§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention? Not really grab my attention but they continue well enough from the previous chapter. Chapter 9 has the most interesting opening. Chapter 7 and Chapter 8 need some "had"s removed. I have been dealing with this in my work as well.
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is? Abby trying to reach outside of her comfort zone and Ben coaxing her to do it. Also Abby has a hard time believing their relationship will continue to work out.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. Yes

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? Dialogue is good
§    Point of view – Is it consistent? Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  There is more telling than showing and also passive voice needs to be rooted out a little.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. Very few.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Easy to read.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? yes

For Romantic Suspense N/A

§    Is there enough action?
§    Does the story move quickly?
§    Is the tension level high?
§    Are the protagonists strong?
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well. I like both Ben and Abby. They are both realistic likable people and they have a sweet relationship

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. There needs to be a little less passive voice. I can't believe I'm saying this because I have to work on that a lot too but now that I am starting to see it in my own writing I am recognizing it in other's as well. Do a search in word for the word "had" and the word "was" and you will see what I mean

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
I like the story. I think it is a good one, especially after having read it all the way to the end. If the passive voice is worked on and there is a little more showing than telling, I think it will be the complete package.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
They all work pretty well. Didn't notice any intro drag.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is? Some internal tension over meeting the families. You don't really have enough conflict. You could start to show some splinters that need to be picked out. Relationships are rarely so smooth, like with the Christmases being so perfectly arranged, with one family meeting on Christmas Eve and another on Christmas day. Maybe her family meets on both days, mine does generally, and she's a bit disappointed. I mean having Christmas dinner without her aging grandparents, as she's done it all her life, would have her sad at least.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes, but if you're going to keep the holiday scenes, you need to give the sibs more personality and distinct voices, make them more memorable. Like Ben's mother is cool, you could insert more there, but we don't get to see or hear her upset over the tatoo. Some of that could spill into the living room. Abby should at least be sitting there all awkward and tense. Show that, like her munching on way more cashews than she should so she can occupy her shaking fingers.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? No. More scents and tastes and a tad more description is needed.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. Everyone feels real, but there's this distance between Abby and the reader and you need to fix that. It feels like we're observing everything. We need to engage and feel a part of what's going on.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? Dialogue is good

§    Point of view – Is it consistent? Yes, but you need to go much deeper. Abby generally hangs out on the surface of everything rather than exposing her raw, honest emotion. I loved the wedding scene. Her upset after her dream wouldn't let go, and it almost ruined her whole day. Even though you were talking about wedding stuff, I was constantly aware of that sense of doom. That's what you want more of, emotions that filter through everything. If she's happy, change the tone to match. Have her commentary be more jovial and upbeat. When she's frightened, infuse a bit more anxiety, like you did in the wedding.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  Too much telling, strip out passive voice, go for vivid verbs, depict the emotions of others through visuals rather than just saying he looked upset or whatever. Show that, red face, clenched hands, furrowed brow.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. Not many.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Easy to read.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? yes

For Romantic Suspense N/A

§    Is there enough action?
§    Does the story move quickly?
§    Is the tension level high?
§    Are the protagonists strong?
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well. I liked the initial exchange. Very cute, which made them feel more solidified.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. A deeper narrative that exposes more than observations. Have her commenting more.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
By making her voice more colorful and engaging and inserting some conflict. It will feel more real if Ben and Abby don't have everything ironed out before a conversation even starts.

Chapters 1 - 3

Checklist


§  Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Chapter 1 – Yes.  I want to read more about this character and feel that the opening paragraph pulls me in and lets me know in just a few sentences that she’s not so thrilled about turning twenty-five.  I’m already in her corner.

Chapter 2 – Yes and No.  The first few sentences don’t necessarily draw me in right away, per se, but I like Abigail already so I want to read on.  I do like the list and am thinking maybe one or two short sentences before introducing the list might have more impact, and then move on to detail what’s been going on with the car, etc.

Chapter 3 – Yes.  I like the descriptiveness and can almost feel Abigail rushing around as she’s trying to get ready.

§  Conflict – Can you identify what it is?

I know what the conflict is (she’s not too sure of herself and doesn’t have a great track record) and I know where you are going with your story, but I don’t feel drawn into the conflict.  From your synopsis, I can tell you don’t want to use the standard romance formula where the girl meets boy, there’s tension, and eventually they get together so you have for the most part eliminated the tension.  The only is issue is that there needs to be some conflict to keep the reader interested and help them relate (I wish there was such a thing as a perfect relationship, but I’ve yet to see one, and I’ve been happily married for twenty years).

§  Plot – Is it believable?

Yes, the plot is believable, but as I mentioned under conflict, for the story to be really believable, there has to be some downs (this makes the ups so much better).

§  Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?

Yes.  You’ve done an excellent job of this.

§  Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
   
Abigail is believable, but I find Ben to be a little difficult for me to put my arms around.  Such a great guy would have been scooped up long ago.  I almost want to find out he has some deep, dark secret in his past that has made it difficult for him to commit, or something along those lines.


§  Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

I really like your dialogue.  It’s believable.

§  Point of view – Is it consistent? Yes.

§  Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
   
I get stuck on this one, because for me it’s a matter of opinion which one is better (show versus tell).  In some cases I do want to be told and in some cases it makes more sense being shown.  That being said, I’m personally happy with your balance.  I haven’t felt the need to skip over any paragraphs because there is too much tell.

§  Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.   A few, but not enough to distract.

§  Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

The writing is very easy to read.  I don’t find this preachy at all, but am still waiting for the boom to be lowered somewhere along the line.

§  Prose – Is there any purple prose?  No – definitely not.


For Romantic Suspense

I don’t think this falls under the category of romantic suspense.

Give overall impressions of the chapter:

§  What you liked most and what worked well.

I think the writing is crisp and the characters are well written.  Your dialogue is wonderful and helps to move the story along.

§  What you liked least or feel could have been done better.

I feel like some additional tension and a little more history about Ben would be helpful.  I also think it would help to make the story completely believable if Ben has some weaknesses, too (it’s easy to identify Abigail’s weaknesses and I look forward to seeing her become stronger as the story progresses)


§  How do you think the story could be improved?

I feel that in many ways this character is directly speaking to me, letting me inside her head, but I don’t feel the same way about Ben (I realize this is being told from Abigail’s perspective) and would like to see more of Abigail’s insights into Ben.

Final note:  I like these characters and want to see them develop both individually and as a couple.  I realize they are young and might not have had to deal with a lot of conflict in their history, but a bit more conflict in their developing relationship would work well.  At some point I am hoping Abigail becomes more self-confident.  I always think a partner, especially a life partner, should complement who you are, not make you a whole person.

Thanks Amarie!  I always love your feedback, I hope my spastic ratings of your reviews were intelligible enough to show that.

I know I owe you in depth reviews on the last five chapters, I owe for Scales and Other Lies for like 6 chapters!  I am not usually this behind on things, I'm just dealing with a lot of personal stuff right now.  I'll get to it, I SWEAR!

Rachelle,
I am amazed that you were able to post your entire book.
You asked me some questions in the review feedback and I will try to answer them here.
Re: ski lodges
Downhill Skiing is a fairly expensive hobby and ski lodges attract that type of crowd. I cross country so when I have visited a ski lodge I was very aware of the differences.
Most lodges would have a very fancy shop with sales of ski equipment and ski clothing. Since the mountains determine where the lodges are, there are usually more than one lodge in an area. Most ski areas have many fancy and expensive shops selling all types of clothing (not just for skiing) and there's lots of night life in the area too. You have a great opportunity to have a scene with rich Ben buying Abby all kinds of stuff and her reaction.
The problem in the scene with Ben and Abby arguing is that there is not enough conflict. Its wonderful that they are such nice people but books need conflict.
Hope this helps.
Here's my blog if you want to contact me:
http://scalesandotherlies.com/wordpress/

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
19-great
20-great
21-great
§    Conflict – Ben wrestling with emotions, trying to get over Abby.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Ben's part, yes. I think there's could be more anger.


§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Yes.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. They all seem real.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? Dialogue is excellent

§    Point of view – Is it consistent? Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? You could have some more show.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. not many

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Easy to read.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? yes
For Romantic Suspense N/A

§    Is there enough action?

§    Does the story move quickly? yes. it's a good pace.

§    Is the tension level high? it could be more tense.

§    Are the protagonists strong? yes, for the circumstances.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well. That the gods seem to be conspiring against Ben. Abby is everywhere. With a breakup, not that I've had one like this, the person and memories are attached to everything.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?

By stripping out some passives. Adding more emotion in chapter in 19 & 20. 21 is almost perfect--maybe there could be more of a battle at the end though.

Amarie-

Thank you for taking the time to do this when I've been so slack on your end.  My evening tomorrow just opened up, so I'm going to do yours for all the chapters I've missed so far!

I like your ideas about adding in more wrestling from Ben and some more details on the expectations of Abby's column.  I kind of was basing it off of the "Real Guy" column in Glamour magazine, if you've ever seen that.  "Jake" talks about his personal life and being a single guy in NYC, and it's one of my favorite columns to read.  I'll see if I can't work that in to the chapters where abby gets the columns, that the magazine wants her to write about personal stuff.  I've been toying with the idea of including one of her columns earlier in the book, before she leaves, to give readers a sense of what her column is like.  Do you think that would help?

I've posted a brand new (very short) prologue to Twenty-Five.  Hopefully it will give the reader some insight as to where Ben and Abby are as they begin this journey

Hey Loretta!  I missed this earlier, somehow.  If you want to email me, feel free to send it straight to me at rachelhamm@gmail.com.

I'm so happy you checked out 25 and it grabbed you, really, you have no idea how much that means to me!  I am not sure if our group is still going, I haven't seen anything new posted since the beginning of November, but I'll send amarie a message (she's the moderator) and see what I can find out.

Thanks so much for the tips on smoking.  And congrats on quitting!  My dad quit 7 months ago after 30 years!  I'm really proud of him, but I still worry about what those 30 years are going to do to him in the long run.

Intuition, faith, I kinda see them as the same thing so

Let me know when you do post and I'll most definitely check it out.

Thanks amarie!

I don't know if my story will fit here.  Here's the current working blurb:

When the annual Mansfield Gala ends in murder, Rose Donovan -- Hollywood's newest singing sensation -- is arrested sending shockwaves through the city and Rose on a journey of the soul. Vern Stockwell, a southern-born attorney, and his team of investigators take Rose's case. Sparks fly between Vern and Ruby Rae Frances -- the headliner at the Mansfield Supper Club and Rose's best friend.  Secrets and lies are uncovered which could save Rose but could destroy everyone she loves.


So, yes I suppose it could be considered a romance because Ruby and Vern are falling in love in the present and we experience Rose's marriage as it happened in the past, but there are elements of erotica, courtroom drama, crime/mystery, and graphic violence as well.  And I'm thinking about adding a partridge in a pear tree. Vern is the main protagonist for 2/3rds of the book and Rose is the MC for the other 1/3rd.  Would it be too strange to have a male MC?

I guess we could always decide after I post the first 4 chapters or so ~ that should give you a fairly good idea of what it's all about.  If it works out, I'd love to join the group!

Happy holidays and we'll talk again in January!

Loretta

**Sorry, Rachel ~ didn't mean to hijack your thread ~ probably isn't the best place for this post. Ooops**

Last edited by Loretta Meredith (12-22-2009 23:53:03)

Loretta Meredith wrote:

**Sorry, Rachel ~ didn't mean to hijack your thread ~ probably isn't the best place for this post. Ooops**

haha- no problem