Content: liberal

Summary:

WHAT KISS DESERVES TO BE TRADEMARKED? You'll find out in this literate, comedic, romantic, aphoristic, ten-years-in-the-writing, sci-fi thriller. Only the first page is posted below, since that's all I need feedback on at the moment. I'm mostly interesting in sentence-level commentary, not global suggestions. Which lines catch your eye, for better or worse, and why? I put a lot of pressure on sentences to provide immediate pleasure to the readers, not just the accumulative thrill of character and plot development. Novels are often mostly empty space, wasting their readers' time by deferring pleasure through over-focus on plot and character development. Sentences, though, can provide immediate pleasure--as evidenced in "money lines," those beautifully struck sentences that, even in the best of writers, can be found only a few times a chapter. Novelists can do more to thrill immediately by putting more energy into sentences. You'll see what I mean in the brief descriptions of the main characters below (copied from the novel's opening chapters). If lines like these appeal to you, you'll enjoy the rest of it . . . because the texts is filled with 'em. :-) Maya Lyon: "Maya smiled, her face a feature-rich Brazilian package of calligraphic piercings, lash-black hair, museum-quality aquamarine eyes, and unretouched asymmetrical scars." Hannah Mays "[Hannah's clothes] were mostly shot up and torn off, leaving her body on full topographic display. Her muscles were ornate and well-detailed, a variable geography of curves and cables and shadowed cross-cuts that made regular bodies look like tube arms hanging from an egg foundation." Poor Tom: "Just sitting, [Tom] was a few amputations shy of sharing the circle Da Vinci drew around the Ventruvian Man; standing, Tom made Michelangelo's statuesque David appear like a previous species of underfed teen; and in both positions, his hands were notable, large enough to palm a liter of water and, of late, having been all over her." ----- As mentioned, I'm mostly interesting in sentence-level commentary, not global suggestions. Which lines catch your eye, for better or worse, and why? THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR COMMENTARY! ~john

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I asked HavePenWillScribble to toss me a topic so if you hate this blame him. If you like it, I've never heard of him.

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I posted this a long time ago and dragged it out again in honor of Sumthiniwrote's brilliant piece "Brosna's Double Dog Dare", which everyone should take a look at as an example of fine writing under pressure. "Perspective" is jointly written with a good friend of mine. A few years ago we had one date and I sent him the beginning and middle of this piece and he sent me back his perspective of the date. "Dysfunctional Dating" could have just as easily been the title of this piece.

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Okay, here's another one of those stories where my boyfriend warns me I lose half my audience. My response to him is that I can't help it if those I mock give me such good material. Anyway, I'm tolerant as can be, seeing as how I'm typing it under my boyfriend's autographed photo of Ronald Reagan, which hangs on the wall.

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