Checklist

§    Opening  -
Chapter 20 -    Marcus' surprise for Donna Lee was a romantic candlelit dinner [right] in the middle of centerfield of the National's ballpark.  (No problem)
Chapter 21 – No nits
Chapter 22 – This one is fine by me

§    Conflict –  There is Delia’s need to find out about her origins versus running away from the interview. Lena gets into a spot of trouble and loses her life.

§    Plot – Yes. I can believe fixing up some story to interview a mother who’d abandoned their child.  Also understand Lena being killed by her customer or the group she worked for.  She did think about Amanda being ruthless.

§    Setting – Didn’t need descriptions for the apartment and the hotel.

§    Characterization –  Delia’s has grown more decisive, which is a good thing. She’s also a dependable figure fore Lena.

§    Dialogue – No problems here.

§    Point of view – Think there was a bit of an omniscient view when you talked about the girls looking as though they were at a sleepover. 

§    Show vs. Tell –  Good balance. Couldn’t have got Wanda’s story otherwise.

§    Grammar & Spelling – No problems here.   Suggestions are mainly re dropping words you can stand to lose.

§    Style/Tone – Definitely an easy read.  Did them all in one sitting.

§    Prose – No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? – Yes, we get the girls in the apartment. Delia goes to find out about her roots and Lena’s caught in a bad situation.

§    Does the story move quickly? – Yes, no problems with pacing.

§    Is the tension level high?  - I’d say particularly in the last two chapters.

§    Are the protagonists strong?  - Delia has grown since the start of the novel, though to a certain extent, she’s still a victim. 

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? – Yes,   Good between Delia and her mother.  Mother is cold-hot-cold and then there’s the news of Lena’s death in the next chapter.
Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well. – Liked the rapport between Delia and Donna Lee.  Though her situation’s not the best, Delia can be happy for her sister, who’s caught a break.  The way their life is, they need each other.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / §    How do you think the story could be improved? Maybe just to heighten the tension a bit more, especially when Delia starts crying, Wanda could get suspicious, like…what station/paper did you say you were from again?†

All in all some interesting stuff happens in this chapter.  I’m eager to find out what they make of Lena’s murder.   

Caught this after… “You got any(space)more questions?â€

Thanks Joy. This is going to be a tough week for me after all. I have grades do on Wednesday and I have to start studying for a midterm. I may be a few more days on your overall review.

Arianna, No prob. Look forward to your comments.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 20 - needs some orientation and ground.
Ch 21 -  yes
Ch 22 - yes very much so.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 20 - could stand more internal conflict about Chase
Ch 21 - more internal since Wanda isn’t resistant or suspicious
Cha 22 - yes

§    Plot – Is it believable? yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?  Yes. Good work with the halfway house. I’m just not sure why there’d be bars on the windows since these women are technically not prisoners anymore.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Yes. Excellent work.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Great dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  Mostly show

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
If so, I noted them. But they were minor

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Great tone and style

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? no


§    Is there enough action? Yes

§    Does the story move quickly?  Yes

§    Is the tension level high?  Yes

§    Are the protagonists strong?  Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.  The whole promise stone thing is intriguing and sick. And I liked the scene with Wanda, with Delia finding out she wasn’t actually dumped. Her reaction was perfect.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
Just maybe more transitions between chapters to improve the flow.

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the romance fading between Chase and Delia. I'll have to kick that up a notch.

arianna cordelle sofer wrote:

I have a question about something you wrote in the feedback.

You mentioned that you flaked (I think that was the word) on the love scene on the cruise.

I was just curious as to why?

Also, I had mentioned having other line sugesstions. Are you intersted?

Rian

Yeah, sure. Always interested in things that may help. I flaked on the love scene because when i started writing the book I wasn't sure what age group it would be. Plus, I was just lazy at the time. But I think now that I have finished the book, I can definitely go back and add a tasteful love scene. Actually, I was thinking of adding one after the chapter where Delia meets her mother. She goes to thank him, one thing leads to another and bam....Is that too unrealistic since she knows his age. Would she not let herself do that. I was thinking that after such an emotionally trying day she would need a release.

I'd like everyone's opinion. I think I'll write the chapter and see if you think it fits or not.

JediP

I understand about genre concerns. With mine being YA, I had some feedback related to some secnes. From other books I've read waht I do is okay. I still get some complaints from ramdom reviewers on the other site I'm on. A few of my regulars are against YA because they have read the "unfiltered" scenes and don't like the toned down versions as much.

So that I can write the best scene possible, this is the order (levels) I write in:

First, I write no holds barred every detail full on boom-chika-wow-wow. No one ever sees this version but me. That guarantees that it it comes through 100% unstifled. Rated X but nothing purple prosy. Just really graphic.

Then, I reshape it for an adult audience. Rated R. This helps me maintain the elements of passion while cutting the excessive graphics out.

Then I filter it. I imply more than desribe. Much more is left to the readers imagination, but it usally still carries that same intensity.

One of the chapters I wrote that got the biggest "knock em' dead" response didn't even get to the kiss.

In fact, there isn't an single "actual" kiss anywhere in book 1, but alot a steamy action.

With Delia and Chase they can have a tense moment. They can have a kiss (in a moment of vunerability) or an almost kiss. When they walk away "all charged up" one of them could have a fantasy.

Another way to kick it up would be a flash back. If they did it more than once on the cruise, you can use one of the other times here in a flashback. heck you can do both if you space it out.

Didn't you mention that Delia thought Chase was "lacking" in some way? Maybe the flashback is from his POV and he was holding back because of his mixed emotions? He's kicking himself and imagines how he'd do it now. Something like that.

If you are interested. LOL! I could show you a scene. Remember I told you about some serious irony?? Yeah, I have written a few scenes between a teacher and student. Only the roles are defined already. They don't have sex, but it's an intense scene. He's having a fantasy. Maybe it will help because it's written from the teacher's POV.

I also have a something posted called, Dream Echoes Part One. It's one of the dreams from the book you're reading, but it wont' come up for a while. All I had to work with was a kiss, so I pulled out all the stops. You don't have to review it, but maybe reading it will give you some ideas.

Let me know me know if you want the teacher student moment too. 

Rian

Last edited by arianna cordelle sofer (09-25-2008 10:31:58)

You're in class now?

Tsk tsk LOL!

As long as it give me something to read, I think it's a great Idea.

So what genres were you toying with? BTW, I hope you don't think I'm a hypocrit or anything. Since, I confessed that one of the reasons I avoided your book originally was the whole teacher/student bit. It's just that I had some ongoing internal conflict about how that particular theme is received in my writing.

Rian

ha ha!

My husband always sings that song to me! It is the epitome of a horny teenager's fantasy.

JediP

I posted the chapter I worked on yesterday as chapter 21 Chase, The Man. Read at your leisure and let me know if it works or not. I totally will not be offended if you tell me it sucks.

JediP

Hey,

I just read the response to my review. I see the problem with the November setting. Is a small campfire somewhere possible?
I haven't been to that area for years, so I don't remember if there are any picnic areas etc. that have metal rings he could use to build a cozy fire.

I remember the crab cakes from around the MD area. Yummy. Boating on the Potomac was a blast too. I visited DC regularly years ago, and spent a summer in the area (Centreville) too. My closest friend lives in Reston, though it's been a long time since I've visited.
Rambling sorry.

Rian

Ha!

You're a trip. I can't believe they thought your boyfriend was in high school. Hilarious. I never get carded. I've looked 25 since I was 15. Now that I'm 29, I still look 25 so I guess that's a good thing.

I think I'll leave the ages where they are and just play up the social stigma more and less of the pediphile aspect. I'll add a scene where she's talking to other teachers about it. I also think I want to add a scene where Chase gets arrested on campus for one reason or another. It'll throw the reader off even more.  Were you adequately surprised in The Truth About Chase or did you see it coming?

JediP

LOL!

I wasn't actually suggesting sex, but that is a natural reaction to stress and grief. Especially since Chase is a source of comfort and the "barrier" has been removed. Besides that ship already sailed anyway. (sorry, perfect pun opportunity)

And after the experience with each other, doubt and/or self-doubt could actually increase for both parties.


Rian

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 23 -  yes
Ch 24 -  yes
Ch 25 -  yes, it shows Delia and Donna Lee trying to figure things out

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 23 - Delia coming to grips with her student's death, and with the knowledge of the prostitution ring
Ch 24 -  Delia doubting Chase, wondering how he fits in with all the bad stuff going on around her
Ch 25 -  Delia's plan backfiring during her dinner with Principal Sam

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes.  The cheating thing seems like a logical way to pull teenage girls into the Promise Stone, since getting caught cheating would cause them so much trouble at home and ruin their shot at getting into a good college.  For someone their age, it would seem like their life was over if that happened, and I could see them deciding to do something as drastic as prostitution to get out of it.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
yes, great fully-rounded characters

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
smooth

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
not many, but I noted some in the chapter reviews

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes, at an appropriate pace
§    Is the tension level high? yes, tension is still pretty high even when things slow down
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.
All of Delia's reactions seem realistic and dead on.  The poor girl doesn't know what to think!