§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 11 -  Instead of saying Delia realized. I think you should start it as…Living in D.C., Delia knew it wasn’t safe for her to be out alone after dark.
Ch 12 -  Yes, just don’t like the unnecessary there. But the section works.
Ch 13 -  I think it was stronger before with ch. 12 ending with the principal catching them in a liplock, which would then make this intro stronger.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 11 - Delia against her attackers and feelings for Chase
Ch 12 -  Delia and the unknown assailants in the wings
Ch 13 -  Opens up new potential conflict with the possible cheating scandal

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes. It's definitely moving along and exploding in various directions. You have the husband, Lena, the attack and whodunit, the potential cheating, the weird principal, the sexual tension, the operation C.J. and Ian are working on, and Delia wanting to get to the bottom of it all. The plot is totally not stuck.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Excellent

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
The dialogue is good.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Mostly. On occasion is switches.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
Minor nits

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Great tone.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action?
yes

§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Yes

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
The weaving of your plotlines. Not everything is what is seems to be, which is the kind of story I love. The many mysteries are most intriguing.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
More maturity and professionalism in Delia. I do like that you changed that aspect about her trying to get back at Chase. I think her trying to draw out the real Chase is a definite improvement. Edits like that will enhance your story. She comes across very young, scarred and emotionally imbalanced at times. She needs a bit more consistency for readers to believe in her choices, whether they be good or bad.

Last edited by amarie (07-19-2008 16:12:48)

Thanks Nadine. I know I need work on setting. I keep going back and trying to add more descriptions of scenery and stuff. I just don't like books that dwell on every detail like that. I like the author to leave it up to the reader. As for plot, I think it has a lot going on: Delia in love with an underage boy, an underage sex scandal, underage students involved in illegal attivities, a sketchy high school principal that may be behind it all. How will it all end? Will Delia end up in Jail? Will Chase end up in jail? Will there be a happy ending?

I love reading page turning romance novels that have me questioning everything except for the two main character's attraction for one another. I know they're in love, but something(s) is/are keeping them apart. In this book it's the age difference and the possible illegal activities.  I want it to be clear that Delia and Chase are in love with each other, but whether they can or should be together is the question.

Another thing that is a problem with some readers of this book is that many people are unaware of how things work in private schools. It's completely different from public schools. I've been in both. In private schools, there is a lot more freedom. In the private school I worked at in DC, students were allowed to come and go as they pleased. The students had lunch in restuarants around the city, they called teachers by their first names, and even proposed and ran school wide assemblies. In my Calculus class, we would go out for breakfast. In my Algebra 2 class, I would teach at Starbucks sometimes. I'm trying not to make Saxon Arms, my fictional school, that liberal, but that is my experience with private schools. And that's how most of the private schools are run in DC. Unless you have the president's daughter for a few years like Sidwell Friends did...that was the school like across the street from where I worked...they're all pretty free form. I think it's the money.

On that note, do you think I need to explain the differences between public and private schools more?

Last edited by jediprincess (07-19-2008 21:02:31)

wordsmith wrote:

Jedi,

I'm late - as per usual these days - but will get to you soon-soon.

No prob.

Thanks for the private school explanation. I was not aware that so much leeway happened at private vs. public. Here in western Mass. I'm not aware of that much liberty going on. I could be totally wrong on this but the private schools have a reputation for being tighter than the public. Deerfield Academy has a gorgeous campus but the rigorous academic program doesn't allow for much wandering around off campus. It's also many miles from anything resembling an off-campus meeting place. The public schools have lots of variation. I taught in public schools where unusual behavior was almost the norm. Delia/Chase situations happened but not usually right in the classroom. Wherever there's a relationship with a power structure, such as student-teacher, one can take advantage of the situation. The burden is on the adult to prevent it.

Now you're talking. I like this very much. His monologue arouses our suspicions as well as Delia's, so we're on her side. He's paving the way for fraternizing problems and who knows what else. What's up his sleeve anyway?
Nadine

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 14 -  Yes.  I'm thinking that there might even be more of on impact if end the following sentence:
'. .. she swung the door shut, but he caught it and let himself in.'
at 'shut', leave off the 'but' as have 'He caught it and let himself in' as a separate sentence: 
Ch 15 -  it's okay
Ch 16 -   Yes, we want to see who this new character is

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 14 - Delia turning down Jason, then the scuffle between Jason and Chase
Ch 15 - Delia against the computer system
Ch 16 - Lena against the scuzbucket in the hotel.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Your characters are very well drawn

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly show

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors
no problems
.
§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
nice tone, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action?  yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well. 
I loved the funny parts you sprinkle through the story, especially some of the things Donna Lee says.   You stepped up the mystery and suspense in these last few chapters, too.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
No complaints here.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 14 -  Yes
Ch 15 -  Yes
Ch 16 -  Yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 14 - Delia and Jason, then Delia and Chase, but I’d like to see Delia more uneasy and more suspicious and not so easy to fall back into her destructive way of thinking. I believed she'd moved away from this.
Ch 15 -  Delia on her mssion
Ch 16 -  Lena V. sicko

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes. You could give some more description when Delia goes to pick up Lena.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Good for the most part. Delia is sometimes too weak for this stage of the novel.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
The dialogue is great

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
More telling than showing, especially during the Jason scene. Too much narration in spots.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
I noted them in the chapter reviews

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Great tone.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action?
yes

§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Yes

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Mostly

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
The dangerous direction of the story, the potential cheating scandal and how it ties into the young escorts.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
Less flopping from Delia. She should know now she doesn’t belong with a louse like Jason. Didn't she even say somewhere that he never even loved her, so why would the thought of going back to him even cross her mind. Yes, Chase might not be for her, but Jason most certainly isn’t and I was annoyed she even went there.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 17 -  Yes, made me want to learn more about Amanda's bitchy ways
Ch 18 -  it's okay
Ch 19 -  yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 17 - Delia and the people threatening her
Ch 18 -  Jason vs Delia and CJ
Ch 19 -  Delia versus her attackers

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
great job of characterization

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
first part of Ch 17 is a bit telly, but the rest was mostly showing.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
no problems

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action?  yes, plenty
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
The whole story is flowing pretty smoothly, and I like your characters.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
In chapter 18, you could put  in the reasons why Jason's dad made the stipulations about his being married and not divorced.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Amanda Landgren, daughter of real estate developer Irving Landgren and sister of Saxon Arms student Ian Landgren wasn't always a ruthless, greedy bitch. *That sentence is a mouthful and could use some work, maybe by being broken up into two. And the intro is all backstory. It could be scattered and trimmed.

The following chapters open well.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Yes. Ian and Amanda putting the squeeze on Delia, and Jason as always.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Amanda would be more dynamic if you showed her in action.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Yes. Excellent.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
Yes

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
No.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
The style and tone are good.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Yes

§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Yes

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I like the Promise Stone element. I’m wondering how on earth they cheat, especially when Delia sprung up a spontaneous test. I also liked the Donna Lee spilled the beans about Chase and Delia to her new boyfriend. That sets off my alarm bells. I'm wondering what, if anything, will become of that.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.    How do you think the story could be improved?
Just the exposition scene with Amanda. I think it can be jazzed up.

Last edited by amarie (09-05-2008 05:56:37)

Wordsmith found it in an article by Victory Crayne. Isn't it great? I put it in my blog as a guide for other writers who aren't sure what to ask for in a critique. It has been very helpful and has gotten us to look at our novels more indepthly.

Last edited by amarie (09-05-2008 14:15:49)

wordsmith wrote:

Wayne,

It's from Victory Crayne's How To Critique Fiction.  We adopted it for our own use, so feel free to use it.

Darn. You should have told him he needs to write a kissing book.

Wayne,

Bronsa said it best. 

Brosna11 wrote:

I think purple prose refers to over-writing. Too many modifiers, exaggerated sensory details such as luscious lips like rose buds lapped with dew or golden ringlets strewn across the silken pillow like a million little caterpillars. Overwriting isn't good. It's just overwritten. A preachy tone is one that attempts to sermonize to the reader for persuasion. She crawled into bed with him knowing she was going straight to hell. It's probably ok for the character to say this but the writer shouldn't interject preaching in the narration.

To this, I added:-

To purple prose, I'd add - cliched expressions, stilted-sounding words and phrases, ridiculous substitute names for genitalia.

If you ask Sol to set up a forum for you for Sci-Fi, he will.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 20 - Nice opening paragraph, but this first sentence: "Marcus' surprise for Donna Lee was a romantic candlelit dinner right in the middle of centerfield of the National's ballpark. "
might have more impact if you changed it around, maybe to :
'Marcus surprised Donna Lee with a romantic candlelit dinner, centerfield at National's ballpark!'
Ch 21 - Oh Yes.
Ch 22 -  Yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 20 -  less conflict here, but a revealing chapter
Ch 21 -  meeting her mother and dealing with what she learns about her past
Ch 22-   Lena and the sleaze ball

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
great characterization, as usual with your writing

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
great dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
no problems

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
only a few I pointed out in the chapter reviews

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy to read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no


§    Is there enough action?  yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high?  yes
§    Are the protagonists strong?  yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.  The whole scenario between Delia and her mother was very well written and believable, as is the part with Lena and the sleeze. 

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
Can't think of a thing.