Maybe it's unfair since I know I want to read Eolyn....but I like the blurb too.

You have:

In a land ravaged by civil war, the Mage King Kedehen initiates a brutal purge of the Magas. Fleeing his wrath, Eolyn finds refuge in the South Woods, becoming the sole heiress to a millennial tradition.

Her destiny unfolds when she meets Akmael, Kedehen’s loyal son.  Their friendship thrives on magic, but it will lead them down a tortuous path of love, betrayal and war, until one day the Maga Eolyn takes up arms against the Mage King.

Must Eolyn slay the man she loves in order to free herself and her people? 

The answer lies in the extraordinary magic Eolyn commands, and in the hidden power of a Maga’s heart.

I say:

In a land ravaged by civil war, the Mage King Kedehen initiates a brutal purge of the Magas. Fleeing his wrath, Eolyn, daughter of the last of the Magas and sole heiress to their millennial tradition, seeks refuge in the South Woods.

There she meets the mysterious child, Achim, and forms a friendship that thrives on shared magic. Destiny leads them a tortuous path of love, betrayal and war, until the Maga Eolyn takes up arms against the new Mage King.

Must Eolyn slay the man she loves in order to free herself and her people? 

The answer lies in the extraordinary magic Eolyn commands, and in the hidden power of a Maga’s heart.

Not very different really.

I especially like the way your blurb isn't strictly accurate (it's not lying of course, but because it necessarily glosses over much, it gives a slightly misleading impression as to how the book starts. This is a good thing as I have noticed most good blurbs do exactly that).

For those of you who are interested, I've now posted Ginger Prewitt's map of Moisehén on my blog for EOLYN.  You can access it here:

The Kingdom of Moisehén

This map was designed for the first book, and so does not include the outlying territories of the Syrnte, Roenfyn, etc.   But it should give you a good feel for the internal layout of the kingdom.

We are just four weeks away from the release of EOLYN, and three weeks from its first debut in the pre-launch party, so my days have been very busy.  I do hope to post the completed version of ch 20 of 'High Maga' in the next few days; and if you are waiting to hear from me in terms of responses or reviews, you will soon. 

Thanks for your patience.

oh -- I'll be posting a version of this message elsewhere on the forum, so apologies to those who are experiencing message dejavu...

Thanks, Susan.  I really appreciate you posting the review here.  The system is so random in terms of who gets to do a second review when a chapter is reposted. 

I'll have a look at those nits.  I don't know when the next chapter will be up at this point -- been feeling way to distracted with Eolyn stuff lately.  But I've got some ideas on where I want it to go, so I'll see what I can do.

Thanks again!

Readers of HIGH MAGA --

As you may have noticed, I've reposted Chapter 1 under a different chapter title.  This is a major reworking of the previous version, especially the first 1/3 of the chapter, so if you could have a look at some point I'd really appreciate it.

Also, I have disabled many of the intermediate chapters.  My absence from posting these many past weeks has given me time to rethink many details of the characters and their background, and to reconsider how I've set up (or failed to set up) certain aspects of the story that will become increasingly important as we move forward.  So, I'm going to devote the coming weeks to rewrites, fleshing out certain details that need fleshing out.  And changing things that need to be changed as a consequence.  Chapters that undergo a major reworking (such as chapter 1) will be reposted; chapters that receive only minor edits or no edits at all will simply be tweaked accordingly. 

Thanks so much for your patience with this process.  I know sometimes it seems like we're going one step backwards for every two steps forward (hahah-- that's because we are ), but I need to follow my muse in terms of crafting this piece as I write it. 

Also, with summer break having begun, I've been able to recuperate some of my old rhythm for reviews, so hopefully all of you will be hearing more from me on your own work in the coming weeks.

Thanks again.

Pura vida.

Guess who's back in full pester mode?

Akmael studied his cousin in {1.wary contempt}, {2. angered} once more by the capriciousness of the Gods, that they should have seen fit to take away so fine and straightforward an advisor as Tzeremond and leave this man – who never once lied and yet had proven a master of deception.

In my never-humble-opinion, this sentence tells in two spots.  To me these are tells because you the author tell me that Akmael is studying Corry with wary contempt. Then you tell me me that Akmael is angered by the God's capriciousness.  I would leave Tell 1 because trying to show a complex emotional mindset like wary contempt would take a lot of sentences that it doesn't warrant since the true crux of the passage is that he's angered. So I would think that would be shown. It's not a big thing but since it's just as easy to show in this instance. Why not?

Akmael studied his cousin in wary contempt. Curse the Gods and their capriciousness. They robbed him of a fine and forthright advisor like Tzeremond and leave this man – who never once lied and yet had proven a master of deception.   (To me this "shows" his anger and changing the verb "rob" also shows anger and how unfair he feels it is and reinforces the capriciousness idea.)

Last edited by knighthawk (06-19-2011 11:32:53)

I wholeheartedly agree with the idea of balance between showing and telling. I don't point out any telling, unless I suspect it is a pivotal scene, because I believe that those are what should be shown.

My reasoning here was thus: Clearly Akamel's mistrust of Corey is going to play into the plot in some way or you wouldn't have brought it up. So that means I think you want that mistrust clear in the Reader's mind so when it plays out in the plot it is properly foreshadowed instead of feeling like deux ex machina. I believe the way to make something memorable is to show rather than tell.

And now I will shut my big mouth on the topic.

I'm a little concerned my current pattern of reposting might get confusing for some folks, since I'm not so much rewriting every chapter, as I am going back and making specific changes in certain places.  (Changes that need to be made -- for me anyway -- before moving forward.)

So just as an update, these are the reposts so far:

Chapter 1:  Kel'Baru

Chapter 4:  Mechnes

Chapter 6:  Ghemena

The intervening chapters (2, 3 and 5) will not be reworked at this time -- not because they're "perfect", but because they're close enough to where I want them to be for the moment. 

Thanks again to everyone for your help and feedback.

rita aguilar wrote:

I'm a little concerned my current pattern of reposting might get confusing for some folks, since I'm not so much rewriting every chapter, as I am going back and making specific changes in certain places.  (Changes that need to be made -- for me anyway -- before moving forward.)

So just as an update, these are the reposts so far:

Chapter 1:  Kel'Baru

Chapter 4:  Mechnes

Chapter 6:  Ghemena

The intervening chapters (2, 3 and 5) will not be reworked at this time -- not because they're "perfect", but because they're close enough to where I want them to be for the moment. 

Thanks again to everyone for your help and feedback.

Did I miss chapter 4?  I know I got 1 and 6.
Susan

matt wrote:

Got my copy of Eolyn from Amazon a few days ago. Congratulations! Maybe when I finish it, I'll send it for you to autograph.

Once again - major congratulations.

matt

Thanks, Matt.  I would love to sign it; just let me know and we'll work something out.

Ann Walters wrote:

Oh, Rita, I just finished reading Eolyn. I have been glued to it all weekend. It is truly a pleasure, girl. Loved it very much. I can hardly wait for school to start so I can share it with my sixth graders.

Thanks, Ann.  I'm so glad you enjoyed it; that means a lot to me.  If you have a chance -- and are so inclined -- I'd appreciate an Amazon review.  Doesn't have to be 5 stars; just your honest impressions. 

I hope your sixth graders enjoy it as much as you did. 

Hey Everyone,

So, this season of rewrites is almost over.  I've gone back and strengthened certain threads that I thought needed reinforcement; but have left other issues alone to be tended to later.  Some of the chapters have not been changed, others have minor edits that did not warrant reposting.  Chapters that have been reposted (and that I would very much appreciate you taking the time to review, even if you've read them already) include the following:

Chapter 1:  Kel'Baru

Chapter 4:  Mechnes

Chapter 6:  Ghemena

Chapter 8:  Mage Corey

Chapter 11:  Complacencey

Chapter 19:  Corey's Promise

Chapter 20 needs to have a few plot elements tweaked, and will likely be reposted in the coming days.  After that, we'll be on to new material for Chapter 21 and beyond.  Hooray!

Thanks again to everyone for your help and feedback, and especially for your patience with this process.


(I've posted this same message elsewhere in the forum, so if you're experiencing forum dejavu, my apologies.)

Printed both. Thanks for the heads up, Rita.