rach_elle wrote:

I nearly fell out of my chair re-reading chapter 6!  whew... i'm blushing just thinking about it

LOL Glad it had the desired effect.

LOL, well since I have had so many broken hearts over my lifetime, giving myself to men that were not worthy, because in many ways I am very much like Abby, I can't argue with being particular. There is absolutely no feeling on earth like making love to someone that you truly love and who loves you in return. The trick is to save it for that circumstance. Anyone can have sex and it can be pretty good. Making love with the right person, however, is a soul shattering, life altering experience.

Chapters 1-6

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?
1- yes. the description is great.
2- yeah. it's fine. I like how her thoughts veer naughtily and she spills what she's thinking.
3- the first sentence was blah but I loved the rest of the paragraph, so it works for me.
4- it's okay. Since it's the norm, is a guy soooo aware of his morning erection though, like he needs and wants sexual release right then? I'll have to take a poll. A writer needs to know.
5- it's okay.
6- yes

§ Conflict- can you identify what it is?
yes- mostly Cassie battling her sexual urges with her self-doubt and skewed concepts of sex acts and her attractiveness. John not wanting to get involved...much.

§ Plot- is it believable?
yes. very.

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?
yes. i think so.

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?
yes, they feel very believable and real.

§ Dialogue- is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
dialogue is excellent!

§ Point of View- is it consistent?
yes. I think the voices could be deepened even more. in places it sounds like translated narration.

§ Show vs. Tell- are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
the showing is much better.

§ Grammar and Spelling- are there too many grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors?
not many

§ Style/ Tone- is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
great style.

§ Prose- is there any purple prose?
no, I don't think so

For specific sub-genres e.g. Historical and Regency Romance
§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
n/a

For Romantic Suspense
§ Is there enough action?
yes

§ Does the story move quickly?
yes

§ Is the tension level high?
yes

§ Are the protagonists strong?
yes

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?
n/a

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.
i love the changes. i think chapter 6 is fabulous now. it's full of sensations and feels erotic now instead of daunting. and i really like it her her perspective. it totally works. she goes from timid to empowered.

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
i think john's voice still needs some work. it doesn't sound like genuine guy's voice in spots. like a few paragraphs in where he's describing her parts, it sounds kind of noir: She had eyes a man could drown in. They were blue in some lights but green in others, and they reflected all of her emotions. Her body was great, tall and slender with sleekly muscled arms and shoulders. And those long legs made me think of how they would feel wrapped around my hips. *this just sounds too prim for a guy's perspective.

§ How do you think the story could be improved?
i think if sex were so miserable and degrading for her in the past that she wouldn't be so horny early on. when we see her in chapter 6, it appears to be a bit of a contradiction. if you change it so it's not sex in general she craves, but WONDERFUL, GOOD sex with a tender, caring man, for a change, then it would create a necessary bridge.

Good work on the cleanup.

Chapters 7-9

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?
7- It's not the most breathtakingly amazing first paragraph, but I think it works well for setting up the scene

8- Again, not really popping off the page, but it does a good job of setting up the scene

9- Sense of foreboding- Good

§ Conflict- can you identify what it is?
7- Yes, Cassie wants John, Cassie can't have John because he isn't there!

8- John tries to show Cassie, and her friends, and her ex, his intentions

9- Cassie doesn't know that John wants to be in a relationship, he has to make sure she believes him

§ Plot- is it believable?

Yes

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?

Yes

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?

I'd like to know more about George, but I think that comes later on in the novel.

§ Dialogue- is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

Great dialogue.  Cassie and John seem to be able to converse easily with one another, it isn't forced, and it sounds like how actual people talk!

§ Point of View- is it consistent?

Yes, I'm LOVING the first person!

§ Show vs. Tell- are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?

This has definitely tightened up.  The sex scene in particular is a lot of show/ feel rather than tell

§ Grammar and Spelling- are there too many grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors?

Not many at all, this has been tightened up too!

See individual chapter reviews for specifics

§ Style/ Tone- is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

Very easy to read, I think you've done a great job in the switch to first person in cutting out some of the awkward phrasing.  Word choice effective, tone definitely not preachy

§ Prose- is there any purple prose?

No

For specific sub-genres e.g. Historical and Regency Romance
§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?

N/a

For Romantic Suspense
§ Is there enough action?

Chapter 9 is nothing but!  It was great!

§ Does the story move quickly?

It's moving more quickly now that we've Cassie and John are comfortable with each other

§ Is the tension level high?

Oh yeah...

§ Are the protagonists strong?

Yes

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?

Yes

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.

Chapter 9 is just phenomenal.  Very sensual, very vivid

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.

I gave a few suggestions in the individual chapter reviews, but I really think you are doing a great job telling their story

§ How do you think the story could be improved?

up to this point, I don't think I have any suggestions for improving it, you are doing a good job setting the reader up for what happens later on

Chapters  7-9

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?
7 - Slow start.
8 - It's okay
9 - Great, great, great because of your good hook in 8.

§ Conflict- can you identify what it is?
conflict seems to be dissolving presently.

§ Plot- is it believable?
yes. very.

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?
yes. i think so.

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?
they feel real, not cardboard.

§ Dialogue- is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
dialogue is excellent, except in chapter 8 it runs away a bit

§ Point of View- is it consistent?
yes. it's great.

§ Show vs. Tell- are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
you're doing a little too much telling with dialogue tags. Instead try using an action that shows the tone what's spoken.

§ Grammar and Spelling- are there too many grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors?
minor

§ Style/ Tone- is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
great style.

§ Prose- is there any purple prose?
no

For specific sub-genres e.g. Historical and Regency Romance
§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
n/a

For Romantic Suspense
§ Is there enough action?
yes

§ Does the story move quickly?
it's at a good pace

§ Is the tension level high?
no. now I'm not sure what's at stake. I know they're still plodding along, but it seems like there's nothing they can't work out. George could be a thorn.

§ Are the protagonists strong?
yes

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?
n/a

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.
I liked the erotic scenes in chapter 9. Very well written. I also liked the relationship dynamics. The first person works pretty well. You do a good job of showing things like her arousal and such, but you could use more commentary with Cassie. Make her voice really electric and engaging. She has spunk, so flash more of that.

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
I think John's voice could still use a bit of work, in chapter 8 I think, that section about Carl.

§ How do you think the story could be improved?
I can't think of anything major, just watch those adverbs and offbeat dialogue tags like crowed.