Content: science fiction

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To impress a girl, an ugly young man undertakes a robbery, and inadvertently kills someone. This sets off a chain of events which changes the course of history. This is an early work of mine which has undergone significant rewrites, and I am on the verge of sending it to market. I would like some honest opinions about its readability, characterizations, idea content, and literary merit (if any).

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Well... Here's the long awaited (hah) second half of my post apocalyptic story Ashen. The main character sets out on his journey across the desolate planet as an immortal. Let me know what you think of his thoughts on being immortal and his choices. I wrote this half and the first half quite some time apart so I'm not sure how well they'll fit. Have fun :)

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WHAT KISS DESERVES TO BE TRADEMARKED? You'll find out in this literate, comedic, romantic, aphoristic, ten-years-in-the-writing, sci-fi thriller. Only the first page is posted below, since that's all I need feedback on at the moment. I'm mostly interesting in sentence-level commentary, not global suggestions. Which lines catch your eye, for better or worse, and why? I put a lot of pressure on sentences to provide immediate pleasure to the readers, not just the accumulative thrill of character and plot development. Novels are often mostly empty space, wasting their readers' time by deferring pleasure through over-focus on plot and character development. Sentences, though, can provide immediate pleasure--as evidenced in "money lines," those beautifully struck sentences that, even in the best of writers, can be found only a few times a chapter. Novelists can do more to thrill immediately by putting more energy into sentences. You'll see what I mean in the brief descriptions of the main characters below (copied from the novel's opening chapters). If lines like these appeal to you, you'll enjoy the rest of it . . . because the texts is filled with 'em. :-) Maya Lyon: "Maya smiled, her face a feature-rich Brazilian package of calligraphic piercings, lash-black hair, museum-quality aquamarine eyes, and unretouched asymmetrical scars." Hannah Mays "[Hannah's clothes] were mostly shot up and torn off, leaving her body on full topographic display. Her muscles were ornate and well-detailed, a variable geography of curves and cables and shadowed cross-cuts that made regular bodies look like tube arms hanging from an egg foundation." Poor Tom: "Just sitting, [Tom] was a few amputations shy of sharing the circle Da Vinci drew around the Ventruvian Man; standing, Tom made Michelangelo's statuesque David appear like a previous species of underfed teen; and in both positions, his hands were notable, large enough to palm a liter of water and, of late, having been all over her." ----- As mentioned, I'm mostly interesting in sentence-level commentary, not global suggestions. Which lines catch your eye, for better or worse, and why? THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR COMMENTARY! ~john

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'CARAVAN TO HAVEN' Caravan To Haven is based in the post apocalypse world of my previous novel. It tells the story of a thirteen year old girl who undertakes a quest to rescue her mother from a band of men who invaded their camp, killing all the men, boys and babies and taking the women. Her quest becomes much more complicated than that.

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Tis my book pitch for the contest. Never wrote one of these before so... Be harsh if you must. I am trying to win after all, so if you see something you think should be fixed, moved, or obliterated don't hesitate to let me know. Also good feedback is always welcome. Let me know what you liked about it as much as what you hated. Thanks to those of you that commented already you've helped me a lot :)

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The year is 2110. His name is Neffs, Bowen G.: he is an American Soldier in the US Army's 75th Ranger Regiment. The world around him and his new wife, Claire has exploded in what amounts to a global scale civil war. Provoked by violence increasing over the years between ordinarily bred human beings and augmented GenIV genosculpts, the demand of the UN Security Council that the US Congress mandate loyalty tests for all genetically augmented service members prompts the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to publicly refuse this directive and calls globally for a forcible ouster of all complicit governments bent on this newly instituted form of slavery. Around the world, in a series of highly coordinated night attacks at various military and governmental facilities surprise and overwhelm incumbent forces and the violence spreads. Suprisingly, they are mostly bloodless, with the numbers of killed and wounded collectively under one hundred. The enemy proves to be surprisingly well organized and supplied, their careful and painstaking preparations having gone unnoticed over the years, supported by an unexpectedly large segment of the world’s civilian population. Serious delays occur while the President, House and Senate argue the suspension of the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878. By then, lines have been drawn and the declaration of hostilities formalized. A new husband, a new Ranger, and a new platoon leader, Bowen and the Third Rangers must fight men and women who share the same language, culture, history, and wore the same uniform at one point. The year is 2110 . . . and the world is at war. It is Gabriel’s War . . .

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Tallia Vairyn never wanted to be a soldier. Omenia Alonna never wanted war. But when an ancient power threatens to destroy everything their ancestors created, both must find the strengh and courage to rise to the challenge. Sometimes there’s only one choice you can live with.

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◊ - denotes telepathic communication. ≈≈≈≈Developing into a three part novel. Part 2/Chapter 5 - ≈≈≈≈ Part 3/ Chapter ? - The hero returns. ≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

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A lonely adventurer, self-exiled on his private planet, has his unspoken longing for companionship fulfilled by the unexpected arrival of an unlikely young man with an unlikelier proposition. This is my first post, and I appreciate any feedback at all. I've been working on scene structure lately, and would be particularly interested in comment on that. This story is more speculative fiction than science fiction. Thanks in advance.

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Almanecer is the story of Calvin Dunn, a man who lost everything he had been hard-wired to think he needed in life. Desperate for a new direction, he aligns himself with a scientist who might just have the answer. Calvin agrees to become a test subject for experiments which could benefit all of humanity, but a chain of unlikely mishaps & tragedies leave Calvin unconscious, cryogenically frozen in a capsule - with the entire world around him completely unaware of it. Calvin awakens in the year 2032, in a world more advanced than anything he could have ever imagined. Again finding himself drifting aimlessly in a world that had evolved without him, he discovers an incredible secret that could utterly change mankind forever...

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‡‡‡ HUMOR-SCIENCE FICTION ‡‡‡ THANKS! ¬¬¬¬¬ måx¬¬¬¬

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In 2157 sentient non humans fight for emancipation.

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I sat down one day and wrote my first science fiction. I PLEASE READ NOVEL INSTEAD: THE MIRACULOUS ---I thought it foolish and pulp-fiction. I sent out a second draft and it was published. http://www.kalkion.com/category/author/max-keanu This is a new and interesting science fiction site with some sharp Indian scientists running the code and strategy behind it. Here is a rewrite I need feed-back on if you have a moment. I am thinking of taking character Captain Guider and writing a story about his first voyage as a youthful space wander in 3910. A.D. I am jazzed and motivated about this and thank Keen for his help. Hey! Thanks Bob.

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This is a revision of Randolf. For any and all who read the first draft, I humbly thank you. I have embraced all of the advice given and edited accordingly. You will find that this is an entirely new approach, although the same story. Thank you for your original advice. Please give this one a read and let me know what your thoughts are. Thank you so much!

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Droubble Contest entry. All comments welcome. Thanks.

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Competition entry. All comments welcome. Thanks!

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All feedback welcome.

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Are our elderly with dementia and other mind affecting conditions really out of touch with reality or are they seeing it for the first time? I would appreciate feedback around how the story affected you and what distracted you from entering the story. Was it word choice? A confusing phrase, etc. Also, at the time I knew the protagonist had a life-threatening illness that made him incredibly tired most of the time. Does the proposed illness seem believable or would another one work better. Thanks!

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A trip 20,000 years into the past reveals a startling and highly personal realization of the origins of human civilization.

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Simon could never have guessed that waking up late for college would change his life forever. A globe-trotting adventure combining action, science fiction and just a little humour!

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Alleson is a gorilla of a man, working in a lunar colony bar in the spaceport. After the death of his father he decides to take a vacation earth side. His father left him two intriguing things, an old key from earth, and a book of matches. Surviving long enough to catch a shuttle to Earth, however, is entirely another matter. I am looking for all levels of feedback. I want to get this story ready for submission and sell it. It's been gathering dust long enough.

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Maggie and her niece, Teal, think they already have problems but when Maggie clears out her cellar for Teal to use as a bolt hole from her nagging mother, something far bigger and more terrible happens than either could ever have expected. I would like general feedback please and any will be appreciated! In UK English as usual. Best, Keen

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Ivan Campbell, Dean Weston and several others become gifted with enhanced intelligence when they are exposed to energy based life forms on a distant planet. Sadly, the exposure kills the peaceful life forms. When the incredible cognitive effects wear off, Ivan is determined to recapture them and will stop at nothing to achieve his goal, including murder. SPECTRA, a science fiction thriller, relays the story of Dean’s struggle to stop Ivan from exploiting and destroying the only intelligent life known to exist on another world. I'm looking for any feedback both positive and negative. If you review my work, I will review yours.

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Dr. Nathan Rysner is a member of the GenRose Bio-engineering team in Chicago. Nathan is exposed to genetically altered material in an accident in the lab and gains the ability to change his own genetic make up at will. A military black ops group is after him and the genetic protocol that can make a warrior impervious in battle. Nathan is on the run for his life. His adventures introduce him to the love of his life, Sherry Turner. Nathan inadvertently releases a healing gene that causes world wide controversy and instantly causes the medical field to become obsolete. The twists at the end will have you returning to the beginning searching for clues. I'm looking for any and all feedback. I only ask that you read from the beginning if you are reviewing for story line. Nits are welcome. I'm particularly interested in your thoughts on dialogue and believability of scenes.

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The year is 2114 and the world has changed significantly in the last one hundred years. The population has soared to almost 12 billion, many plants and animals have become extinct, governments have changed, country borders have been redefined, water management and food production is a major issue, energy sources have been redefined, religions have been modified and the legal structures to guide society have undergone major changes to be able to keep everything functioning. One thing has not changed – it is the civic responsibility of every citizen to serve on jury duty. This concept of responsibility is so engrained in the citizenry, that some of them actually look forward to the opportunity. A jury summons is issued only every five years, starting at age 25 until age 75 when most people retire. There are criminal trials and civil trials, but the procedure that most citizens are involved in are the worthiness trials. Because of the huge population and all the other factors that affect current life, it is important that the most talented individuals advance in their chosen careers and contribute to society. The worthiness trial is the means for fast advancement if one is found worthy.

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The Old Souls is a story about the secret world of souls, and a couple of soul mates who take it all to the next level. I am seeking input about smoothing out the first chapter and about what genre to place it in. There are elements of sci-fi, romance, adventure, paranormal, etc. and I'm just not sure where to place it.

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I would appreciate any feedback on this draft. Don't be shy, I have a VERY thick skin.

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As the cloud hangs over Las Vegas, a thirteen year old boy who loves his guitar and the mountains becomes troubled with the talk of doomsday at school. His friends pressure him not to die a virgin, and finally he makes a decision that leads to an unexpected outcome. NOTE: I have tried to address some of the problems noted by those who left comments. I'd like to know if the same problems remain after the changes.

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A near-future science fiction tale, set in a dystopian Los Angeles. My first attempt at a novel, and I welcome all advice and critiques.

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I didn't intend to enter this contest. I have so little quality writing time that I have to pick and choose my projects. But since I am getting married soon (9 days, 3 1/2 hours from now), I decided to put this story together just for the heck of it. I wrote it pretty quickly and it's my first attempt at a humorous story. I enjoyed writing it and I hope that some of you enjoy it too. Please give any and all feedback. And thanks for reading! (re-submitted 8/30 to clean up some errors and stuff)

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I am looking to see how it flows. Does it capture you, and would you want to read more? In Zeron: The Planet of Death-Sleep, Vindal Vandakoff spins a tale of Zeron, a planet trapped in disaster. Its people suffer daily the evolutionary path of hundreds of millions of years: formation of magma, desert, tsunami, ice age, and death-sleep. Tortured aliens reveal a pending invasion for control of the powerful Etholisk fuel and the pace shifts to mach-speed when The Heiress and her brother, young Nosalj, captain of the elite Defender’s Squadron, join parts of a message that stirs memories in Nosalj of his mother and brother’s murder. As invasion becomes imminent, and rumors spread that the aliens have anti-aging suits designed to protect them from the death-sleep―allowing them to move around Zeron without fear and gain control of the fuel―Nosalj shifts into action. As the first of a suspenseful trilogy, the story spins wildly through romance, betrayal, and revenge, with Nosalj designated as the savior of his people. What part will warrior monks play? And who will be victorious?

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Victorian Conwell, the owner of one of the most successful and unusual businesses on the west coast has her hands, and the hands of everyone she knows, full. A gifted teleporter with a complicated past she finds herself in the middle of a conspiracy that will take her and the members of her corporation all over the globe and into the pits of hell. Follow Victorian as old loves clash with current obligations sending her life into a tailspin the world will never forget.

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This story takes one of history's great mysteries--the disappearance of the Roanoke Colony in the 1500's--and puts a sci-fi spin on it, involving aliens and a government conspiracy. This is a rough first draft--any and all comments/suggestions welcome!

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Having just been killed in a mysterious shuttle explosion, Gethin Bryce is back to figure out why. Bryce is an unusually gifted investigator with the Global Republic; due to his proximity to the shuttle tragedy, he finds himself assigned to the case. Bryce's investigation takes him from the luxurious enclaves of Earth’s elite to the battered Wastelands beyond civilization’s protective thrall. Linking up with a planet-spanning corporate powerhouse, he also befriends a grim outlander named Celeste Segarra. She has an important piece of the puzzle – proof of a sadistic entity from Earth's unremembered past which threatens not just civilization, but all life... Everywhere.

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The Ayim Gorath, a powerful race of women, must find a genematch for their princess and create an heir. They set their sights on Rayler Hubb, a wayfaring rock star on his way past their planet. While captured and forced to join their Orgasmium -- or man harem -- Rayler can only communicate with women. Since the only nearby, non-hostile carrier of the X chromosome is Jennique, his on-again, off-again secret soul mate who won't speak to him, Rayler will have to use a combination of wits, musicianship, and sex appeal to free himself before the princess is impregnated and he's chopped up and fed to the Royal Court. ***This is something new I'm working on. I'm not sure whether it's a short story or a novelette. It's a soft sci-fi/romance/action-adventure story.***

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I'd like any constructive edits, particularly ones that will help me pinpoint weaknesses and improve my writing. Also, I need feedback on the title. I love and hate it. What do you think?

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What makes a human, human? Are heroes born, bred, or created?

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In this era where science fiction is becoming science fact, technology is mixing with strongly held myths, and art is blending the chaos to shine a light on the rapid changes, we will either destroy ourselves or else learn to live in peace, without and within. This is the story of a particularly gifted young psychic, Aurora Swift, and the psychiatrist who tries to unravel her worlds, and in doing so unintentionally comes into contact with interconnected universal mysteries, dimensions, ancient beings and civilizations. Mixture of fantasy and reality genres. Mainly, the two settings are the modern day present with a bit of government conspiracy, and a sort of underworld that Aurora calls the Night World she escapes into to keep her sanity intact what with the pressures of her life. We meet a lot of other psychics in Aurora's circle and travel all over the U.S. and the world in search of some type of salvation. ** The first six or so chapters are non-linear and deliberately jarring as Aurora is experiencing a crossover of dimensions and times that will be sorted out in later chapters.// If I were to summarize the emotional stew or message of the story, it might go something like this: It is easy to wonder if our lives are worthless and actions are pointless because all will be forgotten one day. If every inventor, thinker, artist, intuitive being, and scientist followed through with this line of thinking, we’d still be in the Dark Ages or perhaps cause a new one. In this time of flourishing light, we need not allow the darkness of short-sightedness envelop us. The power is within us to make this world whatever we want it to be and become. And yes, one can make a difference with a little help from her friends.// **NOTE: I am on this site for constructive criticism. If you believe my work is only worthy of a 1 or 2 and feel like writing a snide scathing review or telling me how to write according to you, go somewhere else. My work isn't perfect, but I what I don't need is people who wish to feel superior by cutting me down or taking out their bad day on me. If you "don't get it" either ask me why something is written as it is or read something else. That I've had to explain this is sad, but there are plenty of A-holes in the world and that is reflected by similar percentages on this site. For those of you here to learn and grow and offer positive suggestions: Welcome. ---- (4/23/09 Currently reposted Chapter 1-3 and more coming soon for fans old and new).

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He fell through a portal to encounter a strange world. He sought vengence on those who were responsible. This is going to be an entry into a flash fiction contest, so please let me know what you think. Thanks in advance.

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This is a repackaging of the material I had already published to incorporate feedback and to allow me to get more detailed feedback on the parts. New material is included in the later chapters. This is a story about relationships, intrigue, and the interstellar trade in chocolate.

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Rhiannon, prodigal daughter of the king of New Fairy, has suffered a terrible curse. Having humiliated a witch, she must suffer a unique shame--she must go naked, regardless of the weather or social situation. These are the stories of how she reclaims her dignity and fights the evil of men, and her own inner conflicts. Many of these are more light hearted than Rhiannon's Ordeal, and show Rhiannon in the heroic capacity that emerged in her post-curse life. Rhiannon's relationship with Rosalyn is more ambiguous--at least to Rhiannon; I don't think the reader was ever fooled. There are other differences, but I don't think that should matter to the reader. Rhiannon's still her dear, sweet, naked self.

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