Angel volunteered.

       "No. I need to figure out how to explain to mother and father. I want to be a cowboy bull rider. I learned tonight I can be good at this. I also found you, if you want me." I added the last part while looking away from her. I feared her answer.

       "I think I am in love with you. Honest! Here, take my card. Call me. I’ll write my address and home phone on the back." She took out a pen from her purse and started writing. "Call me tomorrow at work. I get off at 5 p.m."

       I took the card and walked out the door. The sign was swinging in the wind. I looked at Angel’s card. Angel was a tarot card reader. She was one of those charlatan psychics fleecing the public! I felt deeply for the goy Angel. What was I to do?

       Noticeably limping I headed toward my father’s home.

Read the second part here.

Glossary:

shmekel - small penis

chedar - religious school

Gemara -  a component of the Talmud, comprising the rabbinical commentaries and analysis

chutzpah -  gutsy audacity

shikse/shiksa - young lady

rebbe - slang for rabbi

goy/goyem - word describing the non-Jew/pl.

© Copyright 2006 Doinmybestatlast

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