I thought Dan would be a great long lost brother, Ann. LOLOL Didn't  Mattie have a brother?

And Ann, if i had your phone number right now ld be calling you with a big woo-hoo! Killer first chapter - just read it. I'll review tomorrow. Excellent, Ann.

I know that the review box smashes everything together.  That's why I number my comments/suggestions.  I hope things were more readable in another format.  Ceridwen

Okay, for Chapter 18, there are a few more suggestions and/or tweaks that I didn't have room for in the review.  They are below:

1. “Shh,�  he pulls me back into his arms. “It’s all right, Mattie. I’ll make you a promise, okay? That no matter what you do, I will always be here for you, Squirt. I will never leave you and I will never let you drive me away, no matter how hard you try. You’re stuck with me, Mathilda Louise Hathaway.�

He means it. I know if I look up, I’ll see his determination. Officer Dan is the only person who has ever made me feel like anything except the poor little foster girl. Jake is great and I know he likes me, but sometimes I think he only asked me out in the beginning because he felt sorry for me. I was the new girl, the foster kid who had no friends. That’s the kind of person he is. It’s why I knew he and I would never last. I just didn’t think it’d be over this soon.

Dan is different. He cares, and means exactly what he says. I’ve never in my life connected with someone like I have with him. It scares me more than I can say, but I won’t give it up either. I need Dan in my life. He makes me feel safe.

2. “Dr. Olivett.�  I wipe my face with the napkin Dan pulled out of an old McDonald’s bag. It smells like fries.  Glad Dan’s truck is old, so it doesn’t have mirrors to show how bad my face must look.  Just as well I put on very little makeup today.

[Be consistent with the doctor's name spelling. Two T's or two L's?  Or both? ]

3. “What?�  I ask defensively. “I need a little help here, Dan. I’ve been seeing ghosts my entire life, but don’t know anything about them, not really. I certainly didn’t know one could hurt me. I have to be able to protect myself. This guy has a lot of press. He seems to know what he’s talking about.�

“All it means, Mattie, is he is good at BS and a Twitter fanatic. I bet he has thousands of followers on Twitter.�

I didn’t want to admit it, but Dr. Olivett does have over three million followers.

“Mattie, ghost hunters are just there to take advantage of people and fuel their beliefs. They find reasons to take a situation that has a perfectly rational explanation and make it into the haunting of the century. I can’t believe you of all people would fall for that. I gave you way more credit than that.�

4. He sighs. “Mattie, I firmly believe you think you can see ghosts and yes, I’ve seen some pretty weird stuff around you, but to say I believe in ghosts? I’m still not there yet.�

“You think I’m crazy? Then how did I know all that stuff about Mary? Huh? Think I imagined that?�

I’m yelling, but can’t help it. Dan was the one person who I thought believed me. Now he’s saying he doesn’t.

“No, you are not crazy. If I thought that, I wouldn’t be helping you try to find a killer no one else thinks exist. Yeah, you do know a lot of stuff you shouldn’t – stuff that wasn’t released to the general public, especially about Mary. That’s why I’m here. I will go as far as to say you might be a little psychic, but ghosts? I’m just not sure, Mattie. I told you I’d keep an open mind and I am. Just give me some time, okay?�

I stare out the window again. He doesn’t believe me. I thought for sure he did, that finally I’d found someone I could confess my secrets to and not have them laugh in my face. He’s not laughing, but he doesn’t believe me. He is rationalizing why I know so much.

He’s a cop, I remind myself. Cops never believe you, no matter what they say. They never trust that you are telling the truth – especially a kid with a record, and a foster kid to boot. I should have expected this. I just didn’t see it coming. It hurt. This is worse than losing Jake. I can’t cry.

5. We spend the rest of the ride in silence then looking for public parking, since we don’t have a permit for the other lots. After about twenty minutes, we finally crawl out of the car. I end up alternating between hopping and limping. Dan tries to help me, but I push him off.

6. We stop at the first building and Dan asks where we can find the lecture hall Dr. Olivett is in. Oh, he’s not in a lecture hall, they tell him. He’s holding his lecture in the theater.

The theater? Really?

Dan rolls his eyes as if to say ‘I told you so’, but I ignore him. I know this is the right thing to do. Dr. Olivett will have the answers I need. He has to.

penang wrote:

Apryl,
You said you had rewrites and were just waiting for points to post them. Do you want me to wait on reviewing any more chaptes, or should I just go ahead and keep going with this version?
Ang

Yeah, I have the same question, Ang.

Apryl, I have one more review to put up for chapter 12, but also reviewed the prologue for The second in The Coven series and printed chapter 1 for my next review. That okay, woman?

Sounds good, Apryl.

Hey Apryl, I went to review for you but all the chapters were gone!! Do you want me to go on to a different piece??

Hey Apryl, I looked a bit closer and saw that you've renamed The Orphanage so I'll go ahead and update the link at the top of this thread.
Ang

I read the first chapter. Will try to get the review in later when I get home.

Do you have a copy of the first draft? I'd love to read both and see if I can make a few suggestions for combining and cutting.

maryapryl wrote:

See below Susan:

Part I:  Secrets
Chapter One

    Cherry blossom lipstick applied to my full, pouty lips to perfection, check.  Smokey eyes, check.  Well, almost.  The hazel color does throw off the smoke effect, but they still look pretty darn good.  Black curls flowing down my white fleece in a flirty style, check.  Kid with the hole in her head, check.  Tight jeans….hole in her head?!! 

    My head snaps around to stare at the kid.  She can’t be more than eight or nine.  Her blonde hair is pulled back in a ponytail.  Her sundress is cute, little daisies everywhere with blue slippers to match.  She’s as cute as a button if you could ignore the pasty skin and the hole, which looks like a bullet hole.  Not that I’ve ever seen one up close and personal in my sixteen years, but I watch SVU.  Stabler is hot for an old guy. 

    “Mattie, you done in there yet?�

    I roll my eyes at the whine in Sally’s voice.  She’s just jealous she didn’t get invited to Megan Johnson’s party.   Not that she’d go mind you, but that’s not the point.  It’s the invite that matters.

    “Can you help me?�

    My eyes flick back to the kid.  If I ignore her, she’ll go away.  They always do.  That has been my rule since I was about five. Yeah, I see dead people, but I refuse to admit that to them. 

    “Mattttiiieee!!!!�

    “Alright already!�  I yell.  Sheeze, can’t she chill for five more minutes? 

    “Please.�

    I screech, I can’t help it.  She’d touched me and the icy air that sliced through me actually hurt.  It’s never pleasant if they touch you.  Worse though, I can feel her pain, her confusion, and exactly how lost her soul is.  She wants her mommy and Mr. Bear.  She doesn’t know why she’s here or what’s happened to her.

    “Mattie, you see a roach or something?�

    I could hear the worry in Sally’s voice.  She has a thing about roaches.  The dump she and her mom used to live in was infested with them.  She’d told me once she’d woken up with one in her mouth.  So gross.

    “Please, please, can you help me?�

    Don’t, I tell myself.  Don’t look at her, don’t talk to her, don’t acknowledge her in any way.  She’ll go away.  She tries to reach for me again, but this time I’m ready for her.  I scoot backwards and run for the door.  I don’t look back, but I can feel her behind me, hurt and confused.  No one else can see her.  She doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her when I can see her.  She’s afraid…stop it!

    “Bathroom’s all yours, Sally.�

    “Is there a roach in there?�  she asks, eyeballing the room with fear.

    “Nah, just a mouse,�  I say and continue on down the hall, stopping only to grab my coat.  I really shouldn’t have done that.  She’s scared of mice too, but I don’t want her in there with the ghost.  Sally can’t see her, but who knows what the kid might do?  I don’t think she can hurt Sally, but I’m not an expert.  I just see them, I don’t talk to them.

    Yup, that’s me, Mattie Louise Hathaway—the foster kid who can see dead people.  Used to freak me out beyond all belief, but what can you do?  Say anything and they’ll lock you away in a padded room.  No way am I ending up in the loony bin.  Nobody, and I mean nobody knows my secret. 

    And that’s exactly how I plan on keeping it, so when my ride shows up a few minutes later, I’m all smiles for him.  Jake Owens has to be the absolute cutest guy I have ever had the pleasure to drool over.  Every girl in school goes all jello-y around him, but who can blame them?  Tall, broad (football captain!) baby blue eyes, and a smile that could defrost even Mrs. Wynn, the stuck up English teacher trapped in the seventies. 

    “Mattie, you’re looking great tonight,�  he says in his deep voice that makes me warm all over. 

    I wink and settle into the car.  It’s cold outside and I’m frozen.  I didn’t dress for warmth, I dressed to flirt.  Why we torture ourselves to look good, I’m not sure any of us can really answer.  Guys don’t go through half as much trouble as we do to impress.  All they do is throw on something and they look good.  It’s so unfair.

    Megan’s party is out at the old abandoned mill.  Last time she had one at her house, the cops got called and her parents grounded her for a month.  She had to do some kind of community service too.  Said it’d help her build character and learn responsibility.  When that day came, I’d sprout wings and fly.  All Megan cares about is spending Daddy’s money and keeping her boyfriend, Tommy James, happy.  You wouldn’t think it’d be so hard.  Megan is hands down the most popular girl in our school, head cheerleader, with perfect hair and perfect skin.  I only wish I could look half so good, but what can you do?  You work with what you got.  Anyways, back to Tommy.  Tommy has a roving eye and it not only tends to wander, but it often lands where it shouldn’t.  Megan can do better, but she’s hooked on the guy.  Stupid, but not my business.

    The party is in full swing by the time we get there.  Everyone is milling around, laughing, talking, and drinking.  Jake slings an arm around my shoulders and I snuggle close.  It’s freezing!  Why Megan decided to have a party outside in the dead of winter is beyond me.  We make a beeline to the bonfire that is raging out back.  Jake grabs a beer and I decline one.  I never, ever drink at parties.  The only thing I’ll do is drink a glass of water I get myself from the tap.  I’m not a stupid chickie.  No way am I setting myself up to get drugged and raped.  Jake is a pretty decent guy, but I’ve only known him a couple weeks.  Who knows what he might be capable of when he’s drunk?  I’m a smart cookie.  I never take chances like that.

    “Mattie!�   Megan waves her beer bottle at me.  She’s buzzed alright.  Her eyes are a bit glassy.  See?  Not a smart cookie.  She’d be an SVU nightmare.  Don’t get me wrong.  I really, really like Meg.  She’s one of the first people who accepted me when I got here last month and she’s got a closet full of clothes I’d sell an organ for, but her choices are not always the best ones.  She’s the town’s sweetheart, the golden girl expected to do great things.  I guess she doesn’t think anything bad could ever happen to her.

    “Hey,�  I smile and shake my head no when Tommy offers me a beer. 

    “Aw, come on Mattie, have a drink, loosen up a bit,�  Tommy wheedles.  His eyes are on my chest.  Such a jerk.  Megan hasn’t noticed and I’m grateful.  I’d hate for her to get mad at me because of her idiot boyfriend’s leering eyes.

    “Leave off, Tommy,�  Jake glares.  He has noticed where Tommy’s eyes are.  “You know Mattie doesn’t drink.�

    “Chill, man.  I’m only trying…�

    “Meg, did I see Ava over there wearing some knock-offs?�   I roll my eyes at the testosterone.

    “I know!  I can’t believe she thought she could pass those boots off as designers,�  Meg nods enthusiastically.  “And that handbag…O-M-G!�   Nothing upsets her more than a knock-off.  She is a fashionista in the worst sense of the word.  She plans on going to design school in New York when she graduates. 

    “The stitching is all wrong on the bag,�  I agree.  I’m not sure if I’m right or not as I am not a fashionista, but I’ve heard that’s how you can usually tell if a handbag is an original or not – the stitching of the bag.

    “It’s atrocious!�  Meg laughs.  “I can’t believe she thinks anybody will buy that nonsense.�

    “Maybe her folks aren’t rich and it’s all she can afford?�  Jake asks sarcastically.  Jake’s parents are not even middle class.  His dad is out of work more than not and his mom’s a housekeeper for the local hotel.  She doesn’t make much.  Jake had to get a job part time this summer to help pay the bills.  It’s one of the reasons I liked him to begin with.  He’s not like the usual high school boy.  He understands that life is hard and you do what you have to do. 

       I did sound a little snarky, I admit to myself.  Not everyone’s father is the mayor like Meg’s and can’t afford to dress in high fashion.  Look at me for example.  I wear Wal-Mart clothes and I wear them proudly.  I don’t go around trying to pretend, I think that’s why Meg and I get along so well.  I know I’m broke and I wear what I can afford to the best of my ability.  I don’t make pretenses of who I am and who I am not. 

    Megan sighs.  “That sounded really bitchy didn’t it?�   Like I said earlier, Meg is one of the nicest people I’ve ever known, but when she’s drunk, she can get a little mean. 

    “Just a little,�  I tell her.  “But I guess I started it by mentioning it in the first place.�   Even though I’d done it to stop a potential fight between Tommy and Jake, I felt bad.  It’s a new feeling for me.  I typically don’t let myself get attached enough to people to feel anything for them, but being around Jake and his family has made me start to rethink my whole me, myself, and I mentality.  Not that I don’t have reason to keep people at arm’s length, but Jake is unthawing me just a bit.  I don’t know if I like it or not.
 
    I know I sound jaded, but that’s a direct result of how I grew up.  My mom used to drag us from one city to the next, always running from something until one day she stopped running.  I was five.  We were in a run-down motel and she’d given me Spaghetti-O’s to eat and told me to watch TV.  She came in and sat down next to me a little while later.  I didn’t see the knife at first.  I saw it when she held it up over her head and stabbed me with it.  By then it was too late.  She stabbed me a total of eight times.  Then she stabbed herself in the throat.  I had to lay there and watch while she died not more than a few inches from me.  She smiled at me and that’s the last thing I remember until I woke up in the hospital a few days later.  It’s something I tend not to talk about for obvious reasons.

    That’s when I got introduced to the system.  Foster home after foster home.  Years and years of seeing kids that have been traumatized by their parents, left homeless because of deaths, and just plain messed up for no good reason.  I’m sure there are good places out there, places where people honestly care about the kids they are supposed to be looking after, but I hadn’t found one yet.  The ones I ended up with only cared about the checks that came from taking us in.  My first set of foster parents kept the fridge and the pantry door padlocked to make sure we only ate when we were supposed to.  We got a bath twice a week so that we wouldn’t run up the water bill.  We did get fed.  Grits every morning, a piece of bread and water for lunch, and then dinner was beans and cornbread.  We got fed just the minimal to keep us alive.  Real nice folks.  Hear the sarcasm? 

    After the neighbors reported them for God only knows what, we all got shipped off to different places.  That’s where I had my first encounter with the guys I referred to as Mr. Feely Hands.  Not a great name I know, but it’s what I came up with and it stuck with me.  Pedophiles the cops call them.  I was six and he was almost fifty.  He came into my room about an hour after all the kids went to bed.  There were eight of us and I was the only one who had my own room.  I didn’t know what it meant at that age, but I learned fast.

      I was almost asleep when I heard the door open and then he shuffled over to my bed.  Before I could ask what he was doing, he clamped his big beefy hand over my nose and mouth.  I can still remember the stench of the liquor on him.  He was all sweaty and his brown eyes were bright.  They reminded me of a rats eyes, small and shiny.  He told me to be quiet if I didn’t want to get hurt.

    Even at the tender age of six, I wasn’t stupid.  My mom had some pretty seedy boyfriends and she’d told me exactly what I was supposed to do if any of them ever scared me.  Scream my head off.  If I couldn’t scream then I was supposed to fight, bite, scratch and kick until I could scream.  That’s exactly what I did.  He went away bloody and I was hustled off to the E.R.  That was the only good thing my mom ever did for me, she taught me to fight.  Shame I just never realized she was the one I needed protection from.

    I spent the next ten years going from foster home to foster home.  Some worse than the others.  I ended up running away when I was twelve.  That’s how I ended up in Charlotte, North Carolina.  I stole a wallet at the train station in Jersey and bought a ticket to the first place I could afford with the money that was in the wallet.  Concord, North Carolina.  There’s a train station there.  I was on the streets for about a week when I got picked up for pick pocketing.  Social services in Charlotte placed me in a home while they figured out if they were going to ship me back to Jersey or not.  Four years and 10 foster homes later, I’m still in North Carolina.

    I was lucky enough that the social worker who landed my case here in the Queen City was one of the better ones.  She and I had a long talk about what I’d been through and she got the police to drop the theft charges.  She also made me realize that I had an out.  I could do something besides be a victim.  Nancy Morriarity was and is my saving grace.  She made me understand that if I wanted out of the life I’d been forced into, I would have to do it myself through hard work.  So I started working toward that.  My failing grades turned around and I started volunteering to make sure I had plenty of community service work for the college scholarship applications.  My mom may have turned me into a victim, but Nancy showed me that I was and am a survivor.  That’s why I’m here now, standing with the popular kids, smiling at the idiot joke Jake just made, and pretending I don’t see dead people.  I’m a survivor.

    “So, did you figure out what you are gonna do for your public speech on Friday, Mattie?�

    I focused my attention on Sam Jenson.  I hadn’t noticed her come up.  She and I were fighting for a spot on the debate team.  There was only one opening for a sophomore and we’re both determined to get it.  I need it for scholarship purposes, she only wants it because I do.  She hasn’t liked me since day one.  We took an immediate dislike to each other.  She’s a snob and I’m a smartass.  Put us in ring and I’d knock her on her snotty arse in 2.5 seconds.  Does she honestly think I’m gonna tell her what I’m doing?  Considering I’m standing with some people who are either bordering on drunk or well past that state, she probably assumes I’m in the same state as well.  Drunks say way too much.  Again, I’m not stupid.

    “Sure,�  I tell her, “but you’ll have to wait until Friday to hear it same as everyone else.�   I smile sweetly at her and snuggle under Jake’s arm.  She has a huge crush on him.  This I discovered from her friend Mimi.  The snuggling only makes her mad and she stomps off.  Good riddance.  I so don’t want to get into a cat fight tonight. 

    “You know that spot is yours,�  Jake whispers in my ear.  “I’ve heard you practicing.  Don’t worry about it.�

    “Do I look worried?�  I ask and breathe in the rich scent of Jake.  He smells clean and woodsy.  I’m not sure what kind of cologne he uses, but it’s addictive and I could stand here forever just basking in the warmth of the fire and enjoying the feel of Jake’s arms around me.  This is as close as I’ve ever come to being well, not happy, but I guess maybe content is the right word.  It’s another new feeling for me, but it’s one I sorta like.

    “No,�  Jake grins down at me, “but you do look very, very kissable.�

    I smile as he lowers his head and proceeds to kiss me until my toes curl.  Jake kisses better than any boy I’ve ever met.  Not that I’m a slut, mind you, I don’t sleep around.  I’m still a virgin, but I do enjoy the whole kissing aspect of dating.  Jake’s kisses make me want to rethink the whole not sleeping around though, which makes me worry too.  Not that he’s even said anything, but if he did, I’d have to think really, really hard and I don’t know what my answer would be.  It’s always been no before, but I’ve never met a guy I liked this much either.

    “Get a room,�  Tommy grouches, breaking our little interlude.

    Jake and I both laugh at Tommy’s disgruntled look.  He’d hit on me not more than an hour after I’d arrived to school the first day.  He’s never really gotten past the fact that I didn’t jump at the chance to let him in my pants.  I’m not sure why Meg puts up with his cheating ways, but again, not my business.

    The joke that’s on my tongue dies as a girl steps into the firelight.  She’s turned away from me, dressed in a bummy gray nightshirt, her hands bound behind her back.  Long stringy brown hair is matted with a dark sticky substance.  Oh, please, oh please, oh please, not here.  I want to avert my eyes, but I can’t because she’s just turned to face me, her eyes lost and scared.  There’s a small bullet hole in her head, almost exactly where it was on the dead kid’s earlier.  Her mouth is covered in duct tape and she can’t speak, but I don’t need her to.  I know her. 

    Sally.

I
And here was my review:

Mattie is not a bitch. LOLOLOL Mattie is my kind of character - the kind you fall in love with because this underdog jumps those hurtles and lands kicking. Excellent first chapter with the best hook I've seen in a long time. We get to see a normally bullied orphan take the bull by the horns and turn it ring back. Love it! She's bright, she's witty, she's a survivor.

My suggestions 9sorry, you know I always have them):

Don't screw with Mattie's Character. (just in case you missed that in the beginning of the review)

[Ignore](Disregard) them and they eventually [go away](leave).***so you don't use the same words so close together.

[jello-y] (Jell-O(ie))Jell-O is a brand name.

He went away bloody and I was hustled off (to )the E.R.

She and I had a long talk about what I’d been through and she got the police to drop the (theft )charges[ of theft].

That’s why I’m here now, standing with the popular kids, smiling at the idiot joke [the guy who’s got an arm wrapped arm] just made, and pretending I don’t see dead people.****huh?

Put us in (a )ring and I’d knock her on her snotty arse in 2.5 seconds.***goooo Mattie!

He’d hit on me not more than an hour after I’d arrived [to](at) school the first day.

I would probably add: (It's) Sally.

This has it all Apryl. Don't go jumping off this one, you have a winner here.



****Huff said,

Susan

Susan Stec wrote:

Apryl, I have to admit, I did not remember all the party stuff and the kids in the first draft. Maybe because you peppered it with Mattie; her background and snarky attitude (which I loved) is so damn interesting. I don't know why it is that I feel the first draft is so much more original, but I'm gonna stick to my response. I love the old Mattie.

Susan

I'm probably gonna rework most of it back in susan, the world be damned...lol.  I liked the original too, just maybe tone it down slightly with the excess background.  Maybe just mention that her mom tried to kill her, but save the details for later.  Think that'll work?

Susan Stec wrote:

maryapryl wrote:

Susan Stec wrote:

Apryl, I have to admit, I did not remember all the party stuff and the kids in the first draft. Maybe because you peppered it with Mattie; her background and snarky attitude (which I loved) is so damn interesting. I don't know why it is that I feel the first draft is so much more original, but I'm gonna stick to my response. I love the old Mattie.

Susan

I'm probably gonna rework most of it back in susan, the world be damned...lol.  I liked the original too, just maybe tone it down slightly with the excess background.  Maybe just mention that her mom tried to kill her, but save the details for later.  Think that'll work?

Yep, can't wait to read it. You'll get it. You always do.

Okay, updated the chapter, but didn't repost as it cost  WAY to many points to repost that much stuff.  Can you read over it and just drop your thoughts here please?

Gratzi, Susan!

Okay, so I reread the first chapter and I think it presents better with Mattie's background. I have a few suggestions for a few more cuts and some edits:

jello-y - a trade brand: JELL-O® I'd at least capitalize it.

Nobody, and I mean nobody(,) knows my secret.

I [wink and ]settle into the car[.  It’s cold outside and I’m](already) frozen.  I [didn’t dress for warmth, I] dressed to flirt.  Why we torture ourselves to look good, I’m not sure any of us can really answer.  Guys don’t go through half as much trouble[ as we do] to impress. [ All they do is throw on something and they look good. ] It’s so unfair.

All Meg cares about is spending Daddy’s money and keeping her boyfriend, Tommy James, happy.[  You wouldn’t think it’d be so hard.]  Meg(I'd use her full name here) is hands down the most popular girl in our school[,]( head cheerleader, [with ]perfect hair[ and](,) perfect skin.  I only wish I could look half so good[, but w](W)hat can you do?  You work with what you got.[  Anyways, back to Tommy.] 

The only thing I’ll [do is ]drink [a glass of](is) water I get myself from the tap.  I’m not[ a] stupid[ girl.  No way am I setting myself up to get](, no easy drug[ged] and rape[d] (for me).  Jake is a pretty decent guy, but I’ve only known him a couple weeks.  Who knows what he might be capable of when he’s drunk?  I’m a smart cookie.  I never take chances like that.

***move this down to start another paragraph:
Nothing upsets [her](Meg) more than a knock-off.  She is a fashionista in the worst sense of the word.  She plans on going to design school in New York when she graduates.

I did sound a little snarky, I admit to myself.  Not everyone’s father is the mayor(,) like Meg’s[ and can afford to dress in high fashion].  Look at me for example. I wear Wal-Mart clothes and I wear them proudly.[  I don’t go around trying to pretend.]  I think that’s why Meg and I get along so well.[  I know I’m broke and I wear what I can afford to the best of my ability. ] I don’t make pretenses of who I am and who I’m not.

“Just a little,�  I tell her.  “But I [guess I started](brought) it( up)[ by mentioning it] in the first place."   Even though I’d done it to stop a potential fight between Tommy and Jake, I felt bad.  It’s a new feeling for me.  I typically don’t let myself get attached[ enough to people to feel anything for them], but being around Jake and his family has made me start to rethink my whole me, myself, and I mentality.  [Not that I don’t have reason to keep people at arm’s length, but ]Jake is unthawing me just a bit.  I don’t know if I like it or not. 

My mom used to drag us from one city to the next, [always running from something ]until one day she stopped running.  I was five.

Foster home after foster home.[  Years and years of seeing kids that have been traumatized by their parents, left homeless because of deaths, and just plain messed up for no good reason.]  I’m sure there are good places out there, places where people honestly care about[ the] kids[ they are supposed to be looking after], but I hadn’t found one yet.  The ones I ended up with only cared about the checks that came from taking us in.  My first set of foster parents kept the fridge and the pantry door padlocked to make sure we only ate when we were supposed to.  We got a bath twice a week so that we wouldn’t run up the water bill.  We did get fed.  Grits every morning, a piece of bread and water for lunch, and then dinner was beans and cornbread.[  We got fed just the minimal to keep us alive.]  Real nice folks.  Hear the sarcasm?

I stole a wallet at the train station in Jersey and bought a ticket to the first place I could afford with the money[ that was] in the wallet.  Concord, North Carolina[.  There’s a train station there.  I](, and I) thumbed my way to Charlotte.  After about a week I got arrested[ up] for pick pocketing.  Social services in Charlotte placed me in a home while they figured out if they were going to ship me back to Jersey or not.

I was lucky [enough that the](my) social worker [who landed my case here] in the Queen City was one of the better ones.  She and I had a long talk about what I’d been through and she got the police to drop the theft charges.  [She also] made me realize [that I had an out.  ]I could [do](be) something besides be a victim.  Nancy Morriarity was and is my saving grace.  She made me understand that if I wanted out of the life I’d been forced into, I would have to do it myself through hard work. [ So I started working toward that.]  My failing grades turned around and I started [volunteering to make sure I had plenty of] community service work for[ the] college scholarship applications.  My mom may have turned me into a victim, but Nancy showed me that I[ was and] am a survivor.  That’s why I’m here now, standing with the popular kids, smiling at the idiot joke Jake just made, and pretending I don’t see dead people.  I’m a survivor.

[She hasn’t liked me since day one.  ]We took an immediate dislike to each other( from day one).


Okay, that's all I have - hope it helps. I really like the background on Mattie to balance the background at the party.

Susan

Last edited by Susan Stec (07-17-2012 09:08:39)