Thanks Tirzah,

I've had the same problem.  I'm hoping to do better with everybody's help.

Wes

If it were easy, everyone would do it.

I have issues with tense myself.  We all have something that drives us bonkers.

Tirz is my go to girl when I need help with something now. She gave me great advice on how to make my character less creepy...SHE nailed it. I highly recommend we all ask her for advice and often!!

Thanks Tirz you really helped me a lot with Nichole!

dags

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/sh … -tell.aspx

Or read my short story, THE WOMAN IN THE WOOD

Kevin, you can help create a visual of your character by putting them into action, rather than just trying to describe a cardboard cutout standing idle. How a person goes about doing anything, or how they react to something in their environment, helps creates an image.

Plus, you can incorporate their physical features in a sentence loaded with action. Example: Brad spun a six-shooter in each hand before holstering the Colts and running strong fingers through his unruly long hair.

If a character walked into a room and tripped over a small dog, his reaction would tell a lot about his character: he kicked the dog with all his might, or he knelt down to see if the dog was all right.

Giving your character a profession, and physically describing him as he goes about his job duties helps create a visual: Robert E's arms, bulging from years of blacksmithing . . . his face, weathered from a decade of standing over the fire and bellows necessary for a blacksmith . . . . or worse, frightened of horses (not good for a blacksmith).

Even how a character does something as mundane as opening a drawer -- does he yank it open, or cautiously slide it out, as though he's afraid something is in the drawer he doesn't want to see; or he just isn't overly masculine in his actions; or he has a suspicious nature and he's looking for evidence against his girlfriend.

Thanks for the help everyone. I will post rough draft in this thread. Very much appreciated.

kevin.gagnon wrote:

I hope it's o.k that I ask this question here. I've come to really enjoy the feedback from the people who frequent here.

I'm very discouraged and wondering if I started to bite more than I could chew as a writer. In lesson 1 of my Long Ridge course I am to write a 500 word description of a person that I know. No matter how many different people I've tried writing about, no matter how much information I have about each one I can't seem to "show" rather than "tell". I keep on "telling" about the person instead of of showing who the person is. I can't seem to put a person into a setting and bring all the characteristics together to describe the person. I  come up with a 500 word description that is mostly just telling and no flow to it.

Does anyone have anything that could help me out with this instead of my plans to just quit the course. I feel discouraged because I can't imagine most who take on this course has this much difficulty with just lesson 1.

Thanks for your time.

Kevin

Translate description into actions.

For example, if he "gets angry quickly" then write a sequence where he hits somebody for no reason.

That's what Coppolla did in THE GODFATHER. He wanted to show Sonny was quick tempered so he's shown throwing a photographer's  camera onto the ground.

It's probably one of the most important lessons.

Last edited by worldmap (02-20-2012 14:07:15)

Hi Kevin, I was saddened by this story but warmed by the people in the community who tried to care for this woman.

Please take my comments with a grain of salt, it's just my opinion.  Seeing your character through the boy's eyes was a nice touch, but this needs a good editing. There's some misspelled words, and repetition of words and phrases that pin you as an amateur writer.

You listed characteristics at the end, citing that she likes to tell stories and has a quick temper. However, you did not show either of these traits in this piece.

One word to try and stay clear of is "very", it's a crutch. Use stronger nouns and verbs and you won't have to rely on this. You wouldn't necessarily say "he's very dead" (he's either dead or not) so don't rely on "very" unless it's really called for.

Add some white space, it's easier on the reader's eyes. Break the second graph into at least three. You also use a lot of passives here, but I get the impression it's not on purpose, that it's another amateur mistake. Passive is dragging down the pace throughout your story.

We could use more motivation on the part of the old lady, like why she won't move into the nice house (which would have been a huge undertaking to get down a logging road and put it out in the woods for her. If I was one of the townsfolk that went to that much trouble, and then she wouldn't live in it, I'd be pissed!)

You did a good job of describing her physically, but could engage a reader with a little more backstory about her, such as her family situation or how she came to be living alone in the woods. (Her husband left one day to go hunting and never returned, so she refuses to leave, waiting for his return; she's hiding from the Kaiser; she was a Nazi -- give us something).

I admit I was very curious why she refused to move into the nicer (and warmer) house.

One writer's tool you may want to invest in is AutoCrit. It would help with the repetition and passives.

So I did my own editing, and this is what I came up with (based on what you wrote so far):

Most people know Hilda as the woman who lives in a shack in the woods. She seemed old to me, maybe in her 50s, but I might have been deceived by the color of her hair and her wrinkles. The shack is about seven miles from town, down an abandoned logging road. For reasons unknown, she refuses to live in the house next door that was moved there especially for her, a house much better insulated against the cold. People who have known her a long time and helped her in the past have given up. "I'm a very stubborn German," she would often say in her heavy old world accent.

I went to visit her as a boy with my father, one of the few people who took an interest in her well being. I remember walking into the shack for the first time and Hilda handed me a rusty toy which looked like it might have come from Germany. The toy was interesting to look at, old enough to have been one of her own toys. She offered us something to drink; I remember saying "no" instantly, in fear of what she would serve. The shack was a scary place for a little boy at that time. Her loud and strangely accented voice did little to alleviate my fears.

As a typical little boy, I took the opportunity to stare at her while she put wood in the fireplace. She was wearing clothes too large for a woman her size. The clothing looked more like belonging to a large man, maybe her husband, although I had never heard of anyone else living there with her. The clothing was dirty and as greasy as her hair. She turned around and caught me watching her with a serious and frightened look on my face.

To her credit, she started to talk soothingly to me, relaying a tale of adventure in those very woods. I guessed she was trying to make me feel comfortable, so I accepted the offer of something to drink. She produced a soda bottle from a little white cooler. I couldn't find an expiration date, but drank it anyway, and gave her my thanks.

Our visit was ending and it was time to say goodbye. I remember every time we would leave, Hilda shed tears and sometimes even sobbed, making my father and I both feel terrible. She must have been very lonely living out there alone. I became very attached to Hilda after that first visit, and throughout my childhood, looked forward to hearing her stories, whether they were true or not. Hilda still lives in that old shack, refusing to even step foot in the nice house next door, for reasons she refuses to share.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

I was just trying to flesh things out a bit more. Good luck in your class.  Please fix Seems in your description list. It should be Seams. Sharon

Last edited by crazeesharon (02-21-2012 14:18:06)

You could also do it in real time even though it's a memory.

The air smelled of burnt bread and smoke but as Hilda stepped out out of her shack and lifted her tobacco stained fingers in greeting, I clenched my dad's callous hand.   

Even if it's in the past, it doesn't mean you can't describe it as if it's happening.  Put it in the now.  You pulled up to Hilda's shack.  You saw, smelled, tasted, touched and so on.

Last edited by TirzahLaughs (02-21-2012 15:46:51)

O.k here it is edited a bit more. I tried putting it in the now and found that difficult to do. Maybe that's where I struggled before because the other times I had been trying to write in the now. When I thought about Hilda I started writing in the past and it came a bit easier to me. I will continue to try a "now" version, but for now here is the rough draft edited a bit more than it was. Still a lot of work to do but I will eventually just have to send it in and let the instructor guide me from there.

523 Words
************************

Most people know Hilda as the women who lives in a shack in the woods. She was old to me, maybe in her 50’s, but I might be deceived by her color of hair and wrinkles. The shack is about seven miles from town, down a logging road. For reasons unknown to everyone she chooses not to live in the house right next door that was moved there for her fifteen years prior. An inherited house from a family member the house is much better insulated for the cold winters. Many townsfolk have tried to persuade her to move into the house. She would reveal a temper when she responded to their pressure “I’m a very stubborn German, and I don’t want to move into the house.

When I went to visit her as a boy with my father who is one of the few who have had an interest in her well being. I remember walking into the shack for the first time and Hilda handed me an old rusty toy, which looked like it might a came from Germany. The toy looked old enough to have been her own toy when she was a child. She offered us something to drink; I answered immediately “no" in fear of what she would be serving. This shack was a scary place for a little boy. Her loud German accent voice didn’t help alleviate my fears.

As a typical little boy curiously stared at her while she put wood in the fireplace. I observed that she was wearing clothes that appeared way too large for a women of her size. The clothing looked more like belonging to a large man I thought, but I had never heard my father say anything about anyone else living there with her. Her clothing was dirty and looked greasy like her hair. She turned around and caught me staring at her with a serious and scared look on my face as if I was caught doing something wrong.

I think she knew it because she started to talk soothingly to me as if an attempt to make me feel more comfortable She would tell me tales of her life in the woods. She cried when she told me about her pet dogs over the years that she lost to a logging truck passing by. I started to feel comfortable enough to take her up on that offer for a drink. She reached into her little white cooler and pulled out a can of soda. I graciously thanked her while looking for an expiry, there was none, but drank it anyway.

Our visit was ending and we had to say goodbye. I remember every time we would leave Hilda would shed tears, and sometimes even sobbed, making both my father and I feel terrible. She must a felt lonely out there alone in those woods. I remember just that first visit being attached to Hilda from that day forward. We would frequently visit her throughout my childhood. Hilda still lives in that old shack, refusing to move into the house next door, for reasons she refused to share.

*********************

Last edited by kevin.gagnon (02-22-2012 04:46:41)

It's very visual. 

But I still think some touch, sound, taste wouldn't hurt.

Kevin, I like Lucy's version a lot, it's more stream lined and to the point, where yours still rambles a bit. You could add that there was some feud among Hilda'a family and that's why she refuses to live in the house, or she thinks it's haunted. It leaves a very unanswered question about why she won't live in the house, unless she's mentally ill, which could be played up more.

You are telling instead of showing when you say "would reveal a temper" -- show an action that depicts her as having a temper. Example: I remember becoming frightened one day when she pitched the water pail across the room when my father pushed her to  move into the house next door.

Tirzah has also made a good point. Add at least the smell of the shack (I'm sure it wasn't pleasant). There's an old guideline in writing about plugging in the senses: sight, smell, sound, touch, taste and emotions, to help ground your reader in the scene. I've been in such a shack with such a filthy person. My eyes watered and I got a disgusting taste in my mouth from the awful smell.

Keep plugging away, that's how we all learn to write. Sharon

Last edited by crazeesharon (02-22-2012 14:34:33)