Well, I can't answer for men in general, but if I acted that way I would EXPECT to get hit upside the head if was lucky because I probably would get hit in a much more sensitive spot. So, yes there is most likely something simmering beneath such an outburst from a question which should garner at least a "what do you mean?" Or "Okay, let's talk. What are you feeling and how do we put it right?" or some such nonconfrontational sentiment to get the ball rolling - and/or maybe a spontaneous hug to break the ice.

At any rate, unless we don't have all the background story, such a response as you present is definitely not the norm, at least from my world view. Good luck in opening the much needed dialogue. Take care. Vern

Last edited by vern (06-19-2012 20:41:15)

Cate! Sorry... I know what you are experiencing.  It isn't 'men' in general. And sometime it is even reversed.  I am beginning to think 'living together' is a better idea.  The couple doesn't get too comfortable and take the other for granted as know he/she could leave.

How opening up to your husband and saying and asking such a simple question doesn't seem enough ammunition for the response you got. 

You can always try creating a romantic evening with all the 'drama' of candles/ etc etc etc.. if that fails?  Perhaps he is simply depressed as would explain the 'striking out' over a simple yet very important question. 

He needs to make himself feel important.. not you! What if you died tomorrow? His worth goes down the toilet? I don't THINK SO!  Does HE make you feel important? 

Make some close friends!  You could stop doing all those 'wifey things' and perhaps he might see all you do for him and his children.  It sounds to me he is jealous and feels 'writing' is your lover.  Come on! Loving someone is wanting him or her to be fulfilled along the way.  Did you write before you met him?  I bet yes!  So.. no surprise.  I also imagine it was one of the thing drawing him to you.  The creative mind is usually enjoyed by self assured others. 

Standing back and allowing the rudeness to continue is only saying 'it is okay to be rude' 'it is okay to demean me' 'it is okay to overlook all I do... well, it isn't and I bet many well adjusted real men would tell you the same thing.

I am 'unbiased' and though I have been used and abused by men in my life?  I still hold most in high esteem. 
Once you are comfortable and confident with yourself?  You won't allow the rudeness.  I would simply walk away. Don't engage when the other is being an ass.  Wait until there is a pleasant time and if that doesn't happen.. consider an affair!  Only kidding!  I know some of the techniques work as Robert uses them on me as I am the 'ass' most of the time.  Being on my own for twenty five years or so doesn't help me adjust to being part of a couple. I struggle and am totally an ass at times. 

You could ask him, 'how do you see us resolving this?' 

Now.. my fee is a sarcastic smilie!  ... sorta like that?

I was a marriage counselor for eighteen years in 1970!   

Dr. Flo.. Dr Ruth's tutor!

Last edited by flowing pencil (06-19-2012 20:49:29)

flowing pencil wrote:

Cate! Sorry... I know what you are experiencing.  It isn't 'men' in general. And sometime it is even reversed.  I am beginning to think 'living together' is a better idea.  The couple doesn't get too comfortable and take the other for granted as know he/she could leave.

How about opening up to your husband and saying and asking such a simple question doesn't seem enough ammunition for the response you got. 

You can always try creating a romantic evening with all the 'drama' of candles/ etc etc etc.. if that fails?  Perhaps he is simply depressed as would explain the 'striking out' over a simple yet very important question. 

He needs to make himself feel important.. not you! What if you died tomorrow? His worth goes down the toilet? I don't THINK SO!  Does HE make you feel important? 

Make some close friends!  You could stop doing all those 'wifey things' and perhaps he might see all you do for him and his children.  It sounds to me he is jealous and feels 'writing' is your lover.  Come on! Loving someone is wanting him or her to be fulfilled along the way.  Did you write before you met him?  I bet yes!  So.. no surprise.  I also imagine it was one of the thing drawing him to you.  The creative mind is usually enjoyed by self assured others. 

Standing back and allowing the rudeness to continue is only saying 'it is okay to be rude' 'it is okay to demean me' 'it is okay to overlook all you do... well, it isn't and I bet many well adjust real men would tell you the same thing.

I am 'unbiased' and though I have been used and abused by men in my life?  I still hold most in high esteem. 
Once you are comfortable and confident with yourself?  You won't allow the rudeness.  I would simply walk away. Don't engage when the other is being an ass.  Wait until there is a pleasant time and if that doesn't happen.. consider an affair!  Only kidding!

You could ask him, 'how do you see us resolving this?' 

Now.. my fee is a sarcastic smilie!  ... sorta like that?

I was a marriage counselor for eighteen years in 1970!   

Dr. Flo.. Dr Ruth's tutor!

Flo you crack me up... yes I wrote before I met him.  Yes it seemed to be part of the attraction... He's one of those very black and white people, and I live in a land of gray.... that has always been a stickler for us... but he's never behaved this poor towards me ever...We've been though a lot this year, and it's taken its toll on him.  If I were to die tomorrow he'd be lost.

symbolicangel wrote:

He turned down a cruise? Definitely smack him upside the head!

It's not difficult to communicate with someone who won't try, it's impossible. I learned that the hard way at the young age of 21 when my first husband left. It takes two people to argue, and it takes two people to work it out and stick with it for the long haul.

I really hope you're able to get through to him. You've survived cancer, so you're strong. Just keep trying.

Definitely if you can't get the other party to communicate it's a lost cause... I'm hoping he'll snap out of it...

@Cate

This sounds very familiar to me. My guy will stew for days, say nothing is wrong when I can plainly see different and when I have had enough and start ignoring him. 24 hours is what it takes for him to sit down and explain himself.

Men change in their fifties, and sixties and seventies. It's hormones, it's frustration, it's regret, it's sorrow, it's grief they are trying to deal with but as men they don't have the tools to examine what's bugging them or what to do about it. Their partner is the scapegoat, the fail safe, the caregiver no matter what. He is counting on that and does not need to try and make an effort to resolve the conflict he has created or help himself.

My suggestion is put on the brakes and decide right now that you will not put up with his bad behavior any longer and tell him. You don't deserve it, and it's a slippery slope to all out emotional abuse. He will balk, he will act up but if this relationship means anything to him he will eventually come to the table and converse sincerely with you. You may even get an apology.

Sorry, but this is not going to get better unless YOU act. Good luck, from someone that's been there.

duchesnay wrote:

@Cate

This sounds very familiar to me. My guy will stew for days, say nothing is wrong when I can plainly see different and when I have had enough and start ignoring him. 24 hours is what it takes for him to sit down and explain himself.

Men change in their fifties, and sixties and seventies. It's hormones, it's frustration, it's regret, it's sorrow, it's grief they are trying to deal with but as men they don't have the tools to examine what's bugging them or what to do about it. Their partner is the scapegoat, the fail safe, the caregiver no matter what. He is counting on that and does not need to try and make an effort to resolve the conflict he has created or help himself.

My suggestion is put on the brakes and decide right now that you will not put up with his bad behavior any longer and tell him. You don't deserve it, and it's a slippery slope to all out emotional abuse. He will balk, he will act up but if this relationship means anything to him he will eventually come to the table and converse sincerely with you. You may even get an apology.

Sorry, but this is not going to get better unless YOU act. Good luck, from someone that's been there.

You are absolutely correct!  Thanks for the advise.

Kydd Dustyn wrote:

Hi Cate, I don't have a clue about relationships these days, having never married after the death of my fiance back in the 80s, so not much I could say in terms of experience to help you, but I can do one thing.

I'm sending you a virtual hug!
{{Cate}}

Kydd

Thanks Kydd... I needed that!  And I'm so sorry about your loss.

Last edited by Cate Carpenter (06-20-2012 12:27:25)

Thank you everyone for the support and advice.  I really do appreciate it

Your words are crystal clear.  For you to say those words means there is an issue.  For him to respond as he did, means he knows it and is shitty because he thinks he can't express himself like you can. So he picks on the easiest and most obvious thing - the thing that separates you  - in his eyes the big thing - you can use words as a weapon so he's going to match you.

You love each other.  But you need to do some talking.  I think you're both on the same page, just mixing up the language a bit.

kiwi

ps:  good luck Cate.

Last edited by kiwi (06-21-2012 02:14:49)

Cate?  What are your feelings for this guy?  Do you 'respect' him?  Would you want your 'sister' to marry him or if she were married to his twin.. would you advise her to stay?   What would you tell your 'best friend?' I mean one so close you know her breathing is off.  Well, kiddo,  you should be your 'best friend' and being honest with self is hard. 

Leaving a marriage of 24 years was very hard as I didn't believe in divorce and the thought of hurting someone was devastating.  I actually tried it one more time.  Didn't work as too much water over the dam?   

Love IS not only having to 'say'  "I'm sorry." But also not repeating the same harm. 

One note of encouragement though.  I do know a marriage of thirteen years that I gave up on years ago.  Knew it was doomed and it got rather ugly.  Well, not going into details.. but some things changed and it is as if they found each other all over again.  Really wonderful to watch..

p

Something to consider...sometimes where your partner is at might have absolutely nothing to do with you, and all about them. In this case, sounds like he just bit you, but not because of anything you said. Just my humble opine? It sure was a nasty bite though, and something that might need re-consideration if it's a regular thing. my husband went through a McNasty phase at 55, and it seemed I barely knew him...turned out he was overwhelmed with depression. Things are better now. I was so angry with him at first that I left him to drown in it for awhile, but then I realized he might need help...turned out he did. I am sorry to say he was my rock for so many years that I was only thinking about myself, instead of wondering why he might be biting me. It was so out of character for him.

So, is this a long term pattern? Or do you think he might be in trouble and can't say so. These are the questions I asked myself, and then decided to be as helpful to him as I could, with extra kindness and support and no questions that might push him farther away. After about a month of that, he finally opened up (or cracked open might be a better description) and then he started looking for help instead of escape. It can be hard to tell if someone is becoming abusive or if they are falling apart. I wish I could help more, but that's really all I have in a nutshell. I hope you post more if things get worse. Outside perspectives really can make a difference, and everyone here is certainly 'otherwise unaffected' which can be critical for good insights.

I sure do wish you the best, and believe me, writing is not stupid....I think it is the bravest and loneliest leap anyone could make. Fortunately we can find little corners like this site to huddle together in for a little while, like fox holes:)

Make sure you try to stay a step back from your interactions with him...too close right now could lead you to some painful scars. You don't have to go down with anyone...ever!

It's sometime hard to break the cycle of taking loved ones for granted. Not me. Not any more. Had too many people close to drop like flies lately. I admit to zoning out in front of the TV over the years. What a bunch of wasted time; watching other people live their lives. Life is too short. Live a little.